How Long Should I Wait Before Conceiving Again?
By Carol Ruth Blackman from Bereaved parents Share II

Q: "All of the literature I have read dealing with subsequent pregnancies suggests waiting one
year before getting pregnant again. The various reasons have been the need to heal to a certain
point, the need to be in a good place not a bad place for the new baby, etc.
"Although I understand those reasons, two questions keep ringing over and over in my head: If
God is sovereign (and He is), isn't He capable of getting us through the rough spots that may
come with being pregnant before one year?
"And if this is true, can't we then trust Him to do just that?"
A: There is no ABSOLUTE right or wrong time. Every family is unique. Many moms conceive
within the first 3 months after their child's death. I've walked through many of their pregnancies
with them and know they are much more challenging emotionally than if they had waited until the
anniversary of loss had passed, giving them more time to heal before conception, but God alone
knows.
I personally know the intense longing, the aching for another child. I disliked being told I should
wait "3 months," "at least 6 months," or "at least a year" due to my C-section. None who told me I
needed to wait had ever experienced the loss of a precious baby -- how dare them feel they were
so expert on such an important issue in my life when I was 37 1/2 when Samuel was stillborn and
from early childhood I had looked forward to a two-story house full of children. My biological
clock was ticking away! Gray hairs were becoming more prolific! And they acted like waiting a
year was no big deal! It was!!!

Each month I was so excited, hoping I had conceived, but as the days passed, my excitement
mingled with apprehension and even fear as we never knew a cause for Samuel's stillbirth. So
my dashed hopes were balanced with relief some months. As Samuel's birthday approached I
didn't know what to expect as I didn't know any other bereaved moms and the ones I'd reached
out to hadn't responded back. I did know in my heart that it was too special a day to spend at
work, so I requested it off.

In my case I was surprised at how hard Samuel's special days* hit me (*these included the
anniversary of the 2 days of labor before his birthday). I had truly thought I had healed. I was
shocked at the intensity of my pain
and emotions. Despite the gallons of tears I had shed the previous year over not having
conceived yet, I was very thankful I was not pregnant as the day was much harder than I had
expected. Others have very opposite experiences. They are so filled with dread facing the day
that the day isn't nearly as bad as they had feared, but since I had thought I had healed, it was
shocking to me to discover I was far from healed.

During that first year especially, knowing the fears that assaulted me when I hoped I was
pregnant, I knew it was important to gather encouraging reading materials for the day when I and
others would need them. That began my collection of encouraging writings and Scriptures for
subsequent pregnancies.
So from my own experience and that of hundreds of others I share this:
It is good if one can wait until the first anniversary of loss has passed before conceiving again.
That gives the family time to work through some of their grief and achieve some healing before
another child enters their life. It's not only good emotionally but grief is hard on one physically,
also if the baby died at or soon after birth, the body needs a rest from the previous pregnancy
(some doctors feel at least 2 years rest between pregnancies is best for the body). Friends and
relatives need time to heal or their silence may be deafening during your subsequent pregnancy.
However, if one's biological clock is quickly ticking away, you may not feel you can afford to wait
that long.

Countless thousands have conceived during the first 3 months after loss, and have survived the
subsequent pregnancy, with a healthy precious child to show for it.
It is a great challenge to be grieving the loss of baby at the same time you're trying to bond with
a baby yet unborn. Your innocence has been shattered! Bereaved families know that babies who
are loved and longed for don't always arrive perfectly healthy. Reading Bereaved Parents Share
II can be hard as you don't want to learn of more bad things that can happen than you already
know. But you also feel a kindredness with these families, knowing they are working through
grief like you. (Subsequent pregnancy and baby news is titled in the Mailbox and Remembrance
sections so you can choose what you feel most comfortable reading.)

Many who conceive too soon have multiple complications to their grieving process. First, they
feel they need to put their grief on hold to concentrate on the new baby. When they later feel
freer to work through their grief, there is no one understanding of their situation. After all, "You
have a new baby, why are you crying about the one you lost?! You should be thankful you have
a healthy child!" People just don't understand how you can be missing the baby who died when
you have a new child to nurture and cherish.
Others share how they never could bond with the new child until it had passed the age the
previous one died as it was too painful to risk losing another much loved child, so their defense
is to guard their heart by not allowing themselves to love the new baby freely. Parents are then
wracked with guilt, especially if something bad does happen to the new baby.
Siblings naturally have fears. More so in the case of the baby dying from illness or unknown
cause than by an accident, but still the concerns are there as their innocence has been shattered
also. So besides your own fears and apprehensions, you have to deal with those of your children
and try to keep your fears from making them concerned.
The fear of losing another loved one is very great during the first months after losing a child.
These fears are amplified during pregnancy so fears of something being wrong with the baby are
multiplied, more than if you had experienced many months of working through your grief. For this
reason I felt to treasure each day I spent with the new baby, knowing that if I had ignored it or not
read to, sung to, and prayed for it daily that I'd have missed a treasured time together and I
wanted to know I had made each day count so that I'd have no regrets if it's life were short.
Some find that pregnancy during the first year gives them something joyful to focus on rather
than the death being their primary focus at the moment.
Your question is very good (and you answered it well): "If God is sovereign (and He is) isn't He
capable of getting us through the rough spots that may come with being pregnant before one
year? And if this is true can't we then trust Him to do just that?" God is very capable of taking you
through a pregnancy soon after loss, as well as years down the road. When one is pregnant
again we have to TRUST God for the outcome more than we did previously, no matter where we
are in our healing cycle. Like you and your husband have concluded, you CAN trust Him and as
you have shared, He never allows anything to happen that isn't first filtered through His loving
hands.
God will be with you. He will be your sustenance in a measure you probably never before have
had to survive through. You're working through your grief over losing your precious baby and
excited about the new life that is coming forth into your family.
When a baby arrives before the anniversary of loss, many feel guilt over having not spent this
first year grieving their baby's loss when his/her birthday/anniversary comes. But guilt is guilt --
nothing more. Your child is at peace, very content in Heaven and wouldn't be upset with you for
not torturing yourself all year long about his/her absence -- (s)he's healthy, happy, and thrilled
with her liberty in Heaven. When you're at a vulnerable stage for post-partum depression due to
the hormonal changes after birth, you'll be grieving your baby's absence for his/her
birthday/anniversary of loss. That may make you more depressed than otherwise. But knowing
that ahead of time may help you realize why you are feeling as blue as you are when you had
expected to be ecstatic at baby's safe and healthy arrival. People will feel you shouldn't
acknowledge your previous child's special date since you have a new baby. Others might feel
that if you don't acknowledge it you were a careless mom and didn't care about him/her. It's
impossible to please everyone. So do what you feel is right, according to how your feelings are
at the time. If you feel to celebrate your other child's birthday/anniversary with a cake or
however, do so! These dates probably will be easier occurring right after baby's arrival, than if
they occurred just before delivery. However, many will not understand the emotions you will feel
those days, because they will feel that since your deceased child was just a baby and you have a
"replacement" baby (from their perspective) that you should move on and forget him/her.

There does seem to be a basic timetable I've noticed, working through grief. It seems that most
families feel considerably healed by 5 years. The first 2 years are the hardest. Some may have
shorter routes for one reason or another, but I also have noticed in a few cases that the people
with shorter routes may have more intense grief for a season and once that has passed it goes
more quickly for them. In some cases they think it is a sin to grieve so "stuff" their grief. Grief is
not a sin; it's because we love someone we miss them. Some seem to be quite healed within 2
years. Maybe the Lord has a special ministry for them through this, maybe they have some other
stresses coming in their lives and the Lord knows it is needful for them to have worked through
their grief by then. Only God knows all the manifold reasons for all these things. I'm so glad we
can leave our questions with Him, knowing He knows the end from the beginning and our little
minds are just too finite to comprehend it all.

I don't know a bereaved mom who hasn't mentally gone through the "what if's" during her
subsequent pregnancy. Your innocence has been shattered. You now know that no matter how
much love exists for a baby, it may take a short-cut to heaven. All we can do is give our fears to
the Lord over and over. He knows them, He is very aware of the walls that hem us in (Isaiah
49:16). Thankfully we're engraved on His palms. Even if a mother could forget her sucking child,
so much greater is His love for you than that of such a mother. "Can a woman forget her sucking
child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet
will I not forget thee. Behold I have graven thee upon the palms of My hands; thy walls are
continually before Me." Isaiah 49:15,16

May God's strength undergird you during your subsequent pregnancies no matter how many
months of healing you've had. Carol Ruth Blackman
[Reprinted from August 1996 BPS II]

Home    Cristin's Corner   Memorials    Poetry    Marriage Support

Online Support Groups         Subsequent Pregnancy

Links         Awards       Webrings        Articles      Email Us