Losing a child affects parents in many ways. Survival skills are needed to keep your marriage
strong after losing your baby. We'll look first at the differences between husbands and wives,
then discuss some of the dangers to be aware of and include suggestions for successfully
surviving the natural differences between a husband's and wife's grief and the dangers which
arise after loss. In marriage, two become one by turning to each other. In grief, two often turn
away from each other becoming isolated and lonely. The deep pain of grief seems to wrap its
victim in a cocoon as you focus on your agony. Bereavement makes us very self-centered at the
exact time our spouse needs us for support. Pregnancy loss and infant loss sadly are not
recognized as major losses to those who were not intimately associated with the child or
pregnancy so you'll find yourself looking to each other for help in coping more than if it were a
loss more readily recognized by society. Your loss may represent a different meaning for each of
you. Men and women both may be plagued with feelings of failure -- men especially because
they're protectors. Women because they're nurturers. Marriage can be strengthened deeply by
shared sorrow, but it requires Work to bring about the strengthening. First we need to recognize
some differences between men and women: Men and women tend to often fall into general
differences simply due to our hormonal makeup. Of course there are always exceptions to every
rule and you may find in your marriage the roles seem reversed on some of these, but since we
generally marry someone with a personality quite different from our own, we find during grief
the differences often make it hard for us to understand why our spouse grieves so differently than
we do. Men usually talk for practical reasons whereas women tend to talk for recreation. Men
talk about something, come to a solution, then go on. Women just want to talk about what has
happened. Finding a solution is not always as important as just knowing someone is listening
(preferably her husband). Men tend to approach situations with their heads -- thinking on facts
and taking responsibility, and may feel a need to DO something after a loss; whereas women
approach situations with their hearts and are more concerned with relationships, feelings, other
people and rather than feel a need to be doing something, a woman likes to ponder the situation.
Men often think more about the overall picture while women are concerned with the event's
details. Men usually are more caught up in work outside the home but women are intricately
intertwined with their homes and families to the extent that they perceive them as part of their
personality or worth. This probably is one reason grief generally lasts longer for women. Men
need to know they've succeeded which is vital for their self esteem. Women also have a real
need for success but their need for security, especially after loss, often outweighs other needs. A
bereaved mom needs to be reminded she was a good mother and dd all she could have done for
the child's sake. To satisfy her deep need for security she looks to her husband and family. She
measures her security by her perception of her value to others. Men tend to be more reserved in
expressing emotions, whereas women are more encapsulated by their emotions, feeling a real
need to express what they're feeling by talking. Friction arises when a wife feels her husband is
insensitive or uncaring about their loss because he doesn't cry, talk about the child or seems to
re-adjust to work soon after loss. Husbands are often frustrated by their wife's emotional
outpouring, inability to handle social situations, depression, and lack of desire to resume
normalcy of life. Remember too, some people are unable to cry in front of others, even their own
spouse. To survive requires you become as a third person to each other. Listen to your spouse --
accept their form of grief as you accept their normal personality differs from yours. When you
interject your grief timetable on our partner you are creating a prisoner which will hinder you
from sharing your grief with each other. Survival of your marriage requires a calculated strategy
to fight the dangers.
Danger #1: My way is the ONLY way to grieve! Because one parent finds something very
comforting and healing, it's tempting to think the other one needs this too. What is comforting to
one, may be sheer torment to their spouse. Recognize that everyone grieves differently. It's often
difficult for bereaved parents not to express verbally how they wish their spouse would change.
Acceptance of your spouse's different mode of grief can be a tough assignment.
Danger #2: Change
Death always brings change, even when it's early in a child's life. Priorities and commitments
involved with the child come to a screeching halt. Suddenly your stability is gone.
Even the most simple of life's daily chores become memory-filled challenges. Change pulls our
life-preserver from our grasp in the turbulent waters of grief. When a spouse criticizes their
partner's grief or lack of grief, the ability to stay afloat is lost. Your home needs to be a safe
harbor in the turbulent waters of grief. There's a real need to plan ways to support each other
during this time.
Danger #3: Placing Blame
Feuding begins with placing blame, resentment or venting hostility on your spouse. Seek to be a
support and harbor for your spouse rather than becoming a storm they need to seek shelter from.
Never use silence as a tool for communication with your spouse after loss -- your partner can
only interpret it as a negative response. Express your feelings, for your spouse has no extra
energy to guess at what you might be feeling. Seek to phrase your statements to your spouse so
they reflect what you feel rather than placing blame. Learn to say "I'm having trouble keeping
from being upset when you..." instead of blurting "You make me angry when you...."
Danger #4: Not meeting your spouse's need for love
Everyone needs love but men and women interpret love differently. Generally speaking men feel
loved when they know they are respected and their sexual needs are met. Women feel loved
through tenderness and understanding. Tragedy causes a woman to need extra outward
expressions of understanding and tenderness from her husband along with feeling his "protective
care." Touching, holding, cuddling are important even though she may have little desire for sex.
Fear of repeating the same excruciating pain of loss often makes a woman want to refrain from
sex while in grief. Many women feel sex is wrong when their precious child has just died,
whereas sex reassures men that they are loved, needed, and that their wife really cares about
them. Men usually relate first sexually, then verbally. Sexual intimacy nurtures the husband's
emotional needs. Both parents are very insecure, fragile and vulnerable after loss. Meeting your
partner's need for love will bind you more closely together. Knowing someone loves your is a
needed security blanket at such a time. It is a MUST that you reach out to each other to keep
your marriage from falling shipwreck in the turbulence of loss. What needless added tragedy
occurs when a marriage is shattered by loss.
Danger #5: Surviving
Alone Beware you don't use isolation from your spouse as a tool of survival. Caution needs to be
exerted when work, hobbies, social circles or other commitments keep you from spending very
much time with your spouse. Be aware too, that spending binges may occur as a sort of diversion
from the pain. Excess spending only adds to your pain for it usually creates friction with your
spouse and puts a squeeze on your finances, thus creating further stress. Marriages which survive
the death of a child take WORK. Your marriage has to be your "Number 1" priority.
Suggestions for helping your marriage survive:
*Determine your marriage will come out stronger.
*Accept the fact that you and your spouse will sorrow differently.
*Don't place bigger-than-life-sized expectations on your spouse.
*Seek to rebuild your relationship with God's help. Remember: forgiveness is the key to healing.
Some general guidelines include
1) Pray -- God will give you guidance how best to proceed.
2) Seek to identify the most painful problems to work on first.
a) What is the most difficult part of the grief experience for yourself? for your spouse?
b)What part of your grief is hard for your partner to endure?
c)What does your spouse do that you find painful?
3) Think of all the possible responses to these problems. Seek to rob the problems of their
"crippling power" over you. Write down solutions. Ask God to give you understanding and
insight -- He will.
4) After implementing your plan to deal with the most crucial differences, occasionally
re-evaluate things -- are we helping the situation or making it worse? Should we do it
differently? No matter how estranged you and your spouse may be feeling, try to think of
something your spouse especially enjoys and do it. Maybe it's a special food or form of
recreation. Maybe it's something as greatly appreciated as simply giving them a few minutes to
unwind upon arriving home before they start chores or you begin talking non-stop. Recording
efforts made daily may help you remember to put forth effort for helping your spouse and enable
you to see progress is being made, but never use the record as evidence for planning battle if
progress is slower at restoring your relationship than you'd hoped. Above all, pray for your
spouse daily. Pray they'll have a good day, safe travel, that something encouraging will help that
day, and so forth. Don't forget to think about the high points in your marriage before loss.
Marriage requires commitment. Relationships based on feeling don't have stability. Commitment
is the glue that cements your marriage. If you need outside help with your marriage and your
pastor doesn't seem to understand how loss affects your marriage, seek help from a support
group for bereaved parents or Christian family counselors who are acquainted with the effects of
child loss on a marriage. Try another source if you're not getting the help you need; your
marriage is worth it.
Carol Ruth Blackman
[Revised from November 1991 Bereaved Parents Share...II](Reprinted with Authors permission)
in written form from:
Bereaved Parents Share
PO Box 460
Colton, OR 97017-0460
I love you, now & forever
Jen
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