Holidays can be especially difficult after losing a child. Here are
some suggestions from other bereaved people which may be helpful:
* First of all, recognize the fact that as a grieving person you have
definite limitations and are unable to function as you normally would.
It's important that you re-evaluate priorities and decide which
activities you really feel up to participating in.
* Keep things as simple as possible!
Ask yourself:
* Just what can I handle comfortably?
* Is this activity something I really enjoy doing? Do other family
members find this activity needful?
* Have I considered or involved my spouse's/children's wishes in my
plans?
* Am I being realistic? Limit activities to the ones which are the most
meaningful and enjoyable for your family.
* Can this job be done by someone else or can someone help me do it?
* Would Christmas be Christmas without this activity (baking cookies,
decorating, attending certain events, sending cards)?
* How many stockings do we hang? Do we put one up for baby or none at
all? Some grief counselors suggest writing thoughts or feelings about
your Loved One and putting them in their stocking. This may help
younger children have opportunity to express their feelings.
* Try to correlate your tasks with your energy level.
* You may find making changes makes things less painful, like eating
dinner at a different time or location, opening gifts at a different
time, letting others do the activities you normally have done but feel
unequal to this year, or maybe even going away for the holidays.
* Plan to be with understanding relatives or friends if at all possible.
* Realize you will have to educate others as to your need for hearing
your child's name mentioned. They think they are doing you a favor
avoiding it.
* Doing something for others may bring special comfort. Choosing a name
from a Christmas tree for underprivileged people and providing a gift to
make their holiday special, giving a donation in memory of your Loved
One, or adopting a needy family for the holidays may be very healing for
you.
* Do worst jobs first.
*Allow for private time for yourself and others during the holidays.
Knowing that you've planned an hour of quiet for this afternoon or some
other set time may alleviate some of the stress that may amplify your
loss when frustrations arise. Remember tears relieve stress. A few
tears shed in private may prevent painful unexpected public tears during
moments of frustration.
SHOPPING
* Daily lists made out the night before or in the morning may prove very
helpful. Lack of concentration is part of grief; lists help us remember
things.
* Shopping will be easier if you make a list ahead of time. When one of
your Better Days comes, you can get more accomplished by following your
list -- this reduces confusion, frustration, and time loss.
* Try to shop on less busy days, as early in the day as possible. Maybe
ask a friend or someone helpful to go with you as decisions can be
difficult when grief is fresh.
* Allow time (an extra hour a day) for the unexpected! Traffic will be
heavier, checkout lines slower and longer, tape and paper supplies run
out, or someone drops by, the phone rings or you run out of stamps and
misplace your keys when you least appreciate such inconveniences.
* Shopping early by catalogue is another solution.
CHRISTMAS CARDS
*Just ignore the cards you'll get wishing you "the merriest Christmas
ever." Various kinds of people send these:
1) People who wish with all their hearts they could take away your pain
and indeed give you the happiest Christmas if they had the power to do
so.
2) Thoughtless people who don't realize holidays amplify your loss, or
maybe the sender bought the same card for everyone and that's its
message.
or 3) Sadistic souls send these too -- simply ignore these cards and
don't allow them their twisted pleasure of making a hard time more
difficult for you.
* If signing the cards without your precious child's name is too hard to
do, maybe have the names printed in the cards or have another family
member help sign them.
* If a little letter seems appropriate, make photocopies of one so you
aren't exhausted writing in all the cards.
* For those who may not yet know of your loss, including a funeral card
or copy of the obituary from the newspaper would be a way of telling
them without causing you exhaustion from writing it all out for each
one.
REMAINING CHILDREN
Children view celebration of special days as evidence that their
happiness is still important to their parents, that they are loved, and
with hope that their family stability will return. Birthdays and
holidays are significant occasions for children which bring heightened
expectations that their family will demonstrate their love for them.
Grieving children need to know they are valued and special.
Holiday Suggestions
Many feel they are not as valued as the one who died since their
sibling's absence has caused the parents so much sadness and pain.
Because grief can cause parents to be emotionally out of focus towards
remaining children, sometimes the only feeling conveyed is pain, so the
remaining child(ren) may feel abandoned or rejected. Be sure to spend
time with them assuring them through words and actions of your love.
Rather than buy extravagant gifts for children, give them extra time and
attention as nothing purchased can replace the loss in their lives.
You might want to create a special card for your living child, listing
why they are so special and reassuring them of your love, maybe include
some special reminiscing. Explain that your grief doesn't lessen your
love for them.
Be careful you don't hold an idolized image of your deceased child as
your other children will feel overwhelmed, knowing they can't measure
up.
Don't dampen your remaining children's ability to enjoy themselves by
spending the day reminding everyone of the deceased child. Let your
living children have their place in the sun. This is not betrayal
towards your deceased child.
For your family's sake take care of yourself: eat properly, exercise,
nurture your marriage and work through your grief.
General Help Pertaining to the Holidays
* Accept your feelings. Think about why you are feeling the way you
are: "I feel sad because --." "I feel lonely today because --." These
sad times are to be expected. Accepting them and taking a few moments
to ponder feelings may alleviate some awkward moments in public when
frustrations complicate your sadness.
* Holiday gatherings may be more than you feel up to as you had been
counting on sharing your precious baby at these events. If you don't
feel you can endure such gatherings, let someone who seems understanding
know ahead of time that you will not be attending or that you may not be
able to stay very long because of the pain associated with the
gathering. This may eliminate awkward (possibly tearful) explanations
later to those who are not understanding.
* Avoid eating too many sweets during the holiday as many people find
sweets tend to make them more easily depressed.
May you find your own peaceful solutions to fit your own individual
needs for coping with special days which are painful after losing Loved
Ones.
Carol Ruth Blackman
[Reprinted from Nov. 1991 Bereaved Parents Share II; revised 11/95]
Reprints may be obtained from: BPS PO Box 460 Colton, OR 97017-0460
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