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This is actually the prologue of one of my books, but it can also stand alone by itself... I wrote this back near the end of 1995, and also wrote a sequel to it. I got inspired by my "poetry soulmate", Naomi - she was at the time trying to find her real mother, and the search was difficult. From it, this idea came to me. I actually dedicated the book to Naomi, because she inspired it and she was an important part of my life back then. Actually, when I finished this prologue, I showed it to her - and it got her crying... so I was happy to have been able to touch her.. Without further adue, the prologue of Can I Find Her?...
“You can’t do this to us! You can’t!” I screamed at my mother. “How can you just throw us away like we are filthy rags to you? How can you?!”
My mother put a shaky hand through her greasy, brown hair. Her drunken, brown eyes looked down at me like I wasn’t really there. “Johnny, shut up.” She pushed me aside with her arm, and walked past me towards the people who were going to take us away.
“Johnny?”
I turned around to find my little sister sitting on the ground. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes. I knew she thought I could solve everything once again and be able to keep us together, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. She was seven years old and she expected her eleven-year-old brother to help her. “Yeah, Ashley?”
“Everything is going to be okay, right, Johnny?” Ashley’s voice peeped out.
I frowned down at her. I moved over beside her and sat down on the dirty, wooden floor of our one bedroom apartment. I tucked my knees up against my chest and wrapped my dry-skin arms around them. “I don’t think it will happen this time.”
I glanced over at our mother. She was talking to the tall, old man that was going to be taking us away from her and from our home.
I didn’t really blame the man for everything that was happening. I knew that if there were kids that were living with a mother who’s only reason for living was to down a gallon bottle of Vodka, I would take them away also.
I don’t really mind the idea of leaving Mom. She has never watched over us. She has never cared, really. I was getting tired of watching over Ashley. I mean, I’m only a little kid.
The thing that does worry me though is that this man is going to take Ashley away from me. I need Ashley and I know Ashley needs me. We have been with each other for the last six years, watching out for each other. Now, she may be taken away from me.
Tears began to brim the outer edges of my eyes.
I felt Ashley’s small hand on my arm. “Johnny, what’s the matter? You never cry.”
I wiped the wetness around my eyes onto the sleeve of my jacket. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell Ashley what might happen. I don’t know what the news would do to her. “Ashley, if something bad happens, don’t worry.”
Ashley shook her head innocently. “No, Johnny. Nothing bad ever happens. You keep the bad away from me.”
I choked back a cry from my lips, but I couldn’t stop my voice from cracking as I spoke to her. “I may not be able to keep the bad away from you this time, Ashley.”
Ashley smiled uneasily. The smile didn’t look right on her always-at-ease face. “You’re joking with me, aren’t you?”
I sighed. “I’m afraid not.”
Ashley stared at me for a moment. I couldn’t tell what was going through her mind, but then I knew when her face crumbled and her eyes erupted in tears that she knew what I thought would happen.
I put my arms around her, once again trying to save her from the harm that might approach. All the other times, I had been able to save her. Not anymore though. Not anymore.
One might call me mature for my age, and maybe I was, I don’t know. When people say you are mature, they are only looking at how you present yourself and act in front of others. They never see what is going on inside you. I may act mature, but my heart is young, and it is hard for me to face things that some adults never have and may never have to face...Picture that. An eleven-year-old kid dealing with this kind of a life. Try to picture yourself, and I bet you can’t.
“Tanner kids, we’re going now,” the man’s voice boomed out over our heads.
I turned my attention to him. I glanced to his side. There was a younger man beside him with the same stern look. I frowned. This wasn’t going to be good. “Where are we going?” I stood up and helped Ashley up also.
The old man exchanged looks with the younger one.
The younger one spoke. “Well, right now you will go to a little boys’ home. We’ll have to see what will happen for you later on; if you will be put in a home or not.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I asked the question I never wanted to ask. “What about my sister?”
The older man spoke up. “A home has already been set up for her. She will be living with an adoptive family off in the east.”
“No! I want to be with Johnny!” Ashley cried out. She kicked the older man in the shin real hard. She turned and was running for the front door.
When I realized what she was doing, I started to run after her but I was too later. The older man grabbed my arm, and pulled me back to him with one hand, his other on his shin.
“Run, Ashley! Run away!”
But it was too late. The younger man caught Ashley at the door and picked her up off the ground. He began to carry her back, silently cursing at her feet kicking him in the face.
“Johnny, help! Mommy!” Ashley yelled to us.
I knew I couldn’t do anything as I stood helplessly beside the man. I glanced at my mother. She stood beside the counter, drinking down another vodka. She didn’t even seem to know what was going on. She waved to Ashley, a big smile on her face. “I see you, honey! Keep riding the horsey! I think he likes you!”
Ashley stared at Mom. I did, too. Sometimes, I really wondered about my mother. Her state of mind is always on some other galaxy.
Even the two men stopped struggling with us for a moment and stared at her. You could tell they were tying to comprehend what was going through those remaining brain cells of hers.
I shook my head at them. “Don’t waste your time.”
The older man smiled down at me. “I think you are right. We would have a hard time figuring it out.” Then his smile left his face and the stern look was replaced. He shook my arm. “Don’t run away from me. Come on, we’re leaving.”
The two men dragged us out of the front door.
I glanced back at Mom to see if she showed any kind of emotion to us leaving.
“Good-bye, kids! Have a good time on the horses at Raging Waters!” my mother called out to us, waving the hand that held her Vodka.
She really is on another planet.
Ashley’s cries brought me back to the reality of the situation. I watched her being dragged to a car different than the one I was being drawn towards. “Ashley!”
“Johnny! Don’t leave me, Johnny!” I had never seen her cry so many tears. She tried to get out of the man’s arms, but there was really no reason for the effort. The man wasn’t going to let her go.
The older man started to push me into his car. I resisted, trying to look at my sister for one last time. I bit my lower lip, trying to keep myself from crying. I tasted blood and released my lip. “Ashley, I will find you! I will find you!”
“Johnny, I---” her message was cut off as the older man had enough of me, and shoved me into the back seat of his car. He closed the door. I turned around in my seat and stared in complete sadness as the younger man shoved Ashley into his back seat.
The older man started up his car. “Say good-bye forever, kid. I don’t think you’ll see her again.” Oddly, a flicker of sympathy entered his voice. “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t care that I was a guy; I cried.
As we drove off, I watched Ashley and the car grow smaller and smaller. I blew a kiss out to her, wherever she was. “I love you,” I whispered.
Ashley, I will find you. If I have to cross the world to do it, I will. Nothing could stop me.
© 1995
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