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Faith? 8-22-2000

My faith is almost non-existent now. I want it back. I want to know that there is something out there that will answer all my questions when I die. I want to know that I will see my son again -- that he is more than a dead boy in an expensive white coffin in the cemetery. I want to know that there was someone with him when he left here. I want to know that he wasn't alone.

I want to believe that. I need to believe that.

I suppose I could be using this tenuous grip on my faith to hide from a harsher reality. So the fuck what. It keeps me going sometimes when there is nothing else left. Funny how hard it is to believe when you stare death in the face and see it in all its horror. Yet a part of me still does believe.