ShitII

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don’t. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit that has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN’T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

SHITZOPHRENIA
Fear of shitting – can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a “Still Going” shit.

THE ROCKET SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you’re done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear its got to be coming out sideways.

THE “I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE” SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE “I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER” SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE “I THINK I’M TURNING INTO A BUNNY” SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE “WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?” SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE “I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE” SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.