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| THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the bowl. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there’s no shit on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as “Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit” You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE “GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT” SHIT The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the “Power Dump”. That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE LIQUID SHIT That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE CRACK FLAPPER SHIT This shit seems to create its own weather system. Your butt cheeks feel like they’re flapping in the wind when this shit comes out. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE “ON THE CLOCK” SHIT This is any shit that you take while you are punched in at work. Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify. THE “BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT” SHIT This is any shit that you take in a “pay” bathroom. Thankfully, there aren’t too many of these left. If you’re ever in a Mexican border town, be sure to try one! THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE “HONEYMOON’S OVER” SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. |
| SHIT LIST (part I) |