The Value of Life
Dealing with Thoughtless Comments from Others

I have often felt in the months since we lost our dear Cristin, that unenlightened
people seem to put a certain value on human life according to the age that person is at the
time of their death.  It is unfortunate, but many people are going to feel since you did not
“know” you baby in their definition of “knowing”, then your loss is not as great or you
should not grieve as long as, say, a parent who lost a ten year old or a family who lost a
member who was in their twenties or thirties.  It seems there is an unspoken value system
for human life.  The value & your “allotted” time of grieving increases as that person
increases in age and seems to level out until about the age of 60 or so.  Then it seems the
value decreases as that person reaches retirement and steadily declines as they get older.
I recently lost my dear Grandfather, he was 86.  I had so many  say to me “Well, he isn’t
suffering anymore” or “He is in a better place”.  My family & I knew that, but just
because Grandpa was elderly & sickly did not mean that we did not MISS him!  It was
hard going to my mother’s house on our last visit & not seeing Grandpa, it was a very
empty feeling.  We will miss hearing his funny stories of the old days & I know my
husband & dad will miss watching Grandpa’s favorite sport, boxing, with him.  Cassidy
will miss going downstairs & having lunch with her “Papa down the stairs” and watching
cartoons & coloring with him.  My dear sister-in-law lost her grandmother, nicknamed
Big(Though she was a petite little lady!),  several years ago.  When I was talking about
how hard the holidays would be this year, Tammi told me how much she missed Big
especially around the holidays.  She said she would often think of her as she was hanging
an ornament Big had bought her.  Yes, Big was 94, but it does not mean that Tammi &
her family still do not mourn her & miss her everyday.  What those unenlightened souls
must remember is that it is just as painful & your grief is as strong no matter what the age
of your loved one.  There is NO specific value placed on a person according to their age
or accomplishments-everyone has value!  Each family member is a special treasure
whether they are 9 days old or 99 years old!

In losing your child, people will ignorantly make comments like “At least you
didn’t get to know him/her”, “It is good this happened now & not when the child was
older” , “At least he/she did not suffer” or “It was God’s will”.  What they do not
understand is you KNEW your child, you had hopes & dreams of the future for your
child, you felt his/her kicks, hiccups & may have seen your baby through ultrasounds &
listened to their heartbeat at your regular ob visits.  We loved Cristin before we even
knew she was going to be with us.  We planned our pregnancy & anticipated how
wonderful it would be to make our family grow.  We planned & were so excited about
her arrival.  I am sure your family felt the same way.  You loved your child from the
moment you found  they were going to be a part of your family.  For moms, this is
especially true, you bond with your child immediately.  Mothers share their bodies with
these little angels for 9 months.   Dads, though the bond is formed differently, love their
children & have hopes & dreams for them also.  What others must understand is where the
family & friends of an older child or adult mourn for what they have lost, we mourn for
what we feel COULD have been.  We don’t have all those happy moments that we can
look back on & say “Do you remember when he/she did this” or “Remember when.....”
That is lost to us & we will always wonder what our child may have looked like at a
certain age or even what kind of ice cream would have been their favorite.  You will be
told to “Get over it” & “Move on..” or my favorite “You can have another baby”.  Yes,
we more than likely can, but it will not replace the child we lost nor will it diminish our
heartache.  In our fast-paced world, we so often put time limits on things, even grief.  Just
know there is not a time limit on your grief.  We live in such a fix-it society that people
seldom realize there are some things we cannot “fix”,  it is these things we will carry
with us throughout our lives. It is what we do with those things that sets us apart from
others.

  Let yourself grieve, if you feel like crying, cry.  You're going to have days when
you feel like it is all behind you & your grieving time is over.  Then  you will have days
when the pain seems like it will never end.  What I pray we can all strive for is to have
those days  come a bit farther between & the feelings of deep loss be replaced  with peace &
comfort in the knowledge that our children will always be an important part of us.  You
will be forever changed by this experience, I pray that it comes to be a positive change
over time.  I have found myself being more thankful for my older daughter & my
husband & the love we all share.  I have become a more giving person & find myself
trying harder to make relationships work that I would have otherwise abandoned.   A
deeper appreciation for the short time we have here on earth and the true value of all life
is one of the many things your child will bless you with that so many others do not have. 

Though it will be hard, overlook those people who will make heartless comments
to you or try to move you along in your grief.  That was the hardest thing for me to do.  It
was so hard in my intense grief to have such cruel things said to me(The saddest thing
was the people saying them did not realize they were being cruel-or at least I hope they
did not!).  My friend related something that happened to her & her husband early on
when they lost their daughter.  A friend called who knew she was due to have her baby
but lived far away & did not know what had happened.  She called to see if she had
delivered & her husband answered the phone & explained to this woman what had
happened.  This friend then said “It must have been God’s will”.  Her husband said “You
know that we do not believe that & if God needed another angel baby, he could have
made one”.  I said “Good for him!”  It may be hard for you, I know I always feared I
might hurt someone’s feelings, but when someone says something hurtful to you or you
do not feel was appropriate, call them on it.  There is no shame in telling that person in a
polite manner what they said hurt you or was not true.  That way, you may prevent them
from saying the same thing to another family in the same situation.  Enlightenment
through education!  But we also must remember to forgive those who say or do things
that may be hurtful to us.  I quote Carol Ruth Blackman:   “Forgiveness is a key to our
healing.  Whether they ever change, or are sorry or not, our healing is dependent upon
forgiving others. “   It will be hard to forgive those who have hurt you, and suprisingly, you may find it harder to forgive those closest to you who have said or done hurtful things, for you do not expect it from them.  But it is something we all need to do.  For some, it may take weeks & some even years, but we all need to strive for that goal to heal ourselves.  Harboring those bad feelings is only going to prolong our pain & hurt us even deeper.  I pray that you all find peace & forgiveness towards others and that tomorrow your day be just a little brighter.  God Bless You All.
Written by Jennifer A. Shaffer
In Loving Memory of Cristin Claire May 17, 1999 to May 18, 1999

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