come, listen to me talk about myself

after a number of people who have read all the stuff on this page have said it's the shit, i've decided to [finally] add some more as it's nice to know the things that come out of me are enjoyed by some. the suggestion of writing a book came up due to my apparent "creative unique style". that used to be one of my goals, to write a book. i'd write it about myself in typical vain fashion. go me.

it's hard when people like stuff that i do as it places a large expectation on me, or at least that's how i feel about it. i probably shouldn't, but it's just how i am. but i guess if i just keep crapping on about myself and my mind and the shit that goes on up there, i should be fine.

although... i've changed, fuckin' shitloads, since all the previous stuff on here was written. i'm no way near as depressed as i was. i guess i discussed this in my previous entry [or whatever this is] so i'll just shutup about that stuff for now.

i guess i should talk about my current self, as these pages are supposed to represent that.

well...... where do i start? i really don't know. when you leave something for some time it's always hard to pick it up again. like driving. i got really good at it [for a learner] until i had an accident and didnt drive for ages.... but tonight i drove a little and it was fuckin' scary and really hard on me. man i hate cars. i've had this phobia for a while. it's getting worse. i can hardly even bare being a passenger. i need to close my eyes whenever something happens - like pulling out into traffic, or whatever. too many people die in cars, and it's not a normal human function, to move at such speeds. and people take it so lightly and be total assholes and take major risks not thinking twice of the crash that's coming up. people die in car accidents. someone you know will or has already died in one. they were just going out for a little drive, and it was the last time they were seen alive. so sad. i hate this part of life. i hardcore don't want to have to deal with it, and it upsets me greatly, and makes me want to crawl up into a little ball in my bed and never come out to play. i wish there was another way, an alternative.... but i can't find it. i'm going to have to fight this through, and deal with the feelings of being swallowed up by the other cars. pushed around, beat around, keep my head up, concentrate. the only way i can see myself getting my license is if i totally ignore the dangers, and try to convince myself that "it won't happen to me". but at the moment i'm realistic, and i can't fool myself so easily.... so i guess i'm stuck with stupid crappy dog rooting fucked up public transport..... or bumming lifts. it's strange though, how i can [pretty much] handle other people driving. i mean i still get really nervous and i need to close my eyes and all that, but i can handle it. maybe coz i've been brought up as a passenger in cars, and i've gotten used to it. and i guess if i was driving i can't really close my eyes and pretend it's not happening.

man.... i feel like i'm letting everyone down too, by not driving, especially myself. i'm limiting myself hardcore. in order to become intune with the outside world, one must become involved in the standard and necessary activities of the outside world.

so why am i so scared of driving? there are a few reasons:

one is shame. i don't want to crash, as it's so shameful to do so, and i get incredibly stressed out about it.

intimidation. i feel incredibly intimidated and not good enough on the road. i don't want other drivers to think i'm a shit driver. i don't want to be a hazard on the roads.

road rage. people have already picked on my driving and have purposely yelled abuse at me. it hurts like mad and makes me want to escape reality.

responsibility. i don't like the feeling of being held responsible for other peoples lives. if i fuck up i might kill someone. such i scary thought. i could never live with this.

death. i'm scared of dying. i thought i was over it but it's still there. i don't want to die. life is too beautiful, and there are so many things i need to see and do before my time is up, and it's one of my biggest fears i will die before i've lived my life. death is a beautiful thing, and is vital to this world and existence... i just have trouble dealing with the fact i have to play my part too.

anxiety. electric shock waves that run through my body shaking me up. i cannot deal with a dangerous situation very well. i freak out, freeze, and totally distance myself from the moment.

........ there's probably more, but i'm over talking about it.

i have ball pain, and there is no reason for it. but it fuckin' hurts. i must be sitting wrong. girls/ladies: you lucky mother fuckers never having to experience such pain. i swear, sometimes i would rather be dead than experience ball pain. i hear you can actually kill a guy by kicking him in the balls. yeah, i'd believe that.

my name is chris hoffman. that's not who i am though, it's just my name. a representation of my existence for the eyes and the ears to help other people remember who i am, or to help them gain my attention, or to help them talk about me.

it's weird being human. i can't put my finger on it. i look at other people and think that there's no way in hell their existence is somewhat similar to mine. i see people in groups, and see them as that, a group. but really they're all lonely individual souls trapped in human skin.

it's FUCKIN' weird being human. i don't get it. i never have. i probably never will. it makes no sense to me. i cannot grasp being alive and being what i am. i so wish i could. life is here, this is it.... and not one person on the whole fuckin' planet understands what we really are and what we've got.

no-one knows all the answers, i wish i had a few.

time killed the old me