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Guilt, whether needless or valid, is something many bereaved parents
wrestle with and are tormented by after the loss of their child. When
the child died from an illness, parents often wonder "if only I'd taken
him to the doctor earlier..." If it was a sudden death such as an
accident or suicide, the "if only's" are multiplied.
Studies in 1991 by Roy Baumeister, found the average person (not just
bereaved people) spends approximately two hours a day feeling guilty. 39
minutes of that time, people feel moderate to severe guilt. He feels
guilt is constructive as it keeps people from hurting or disappointing
others. But Rabbi Harlan Wechsler says, "The system that works for good
can also malfunction." If you are feeling guilty for things you can't
control, guilt can be self-destructive he says. Wechsler suggests
comparing your guilt to pain. "Pain tells you something is wrong. When
you feel it, you don't just sit there -- you do something about it."
Guilt can help you make amends, learn from your mistakes, accept your
limitations, deal with the present so old memories will recede, count
your blessings and forgive yourself, says an article in June 1997
Readers Digest. The article also says that unrelieved guilt can be very
stressful, weaken your immune system and make you more susceptible to
illness according to Georgia Witkin who directs The Stress Program at
Mt. Sinai Medical Center.
If you have wrestled with the Guilt Giant as a bereaved parent, you know
the myriad of "if only's" which have assaulted you. Most of them have
no actual valid basis, but sometimes there is genuine basis for guilt.
Even though the desire for accountability is good, we must accept our
own limitations. As much as we'd like, it's impossible for us to control
the events which impact our lives or those of our children all of the
time.
When we are truly responsible in some way for the death of our child,
it's not easy to resolve our guilt. At such a time, it's not so much an
issue of how to avoid the guilt, but how to live with it. Being able to
forgive ourselves is a real key. It's often easier to forgive someone
else than it is to forgive ourselves. Even when we've asked the Lord's
forgiveness, we may still carry tremendous guilt, feeling because we
were in some way responsible for our child's death, that it would be
disloyal or wrong to forgive ourself.
But let us consider just what good this guilt could possibly be doing.
Does it have any value other than making us miserable, and in so doing,
making life more difficult for those around us? Rarely does guilt help
us when carried for a long time. We need to be willing to forgive
ourselves, after we've asked God's forgiveness.
Even if we were in in some way responsible for our child's death, we
should ask ourselves some important questions to keep things in
perspective: Did we love our child? Did our overall relationship with
this child find it's foundation in that love? Will dwelling on this
guilt help our wounds to heal or bring back our child? Will guilt
accelerate the healing that we and others close to us need -- or might
it hinder or even stop our healing process?
One way to help guilt fade is to not dwell on painful memories. The
more we replay a bad memory in our mind, or talk about it, the harder it
is to let go of it and the painful emotions which accompany it. It's
not easy to let go of painful memories. Letting go of these memories
requires a frequent renewal of the decision to forgive ourself. When we
are finally able to let go of all the guilt, peace fills the space
previously occupied by these negative emotions.
Forgiving ourself is often far more difficult than forgiving some- one
else. We tend to be harder on ourselves and expect more from ourselves
than we expect from others. Someone has written "forgiveness is a
crisis of the will." Forgiveness begins with a conscious decision to
move beyond our pain-filled emotions and permit God to do His work of
forgiveness in our lives. We need to recognize just as we would seek to
forgive someone else, we need to think of ourself as another person.
We're not to have anything against a brother -- why would we continue to
punish the child of God whom we are, when if it were someone else, we'd
forgive them? By continuing to carry guilt, we fail to forgive
ourselves. This means we keep punishing ourselves for what happened. A
loving parent or loving friend doesn't continually keep punishing
someone for what happened in the past. If you've sought God's
forgiveness, then you need to forgive yourself. Or do you feel you are
greater than God that you can withhold forgiveness when He has already
granted it?
If we fail to forgive ourself and continue to punish ourself by
continually replaying what happened and blaming ourself for what
occurred, we're in actuality saying Christ's death on the cross wasn't
sufficient to cover this sin we've committed, that we are bigger than
Christ so have to pay a further penalty for what happened. In Psalm
103, beginning with verse 10, it says, "He hath not dealt with us after
our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the
heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that
fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed
our transgressions from us. ...He knoweth our frame; He remembereth
that we are dust... The mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to
everlasting upon them that fear Him, and His righteousness unto
children's children."
Parents sometimes irrationally feel they are responsible for their
child's death due to some sin of their past. Let's realistically take
just one example: if that were true, why do so many children grow up in
unloving, abusive homes? If a parent's sin were the cause of their
child's death, no child would grow up in an abusive home for they'd have
all died.
Because we humans are naturally sinful, Christ died for our sins. He
paid the penalty for sin. Children don't have to die because of sin
parents committed in the past.
Guilt causes us to repeatedly dissect the past with regret. This keeps
us from taking positive action in our daily life because we're so
overwhelmed by the negative regrets.
You may find writing out your guilt will help you feel much better. For
one reason, when you write about your guilt, you will be pinpointing or
defining it and seeing it on paper may help you realize it's
insignificance and put it in proper perspective for you. If you feel
too vulnerable writing your guilt on paper, remember you can always tear
the paper into tiny pieces and flush them down the toilet or burn the
paper.
Evaluate your guilt: Is it based on human expectations or God's?
Guilt can also be projected onto others in the form of blame. Some
individuals who are less than understanding will inflict blame upon you,
or try to make you feel badly if you've resolved your guilt. Do your
best to avoid listening to those who inflict blame that you don't need
to bear.
Suicide brings much needless guilt to the family. We must realize that
it was the deceased individual who made that choice -- no one else made
him or her do it. Even if you could be super-human and with that person
24 hours a day, never sleeping, always watching, if you were to divert
your attention every so briefly, if they had the intention of doing so,
they would complete suicide. It is impossible to be ever-present with
someone else, helping them to make the right decision always.
Most guilt is needless. We need to accept the fact we are only human.
We simply are not able to be in control of all circumstances all of the
time.
When our attention is turned backwards dwelling on past sins and
regrets, we're unable to see clearly what lies ahead or concentrate on
where we are or where we're headed. That is one reason why unresolved
guilt is such a hindrance to our healing. Bereaved people who work
through their guilt are amazed at how much less traumatic their pain now
is, and how much lighter their load of grief now is. Resolving guilt
clears our vision, enabling us to see light at the end of the long dark
tunnel of grief.
Unresolved guilt is very destructive. How much greater tragedy your
child's loss would be if your guilt is not resolved. Unresolved guilt
makes life even hard than it would otherwise be and hinders your healing
process, possibly for years.
One final thought is that we have to trust God for not only the good,
but also the bad in our lives. Only God knows all the purposes behind
each of these events. We have to trust Him to have known these events
and if we were guilty of any harm, to claim His forgiveness, then
forgive ourselves.
The best book I'm aware of which covers the subject of guilt from a
bereaved parent's perspective is When Good-bye is Forever: Learning to
Live Again After the Loss of a Child by John Bramblett, published by
Ballantine Books, a paperback available through most book stores, and
also available for a one month loan from Bereaved Parents Share's
lending library. Carol Ruth Blackman
[Reprinted from Sept./Oct. 1992 Bereaved Parents Share, revised 10/97] |
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