Each child's level of understanding or misunderstanding about death
depends upon their age. Basically children 2 years and under have the
concept of "here" and "not here." 3-5 year olds see death as
temporary. Preschoolers tend to fear abandonment by or harm to their
mother which may be evidenced when they see she is hurting. This age
group also believe they are able to cause death to happen. Because they
may have been jealous of the baby, they may feel responsible for its
death so it's important to tell them they did nothing to hurt the baby,
that thoughts and words do not make babies die. 6-10 year olds
understand the reality of death and are curious about the biological
aspects of death and the details of burial. This age group may still
feel responsible for the death due to some things they thought or said.
Generally from about age 11, youth accept death in a similar manner as
adults, although teenagers tend to stuff their grief and do not usually
work thought their grief as well as younger children or adults do. Even
the youngest of children pick up the feeling of strain and sense
something is being withheld when you may be tempted to withhold the news
of your miscarriage from them.
It's important to explain death truthfully to children on their level.
All questions should be answered simply, directly and honestly. It not
only helps children and parents accept the reality, but it also builds
trust between parent and child. Even very young children can understand
"Her little body can't work any more." "Sometimes a baby dies before it
is born. We don't know exactly what caused the baby's death, but it
isn't anything anybody did or didn't do." When children have their
questions answered, they will be less fearful of death.
Euphemisms are easily misunderstood by children. "We lost our baby" can
lead a child to fear other special people have died when they realize
they have lost them in a crowd. Young children interpret literally what
they hear. When the cause of death is attributed to God, such as "God
wanted another angel," a child may become fearful and angry towards God,
and fear they, too, may be wanted in heaven. Using the word "sleeping"
for death may lead to sleep disturbances or behavioral problems.
Explain the baby died because his body could not work any more. Some children are
more curious than others. Children's grief can be very shortlived, causing them to cry
one minute and play the next.
It's important for children to talk about how they feel soon after the
loss. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to, but their
feelings may surface in dreams or play later and that may be a good
opportunity to talk and those who refused to talk before, may be ready
then for discussing it.
It is important that both younger and older children express their
feelings, questions and fears.
Many adults question if children should be permitted to see a dead
relative or attend the funeral. We all want to shield children from the
pain of death and sorrow. Yet it generally is best if the child does
see the one who has died (however if they refuse to, they should not be
forced), for it helps resolve the fact that they are not simply missing
or away, but that they have died. I personally know of one woman who
was not permitted to see her baby brother over 30 years ago and it has
been hard on her to this day. Children have very vivid imaginations and
tend to fear the dead Loved One looked far worse than they did.
Funerals provide children as well as adults a way to say goodbye and
show their love and grief for their brother or sister. Many children
find it comforting to give a small gift such as a drawing, flower or
small toy to be buried with the baby. Funerals can be explained to
children as opportunity for friends and family to come together and
express grief for the Loved One that died. This will help the child
understand what is happening and alleviate fears or the feeling of
isolation from the rest of the family.
Children may react to their loss and their parents' grief by regressing
in their accomplishments such as toilet training. They may develop
problems at school or become loud and aggressive. They may feel
threatened by their parents' grief, fearing they not only lost the baby,
but maybe their parents as well. So be generous with your affection.
Include your children in your mourning. Cry together. Appreciate your
children's feelings. Lavish them with your affection. Let them see and
hold the baby if that is possible. Let it be a learning experience.
Remember: death is part of life. Carol Ruth Blackman
[Reprinted from Bereaved Parents Share II, May 1992]
Bereaved Parents Share II, August 1998
To request this article in print please write:
Bereaved Parents Share II
PO Box 460
Colton, OR 97017-0460
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