I was sitting back, re-reading my website and realized that I just wrote an article that pretty much made fun of two of my friends (one moreso) just because they did something that pissed me off (well, one did, the other just got in the way). I then concluded that I am an asshole. I'm not an extreme asshole, mind you. But I sure as hell am getting there. I wrote one article about a teenager who was killed when his four wheeler was hit by a speeding car, and pretty much mocked him for it (regardless of the fact I knew most of the people I knew would kick the shit out of me upon reading it). I wrote many lines in one article threatening to kick one of my friends in the stomach repeatedly for talking during a movie, knowing full well they would eventually read it (which they did). I've drawn pictures of myself killing people who piss me off. I came up with the idea that we should seclude people with AIDS in which they'll eventually die off, I even wrote a few articles just because my girlfriend liked something and I disagreed entirely. Now, wouldn't you say that would count me as being a novice asshole? Maybe I should try my hardest to get boosted up there to become the worthy title of master asshole. What can I say to make people hate me more? I decided to come up with ten topics to write about that would most likely piss someone off. Enjoy.
1) To hell with the tsunami crisis. To hell with all the victems and survivors. Let's stop sending them all of this money and send it all to me, because I'm infinately more important than some kid who lost his house and entire family to an act of nature such as a fucking huge tidal wave. I guess all these people who are donating money to help fund this crisis are over looking the fact that millions of children are dying every day of starvation, war, and flesh eating diseases that wipe out entire villages. Fuck those people though, we have a conscience to feel good about. This tsunami is the news of the century, and we want to be a part of it, so lets throw our money away on some kid who probably won't even get it because the governments of the world will probably try to find some way to fill their own damn pockets with more money that we send to save these people, when in reality I'm the one who needs to be saved. I need to be saved from all of these idiots who go around saying "Oh those poor people who died over in Sri Lanka". What do they matter to you? You don't know them. Most of them could be murderers, rapists, or people who murder rapists. Let's focus all our attention on the people here. There are tens of hundreds of thousands of Canadians here that die from starvation every year, and all they get is one turkey dinner at Christmas time, but come the first country that's a half a world away that gets hit by a wall of water all of a sudden we have to focus on them and show that we love all countries of the world (except our own apparently)? Fuck that. Of course, if the US were to go to help out with the tsunami crisis then chances are they would probably wage war on the Indian Ocean (good luck finding oil there you bastards). Why should we help them out when no Asian (or any country for that matter) would ever send us "relief funds" (Why use the word relief? Can't people afford toilets?) if we were hit by a huge tidal wave. Chances are you're just throwing all your money away because no vast amount of cash is going to stop the next tsunami from wiping out the survivors. You can't stop nature's destructive powers, only provoke it. So why don't we just try a little natural selction here? A little survival of the fittest? Rather than trying to save all these people who will be killed by another natural disaster in the end, why don't we import them here, lie to them to lure them into a slaughter house, and grind their bodies to produce food for the hungry people here? That way our people will never go hungry, and we can be all fit and ready to protect ourselves if any countries decided to attack us. Mmm, I'm hungry. Could you pass me another Sri Lanka Victem?
(Honerable mention to Ryan for helping with the writing of that one.)
2) I hope friends of that 16 year old who died while riding his four wheeler are reading this because I'm sure this will really piss you off. It was HIS fault that he was killed. You think that I'm wrong and pray that god kills me right now? The way I heard it was that he wasn't even wearing a helmet while he was riding his vehicle, not that it would have mattered anyways because even if he was that wouldn't have stopped the car from taking his head off like it did. Apparently he was driving it without the headlights on (think it's just a rumor or a lie? You're only delusioning yourself into thinking that because you don't want to think that way about your "hero"). He was wearing dark clothes, and most important of all, he was driving it on a poorly lit street with no street lamps at all on the mountain, at night of all times. If he had followed the safety tips on how to make sure not to get decapitated by a car he probably wouldn't have gotten his shit ruined. But he decided to remain ignorant and gotten from this "tragedy" what we all really want in life. Love, respect, admiration, and a coffin buried six feet under with his own frozen corpse buried with it. Wait, perhaps he was cremated. After all, it would have been quite hard to stick the remaining pieces of him that they scraped off of the road and from the bottom of the tires of the car that hit him into the coffin. I guess he can take a little comfort in knowing that while he's watching over us from his nice little resting spot in hell, he can look forward to being reunited with his friends and family soon, seeing as how that's where we're all going when we die anyways.
3) I'd eat more vegetables in my diet, but the wheelchairs are so hard to swallow.
4) I'm right, you're wrong, and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.
5) I'm getting laid and you're not. AHAHAHAHA!!!
6) The O.C. is the worst show on television
7) NIGGER! Oops! I said the N word on my private website? Damndest thing. I guess the fact that white people get called "crackers" all the time by black people is more tolerable than us calling them Niggers. Hell, white people aren't even allowed to call each other crackers for christ's sake. So much for equality.
8) I could kick god's ass any day. What the hell am I saying? I AM god!
9) If your child died in a fire, then you have failed as a parent. You should have been teaching him things on fire safety and what to do if a fire should ever occur, such as not hiding under a bed, and not to go near the stove. It's alright though, no one will blame you for it, you can just say you were gone and you don't know why they never tried and of the safety tips that you taught them. When all else fails, deny that you're a horrible parent.
10) Did you know that kittens taste great with BBQ sauce? Only if you slowly roast the kitten for twenty minutes, no more, no less, otherwise their meat is all stringy. The best thing is you could probably have enough left over afterwards for sandwiches.
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