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Faith and Free Will 8-20-99

I have had many issues about my faith since my son was killed. This is what I have come to believe after much struggle with this issue. (At least I think I believe it most of the time).

I believe that God does not micromanage our life. He allows us to have free will. Therefore, what happens to us is not a punishment from God. For example, free will allowed some nut to drive down a residential street at 100 miles per hour. It has destroyed my life as I once knew it. Nevertheless, his love for me has allowed me to go on somehow.

The love he imparts to others has allowed them to be there for me. I received such an outpouring of love from my community after Raymond was killed. It had to be God's intervention. I have asked myself why he didn't intercede for my son. I don't know, and it makes me very angry sometimes. Other times I have felt that I couldn't go on, and yet somehow I do go on. I think God gives me strength to do this.

I think that God's intervention has more to do with matters of the soul than having a direct effect on our lives. I will use my own free will to try my best to make something of this life I've been given -- to fight this depression and make a life for me and my daughter.