Chapter Fifteen -- Hard to Say Goodbye
*AJ*
Nick had gone after Shannon. Cass was on the phone with somebody, and she kept blinking, as though she didn’t want to cry. Through the open door I could hear Nick talking to Brian, and a moment later the elevator dinged, just as Brian walked into the room. Baylee jumped up and raced over to him, and I busied myself by turning off the game and getting the controllers out of the floor.
When she’d grabbed her jacket, I’d gotten to my feet, and had already taken a step after her when Nick brushed past me. Realizing my error, I’d sat back down, unsure what to do. I still didn’t know. I’d seen the stricken look on her face, and it had been like a knife through my heart.
When I turned from the TV, Brian and Baylee were gone, and Cass sat on the edge of the bed, idly opening and closing the cell phone she held. I stood there for a moment, looking at her, feeling out of place and useless.
“I better call the airport. We need a flight to Nana’s town. And I should pack some of Shan’s things. She won’t be able to.” Getting to her feet, Cass began to pace.
“You probably won’t be able to leave until tomorrow,” I said gently.
“God, AJ, she’s going to take this so hard. She and Nana were so close--closer than anyone I’ve ever seen. I love her like she was my own gramma, but...no one loves her as much as Shannon does.” Hands shaking, she walked towards the door.
Where was she going? “Cass,” I said. When she shook her head, I sighed.
“I’ve gotta go pack,” she said softly, already out the door.
Following her, I stopped at Kevin’s open door. Brian stood just inside, filling Kevin and Kristin and Howie in. Kristin was nodding sympathetically.
“We need to arrange a flight,” I said, leaning in the doorway. “As soon as possible.”
“I’ll ask Cassie where she lived,” Kristin said, opening a drawer in the desk. “I’ll make the arrangements,” she added, pulling out a phonebook.
Thank God for Kristin. She was always levelheaded, always knew just what to do. Moving so she could leave, I looked at my band mates.
“We’ve gotta see about postponing the next couple of shows. You know Nick’s gonna want to be with her,” Howie said, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“So do I,” we all added softly.
Smiling slightly, Brian cleared his throat. “She-it. What’s gonna happen next?”
*Nick*
I finally caught up with Shannon outside. She was standing in the middle of the courtyard behind the hotel, the rain pouring down on her. Her face was buried in her hands, and her shoulders shook as she cried.
“God, no,” she sobbed as I neared her. When I touched her shoulder, she jumped, started to move away, but I held on tight.
“Baby,” I said softly. “Come back inside.”
“No, I need to be alone,” she said, glancing up at me. Her eyes were red, her soaked hair clinging to her cheeks. “Just leave me, Nick,” she murmured before another wave of sobs surfaced.
Pulling her close, I felt her pushing me away. “Shan, it’s okay,” I said. “I’m here, you’re gonna be okay.”
“I don’t want you here,” she cried, pushing against me. “Just let me be.” Yanking free, she stepped away, hugging herself as she looked at the ground.
“Honey, you need to get in. I don’t want you to get sick.”
“Let me get sick. Maybe I’ll die, then I won’t feel this pain,” she said, her voice catching on each word.
“Shannon--“
“Just go!” she screamed, whirling around to face me. “Go,” she whispered.
*AJ*
I don’t know why I went downstairs. Everything was under control up there. Kristin and Cass were making flight arrangements and packing; Kevin and Howie were talking to management about postponing shows. Brian was putting Baylee to bed for the night.
Suddenly dying for a smoke, I stepped out the back door, staying under the canopy to keep out of the rain. Glancing around after I lit up, I saw Shannon standing in the middle of the courtyard. Tossing my cigarette aside, I braced myself before going over to her.
She was soaked to the skin, hugging herself. When she turned, I saw her lips were tinged blue, and she had a vacant look in her eyes. “Shannon,” I whispered.
“She’s gone, AJ. The person I love more than anything. She left me.” Though she was staring at me, I knew she wasn’t seeing me. “When I was a little girl, she promised she would always be with me. God is supposed to be everything that’s wonderful and kind, and he took my Nana away from me. How could He do that?”
“She’s not gone,” I said, wanting to hold her but knowing she would push me away. “She’ll always be with you in spirit.”
“It’s not the same.” She closed her eyes. “When Mama and Daddy died, I made her promise she would never leave me. How could she promise that and then not keep it?” she sobbed. “God, how I wish it were me instead.”
“Don’t say that, Shannon. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Your Nana lived a long, full life.” I was trying desperately not to cry.
“What have I got to look forward to? Nick? Big fucking deal,” she said, shaking her head. “If I’m lucky, he’ll throw me down a flight of stairs and I’ll be out of my misery.”
Just the thought of such a thing happening made me tremble with rage. “Don’t wish that, Shan. Please, God, don’t say anything like that.”
“What do I have to live for, AJ?” Opening her eyes, took a deep breath, her lips trembling. “You know the truth? I don’t think he loves me half as much as he says he does. It’s only a matter of time before he casts me aside like yesterday’s news. Then what? Go back home to nothing? Why bother? There’s nothing left for me. Nana was my only stronghold, the one I could turn to no matter what happened. Now she’s gone.”
When had I started to cry? Seeing her in pain and being incapable of helping her was excruciating. “Shan, babe, come on in and get dried off. You’ve got seven people in there who want to comfort you and cry with you. Eight,” I murmured. “Eight people who love you.”
*Shannon*
I don’t remember going upstairs, or getting dry and changing into my pajamas. I don’t remember getting in the bed and wrapping the blanket around me. I only remember looking up from the towel in my hands and seeing Nick, Cass and AJ sitting at the foot of the bed.
“We have a flight out first thing in the morning,” Cass was saying. “You better get some sleep.”
I shook my head. “I can’t sleep. I know I won’t be able to,” I said, rubbing my eyes. I’d stopped crying. For now. I was shivering, but couldn’t feel the cold. I was numb.
“I ordered some coffee up,” AJ said, and I noticed he was fiddling with his lighter.
Nick moved to sit next to me, his arm sliding tentatively around my shoulders. Needing his strength, I leaned against him. “I need to pack,” I whispered.
“It’s done, honey,” he murmured, gently rubbing my arm. “Cassie and Kristin took care of it.”
“I need to call Aunt Margaret.” I hadn’t talked to anyone yet. I needed to hear the voice of someone I loved.
“I talked to her,” Cass said as AJ went to answer the door. “She said they’ll start making the arrangements when we get there tomorrow.”
Nodding, I glanced around my room. Two suitcases were on the floor by the door, as was my purse and a jacket. The TV was off. “Cass, can you see if I Love Lucy is on? Nana and I used to watch that together all the time.” It would make me feel closer to her.
Nick took a cup of coffee from AJ and handed it to me. “Here, baby, it’ll warm you up.”
I held it in my hands, staring down at the steam. Nana always had to have a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning. Tears filled my eyes, and I blindly pushed the cup away.
But today there is no day or night
Today there is no dark or light
Today there is no black or white
Only shades of gray...