When we found out we were going to have another baby, we were all overjoyed. Cassidy had been asking for a sibling for quite a while & she was so excited to become a big sister. Since Cassidy had been born with a herniated diapragm, my midwife was cautious and I had many ultrasounds, testing etc. I had even seen a perinatologist 3 times. Once I was told something was wrong but upon being referred to another Doctor, he told us to quote "Go home & quit worrying, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy." The rest of my pregnancy was fairly uneventful, the usual heartburn and other common discomforts of pregnancy. I went to the Doctor on Friday for my regular visit & he informed me that if I did not go into labor over the weekend, he would see me Monday morning for induction. Nothing happened that weekend. My mother arrived Sunday night to accompany us to the hospital in the morning. I had a pretty normal labor & delivery. I was induced at 8 am and delivered Cristin at 2:57 pm. She was beautiful & weighed 6 lbs 11 oz & was 19 inches long. After laying her on my stomach & Bill cutting the cord, they took her over to the isolette to do the normal things. I soon realized it was not normal. They told us she was having trouble breathing but she just probably aspirated on some fluid. They said once they cleared her lungs out she would be fine. They rushed her off to the nursery & we waited & waited for them to bring her back. Every time a Doctor or Nurse came in-the news grew worse & worse. Finally they told us they would have to transfer her to the nearby University Hospital where they were better equipt for these situations. They told us they would bring her in the room so I could see her before she was transported. Then they came in to say that she was too serious & they would have to leave as soon as she was stabilized. I was in tears. The kind, wonderful nurses insisted that I be able to see her-even though it meant getting me into a wheelchair & rolling me out to the hall.(which took some doing with me still hooked to tubes & not being able to feel my legs from the epidural) They got me out to the hall where I got to glimpse her for a moment before they took her. She looked so small & pale. It was torture seeing her hooked to all of those tubes and not being able to hold your own child. My husband left to go to the hospital so he could be there with her; my mother, Bill's grandparents & Cassidy stayed behind with me. My mother took Cassidy home around 8 since she cannot drive at night & Cass had fallen asleep. My OB came in & told me they would transfer me to the hospital where they took Cristin. It was then that I realized how truly bad it was. But I still was not prepared for what we heard later that night. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance & they took me to a room. I waited some time before they finally got me & took me to the NICU. We got to go back & see her. She was in such bad shape. I couldn't do anything but cry, stroke her body & tell her how much I loved her. The Doctor on call led us into the "quiet room" with the social worker & preceded to give us the news that Cristin had a lung defect called hypoplastic lungs, which meant her lungs had not grown to proper size & never would. He also told us her heart was backwards, but if it were not for the lung defect, they could have fixed that. He went on to tell us that her condition was "not compatable with life". They took us back to her again & the Doctor told us her oxygen level was dropping quite a bit & we needed to make a decision about life support. I was hysterical & Bill said "Do you want me to make that decision?" I just silently nodded my head. In the meantime, they had called my mother & told her & Cassidy to get to the hospital & bring some clothes for Cristin. My in-laws had arrived by then & they went to pick them up. After everyone had gotten back to the hospital, they told us they would take her off life support & that she would probably be able to breathe a short time on her own & we could spend that time with her. She passed away as soon as they took her off the vent. When they brought her out to us, she was already gone. I had never felt such pain before. The next morning, Bill & I were sitting in my hospital room waiting for discharge papers, I had my eyes closed & we were holding hands. As I sat there, I felt like someone had put their hand under ours, a definite presence. I just remember thinking, "This can't be Cristin's hand, it is too large." I told Bill on the way home from the hospital about it. I shared it with no one else. I thought then they would really think I had lost my mind. It was only many weeks later I came to just KNOW in my heart that it was God's presence letting us know we were not alone. It was then I started feeling more at peace about Cristin, the pain was beginning to lessen and I felt I was making progress. Not to say that I did not cry or miss her everyday but the anger I felt towards God began to be replaced with a deep sense of direction of what he wanted me to do with what I had been dealt. About two months after Cristin passed away, I was standing in my bedroom, folding clothes, not doing anything out of the ordinary, when I just stopped in my tracks. I had the strangest feeling come over me, such a calm, like all the heavy burdens I had been carrying where just lifted off my shoulders. I felt so much lighter. I knew that God was leading me to minister to other mothers & other hurting families. My prayer for other families is to get a little better with each passing day & that someday they, too, can see the sun through the clouds & marvel at the rainbow after the rain.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths"
Proverbs 3: 5-6
Online Support Groups Subsequent Pregnancy
Links Awards Webrings Articles Email Us