To my baby boy,

You would have turned eight years old today. I wonder how much you would have changed in these last ten months. I bet that you would be taller. And maybe you wouldn’t want to sit on my lap and give hugs and kisses as much as you used to. It would not be cool. But I bet you would still do it if no one else was around.

I wonder what toys you’d be into this year. Kevin collects Beastmaster figures, so you probably would too. I’m giving one to him in honor of your birthday. I know that you would want your best friend and cousin to have it.

I hope that you are happy wherever you are. You know, I question all of that nowadays. Mommy loves you so much. It is so very hard to be here without you. Sometimes I think I hear your voice in my head saying " It’s okay Mommy don’t cry." I wish that you could give me a sign that you are okay. I think that you are in heaven.

I know that you would be proud of me for finishing school and becoming a teacher. Knowing that is what made me finish. I did it for you. I wish you could have been here to see me through it all. You were always so encouraging for such a little guy. Your simple words always made so much sense. And your hugs always made me feel so loved that I knew I could accomplish anything.

I hope that you are not disappointed in me for the crazy thing I’ve been doing and thinking lately. I want you to always think of me as a good mom. I know that I never was able to give you much. You wanted a nice clean house that was decorated for every holiday. You dreamed with me of the nice things we would have someday. I’m so sorry that you’re not here.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop you from being killed. I’m sorry for everything baby. I know that you would forgive me. I wish that I could sing happy birthday to you. I wish I could watch you run around and play again. If there is a Heaven, I wish I could be there with you. I wish that I could know that you are okay. I love you so much, and its killing me inside. I write this to you because I can’t ever see you again in this life. I hope you have a happy birthday in Heaven.

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you.

Love,
Mom

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