| I'm telling you, these quotes aren't going to end... |
| Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for? Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World. |
| Peter: Ok, here's another riddle: A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one! |
| Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts? Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh 'cause I said, 'Come.' |
| Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits Cereal! It says, 'Oooooo.' Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. |
| Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. |
| Lois: Peter, you're drunk again! Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking. |
| (In hell) Peter: Hey, what are you doing here? Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet... so I ripped her in half like a phonebook. |
| Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on them? Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street, in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. Peter: Yeah. Brian: No, they've never done that... |
| Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happened to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard. Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk? Peter: I drift in and out. |
| Peter: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy? |
| Peter: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France. |
| Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts. Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying) |
| Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living, so we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep. Bob: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy? I've got to do something! Man #1: Bob, there's nothing you can do. Bob: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor. |
| Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes. |
| Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. |
| Lois: A woman is not an object. Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. Lois: Peter! |