"The Truth Is....."
By C. Elizabeth Carney
The following article answers many commonly asked questions and debunks
some common myths about grieving after pregnancy loss.
It is reprinted with permission from Mark Perloe at the Atlanta
Reproductive Health Centre WWW, and is written by C Elizabeth Carney,
Great River, New York. ()
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"THE TRUTH IS..."
The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or
weeks, or even months.
The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and
the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is
attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of
grief and mourning.
The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.
The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may
provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would
have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be
both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon
your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is
a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving
is very difficult.
The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.
The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must
eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if your doctor feels
that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it
intelligently and according to his/her instructions.
The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.
The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down,
hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better
prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or
later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst
things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of
how strong you are.
The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental
instability.
The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the
appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try
not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is
variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with
yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will
be over when all the work is done.
The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.
The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your
life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to.
Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow
yourself the time to laugh.Viewing laughter as part of the healing
process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more
bearable.
The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.
The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to
return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life
are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may
seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often
falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of
saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more
helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They
don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing
fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your
needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.
The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.
The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have
happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people
after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It
isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand
that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially
when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there
are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being
punished will only get in the way of your healing.
The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions
during this time.
The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing
jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be
difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and
naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking
care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can
make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the
pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree
that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the
loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to
protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events
over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that
we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin.
Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it
will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing
comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your
baby.
The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or
other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.
The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around
mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You
may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or
refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that
the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to
understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could
wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you
must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most
loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the
situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the
same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will
eventually go away.
The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.
The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one
another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening,
get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who
can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better.
It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is
unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time
teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might
even save your marriage.
The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby
and forget all about this awful time.
The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the
understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a
parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a
child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can
really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and
learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through
this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we
begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious
baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he
or she will live forever.
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