What Are Sports When Left Alone
Heddenville Middle Trounces East Park
The Heddenville Fightin' Saltines whupped up on the East Park Produce Vendors this Friday in middle school football action. It was a late play by Hermann Unger, the young quarterback out of Madison County, that saved the Saltines from a big loss in regular season play. Unger passed the ball to another player on his team, who ran past the goal line, scoring a "touch-down." You could cut the fear in the air with a knife on the East Park side of Don Henley Stadium. The Produce Vendors made a valiant effort in the last play of the game, attempting to burrow under the ground to find an unobstructed path to the end zone, but Referee Billteen Willington ruled that breaking the plane of the earth's surface is technically tantamount to downing the ball. Next week the Saltines face their cross-town rivals, the Free Gladmen from Jefferson-Jackson Pepsico Middle.
Ducks Caught in Headlights Face Tough Opposition
According to the experts, life-like wood duck decoys have little to no chance of escaping when caught in the headlights of oncoming cars. The record of these two teams meeting is 745-3 in favor of traffic, with the duck decoys enjoying a big goose-egg in home-game wins. But what about real, live ducks? Mallards, white ducks, wood ducks, fernsehers, all these species and many more come to Buffalo every year with the hopes of bringing home a ring. Does the dismal showing of their fake-duck counterparts get them down? Not at all, they still vow each year to give 'em hell, and don't stop 'til you get enough. According to team spokesperson Bubbles the Chimp, the ducks have not yet decided on a head coach for this season after the untimely demise of last year's skipper, Zora Neale Hurston. Sports fans will be waiting with cold, green breath for the outcome of this years meeting, for sure.
Dakota Boy Loses Woman, Gets Self in Trouble, Finds Bible
Somewhere in the black mountain hills, a young Mr. Raccoon was brutally attacked by an unidentified assailant, who alledgedly left the scene with Raccoon's girlfriend. Raccoon then checked into the local hotel where his attacker and the young woman were staying, after procurring himself a firearm. The police report mentions that the young man found a Bible in the room, although it is not clear what relevance that has to the case. The police report is also unclear on the name of the girl involved with either Raccoon or his assailant or both. The night after he checked into the room, Raccoon went into his attacker's room. A gunfight ensued. Raccoon was wounded and later died (maybe?) after seeing an inebriated doctor. Da, da, da, da.
Modern Philosophers Squeak by Abstract Concepts in Overtime
Professional football was nothing short of fingers-out-of-gloves exciting this Sunday. The game of the century was going down in the Western Europe Prescientisadome as David Hume lead his Modern Philosophers to a close victory over Freedom, the Argument from Design, and the whole Quality defence. Leibniz was ironically assigned to cover his own Theory of Monads for most of the dramatic contest. Charity and Scientific Realism were taken out early in the game due to injuries, and Immanuel Kant, who usually starts, was kept out of the game because of his recent legal troubles in Canada. For a time, it was all tea and biscuits, however, as Friendship and Karl Marx decided to form a pact, leading both teams to be disqualified for a five-year period late in the nineteenth century. The disqualification was later rescinded, and both teams were given equal scores of 100 to make up for lost time. Surprisingly, it was the Danish Philosopher who sealed the win for the Modern Thinkers by finding the football under Utilitarianism's bruised and battered corpse and accidentally waking backward into the "end" zone. Kierkegaard is lucky that Ludwig Wittgenstein left the team for the San Fransisco 49ers last year, or he might have argued that there is no final, end-state to human knowledge or indeed, any human activity.
Headlines Home