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“I’m sorry, Kristin...She’s gone,” Jonathan uttered through his own tears. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, unsure of what to do.
I shook my head in remorse, “No.”
“I’m sorry, honey, but Cassie is dead...”
With tears beginning to brim in my eyes, I slowly started to draw away from him.
“...She overdosed on pills last night...She’s gone.” Jonathan took a step forward, trying to embrace me.
I pulled myself out of his secure grasp and pushed him in the chest. I turned to face the wall, wrapping my arms around myself. “Nooo!”
“I’m sorry...I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you but there was no other way. I’m just so sorry,” Jonathan said with sincerity. His eyes remained on me.
I spun around, waving my right arm in front of me. “Stop saying you’re sorry! Stop saying that!”
Jonathan looked at me helplessly. “Well then what am I supposed to say?”
My eyes made their way up to his own, and possibly for the first time I really saw Jonathan. He was hurting just as much as I was, if not more. He loved Cassie--it didn’t matter that they had broken up a short time ago, his feelings were still real. Maybe it was his comforting gaze or maybe it was the fact that he needed me right now...and I needed him.
With a look of defeat, my tears began to shed. They shed not only for Cassie, but for me. As selfish as it may have sounded at that moment, I was thinking of myself. I was thinking of how I wouldn’t have a close friend to lean on anymore. I was thinking of how we had just begun talking again after a long separation. Most of all, I was thinking of how much I was going to miss her love and friendship she had always shown towards me. I was going to miss her.
Sobbing, I fell into Jonathan’s arms, letting his embrace swallow me whole. I never wanted to leave the shelter he provided for me...the understanding. Oh, how I wished everyone could understand...
By nighttime the following day, the shock of Cassie’s death had worn off and the sadness was all I knew. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted so much to be able to talk through whatever was ailing her that night. There were so many questions...Was it because the physical pain had become overwhelming? Was it the emotional pain? Or what? I just wanted some answers.
I knew there wasn’t going to be any way to get the answers from her. As I sat there and contemplated what I could do--how I could get all my anger and frustrations out, I suddenly knew.
Reaching into my desk drawer, I pulled out a pen and a piece of stationary with flowers surrounding the borders--Cassie’s favorite. I began to write Cassie a letter...
Why? Please just tell me why... Man, Cassie, I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never hurt so much. I miss you so much it’s like a weight is just crushing down on top of my chest and I can’t push it off... No one can. Believe me, they try. They try to make me happy--make me laugh, but it’s all on the surface, ya know? I may seem to be following what they’re saying or something, but I’m not. In a way, it kind of feels like I’m being fake. And I don’t want to be acting fake with my friends--I want them to know how much I’m hurting. I want them to understand what I’m going through... but I know down inside the only ones who will ever understand is your best friend, Erin, and Jonathan. They knew you--most likely better than I even knew you... but in the long run, none of that seems to matter. All that matters is the fact that you were my friend...and still are. Even if you aren’t here with me anymore, you are always in my heart, Cassie. Nothing could change that. Do you know that? Do you really know that? I can only hope you do...
Man...I’m so confused right now. There are so many emotions going through me... I just can’t express to you exactly what I’m feeling. All I know is amongst all this sadness and hurt, I’m angry. Couldn’t you have found any other way to get past all your hurt? Couldn’t you have talked to me? Couldn’t you have talked to Erin or Jonathan? Anything else than killing yourself, Cassie!!! I mean, gosh! What were you thinking already?! Just leave us all here...all of us who care for you and wanted you to be around for the rest of our lives...fine then...just leave us. Are you happy now? I sure hope so...
Oh Cassie...what am I doing? I don’t want to be mad at you. I love you. I don’t know if you ever knew, but I do. I suppose this is good-bye, isn’t it? Or will I see you again? Either way I want you to know I will never forget you...you were in my heart at the beginning, during the period of time when we lost touch, and when communication was restored. And you know what? You’re still there...and always will be.
I’ll always love you, Cassie,
Kristin
With a sigh, I placed the pen down beside the paper and leaned back in my chair. Tears had been falling down my cheeks during my writing. With the back of my hand, I wiped them away.
After reading over my letter once more, I realized it wasn’t enough. There was something more I needed to do...I felt like there was something left undone.
I stood up, picking up Cassie’s letter, and slowly made my way out of my room.
“It’s so beautiful here,” I mumbled. My fingers brushed the water beneath them.
I looked out into the sunset and knew I couldn’t have come to the lake on a more perfect day. It seemed like it was all taking place the way it should--the way Cassie would have loved it. It all seemed ironic in a way.
Picking up the letter, I looked it over once more. It expressed my feelings exactly--I knew I hadn’t been holding anything back when writing. The odd thing was I felt like she knew now--knew how I felt. I already felt like a great weight was lifted from my chest.
Leaning over, I took out a match from the matchbox, striking it on a nearby rock. It lit with an enflaming passion.
I placed the corner of the letter slowly over the flame and watched it begin to burn. I blew the match out, placing it beside me. I watched the flame slowly make it’s way up the letter, until I knew I couldn’t hold onto it for much longer.
I laid the letter into the water at the base of the lake, gazing at it as it floated away. It seemed to symbolize everything that had been happening to me in the last couple of days--the pain, the guilt, and the relief. I knew I would be okay...it would take awhile, but sooner or later I would begin to heal.
Rising to my feet, I turned to walk up the hill I had come down. When I reached the top, I looked down upon the lake, searching for the peace I sought... and smiled for the first time since I had heard about Cassie. An overwhelming feeling was in my heart and all I could do was smile.
“I know.”
© April 30, 1998
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