[spiritual] me

religion is totally fucked. im sick of the shit..... man made organisations formed to control people [or make money]. what bullshit. there are so many flaws in all of them that are so godam obvious i cant believe so many people are so fuckin' stupid to follow such bullshit.

i could go on for hours and hours and hours describing why i hate certain organised religions, and i probably will write it all down someday, but i dont feel like it right about now. im just pissed off at it all, thats all. i know i shouldnt. i should be all accepting of other people and all that crap, but people suck...... and our ideas are shitty.

having said that i consider myself spiritual [possibly because of my godam christian upbringing], and i dislike most of the physical world.

i've been angry at everything lately..... maybe because someone just died. abby. she was 4. its so fucked up and unfair. shit like that really gets me down, hense i've been really sick the past few days.

someone told me i'd like buddism..... and i just looked it up and i already hate it. just another bunch of rules of dont do this and thats. it all becomes a chore in the end...... its not a choice anymore and thats when things start to suck. thats why so many marriages have fallen apart. thats why i doubt i'll ever marry. i want every day to be a choice, not a chore.

i found this at jef fal's page, "it is undesirable to centralize one's life around people. people are unpredictable. they can change their minds, and they can die. it is especially undesirable to centralize one's life on a boyfriend or girlfriend (these days, the same is true of husbands and wives). the most common cause of depression is the termination of a romantic relationship. in the prime of such a relationship, it seems normal and even expected to the participants that they regard their partner with the highest importance. this is extremely impractical because such intimate relationships are difficult to maintain and throughout the world have an overwhelmingly high rate of failure. to rely so heavily on a situation that is so unstable is unreasonable.

but to contradict this, there is, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

and im wrapped up in my own confusion again, as there was no conclusion. i guess thats good because now i can either choose to love and lose, or, ignore and be alone...... which leads to a less dramatic life. but choice is good. i like to be in control.

so is it worth it to risk the extreams? i think it is..... but i can tell you the medication im on trys to stamp out those extreams.... and so does society. therefore i RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE !!!

im not talking about ultimate extreams here either, as i dont think there is such a thing. there are no real limits.... we just make them, or the physical world has made them.

i've been told [by a doctor] to not live with ultimate extreams yet find the medium [which is apparently something from buddism]..... but how can i find a medium to something that has no ultimate extreams?

so i take it finding the medium was supposed to be a way of accepting, "it could be better.... but on the other hand it could also be worse". we're trapped in shades of grey..... floating among them, with little clue what the fuck is going on. therefore we ignore it..... which is a typical human thing to do i'm guessing. there is no way for us to totally understand it so why bother trying as we're never going to find the extreams and satisfy the goal, as everything seems to be in physical earth. we get hungry..... we eat. problem solved. anything that doesnt have a simple fixed answer is seen as not important to many as our minds seem to be made to only deal with such simple issues..... and the continued no fixed answers, the continued non satisfaction, it leads to our limited minds to become depressed. if a physical mind doesnt get a physical answer, it carries on and goes stupid and tells the rest of your body something is wrong, and that you're sick.

think aboug space for a minute. it is limitless afterall. but does it still exist once the last star is out of reach? if you are moving away from the universe, and moving further and further, until it is no longer in site, and you keep moving. but then are you moving anymore? are you going anywhere? you're not passing anything, you are not moving toward anything, but you are moving away from the universe, even though you cannot see it anymore, its still there.... therefore you are still moving, as you have something to compare it against, you have something to rebel against.

nothing does exist. you can interprate nothing as a distance.... the distance between you and the universe [which continually grows as you move away] is a distance where nothing exists.

i could keep moving away from the universe forever and ever, and keep moving threw space, getting nowhere, only moving further and further away. my physical brain struggles to understand the limitless of space, or the limitless of anything, as it is programed to deal with structured fixed square answers.

when im at peace with the limitless of everything, it is the most peaceful moment you can imagine. its kind of an emotional feeling. a spiritual feeling, an uplifting.... i dont get it very often though. but its wrong to deny it, i've definately felt this calm and just, out of this world.... without the help of drugs. its a pure possitive feeling.

putting myself in a calmer state of mind isnt so good though. it does relax me and reduce stress, tention and anxiety, but it also makes me increadibly dosile, and i find it hard to concerntrate on anything. i distance myself from everything so i dont have to deal with it all. but how can i deal? no matter what i do im fucked. we're all fucked. worrying about it wont change it, but it might help the understanding process better. i will question things.... i cant help that, i just do. i feel its wrong not too. but i guess i should just shutup and be another piece of the machine.

i think thats why so many people get depressed, and why so many people comit suicide. they cant jam themselves into society, they cant force themselves to be part of the physical world, so the leave it.

ignorance is bliss.

questions no answers.

despite all my rage i'm still just a rat in a cage

do the evolution...... and if you cant see evolution you're blind..... listen to all radiohead's albums from start to now and you can hear evolution. their sound has "evolved". its changed and improved over the years. this is a simple example of evolution. evolution was never a plan, its just survival. the strongest and most possitive ways to live have mated and reproduced. some insects have evolved to be resistant to certain crop sprays. most were killed but some survived, some were strong enough to deal with the spray and live on, and they reproduced and lived on and created a new breed of insect that is now almost like the last yet has evolved around the crop spray. everything is changing all the time. it is stupid to ignore it. the very act of time shows change.

the above story is kind of depressing for me as im not increadibly fit for the physical world.... im consistantly wondering off into my own little world. its survival of the fittest and i'm weak. i may have a strong personality, but physically im increadibly worn down and out.

a lot of smart people dont bread. im sure there have been a lot of smart people through time, but they never reproduced.

"been around the world and i see only stupid people are breading"

the animal in me is still there though, i cannot ignore it. sex can be a good thing and i'd be lying if i didnt say i thought about it, or at least my body has.

celibacy..... its very tempting. im definately an introvert... but i also like to look outward aswell.... it changes a lot. you see im not fixed..... so i guess im not 'definately' an introvert, as thats just a word to describe things.... its a limitation..... there's no way i could ever be 100% an introvert, as it doesnt work that way..... with the whole 'no extreams' thing.

when you get into shit like this you find yourself continually contradicting yourself. oh well. i suppose im as bad as a religion, although i dont force it down peoples throats at birth. im just another confused rebelious human who questions things and analyses them to try to find meaning even if i know i'll never find it....

at least i dont pretend i know all the answers.

ah damn, i did the old "at least i dont blah blah blah". wasnt that mature of me. but so what.... maturity is fucked anyways. its all about sweaping everything thats important under a rug and becoming ignorant. and its about covering up the mistakes and pretending they were never there.

we all do it though..... and i suppose it can be a good thing.

"its evolution baby."

me [the asshole]