Our news coverage is now so big that we had to create an artificial intellegence (AI) to design a new method of storing information on nitrogen molecules. The technique involves nanotechnology, and human scientists are still trying to understand exactly how it works. We do know that self-replication is a big part of it, however, so the Headlines Archive might start expanding on its own, which would mean that not all of these stories would actually be written (or at least approved) by Ian Vandewalker. This could be illuminating, of course, since it might provide a glimpse into the internal workings of an AI to see what kind of fake news stories it thinks are funny. Of course, if the self-replication program mutates and begins to affect particles other than airborne nitrogen molecules, the entire planet and everyone on it will be turned into the Headlines Archive in a weird twist on the Grey Goo Problem. This situation, too, brings up interesting questions of whether something is still a joke if there's no one around to appreciate it. If the universe itself constitutes the joke, can it be "got?" What if the whole universe is already a joke? Can humans, as limited and constituent parts of that joke, get it? Heck, these jokes are so funny, most people won't get them anyway. Read on:
The WFHB Arts and Entertainment Calendar for 1/18
Grand Inquisitor Thomas Torquemada likely to be confirmed as U.S. Attorney General (1/7/2005)
What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? . . . a good start! (12/21)
Speaking words of wisdom, "Let it cheese." The Virgin (not Kant) shows up again (11/17)
Election 2004: I'm seriously really upset about this. (11/3)
Swift Boat Veterans for Norwegian Art Theft finally get what they came for. (8/22)
So now you're back. From outer space. (8/18)
More Bush Bashing! More! (3/7)
Our 50th episode! It only took five years! Where am I?! (2/27)
Democratic pre-primary update (12/16)
Gosh, time really flies between Headlines sometimes! Whew! (12/4)
Publishing, entertainment, political advocacy (10/8)
Dear God, am I still wasting time on this crap? (9/24)
.sdrawkcab si ecnetnes sihT ...Or is it? (9/14)
What the--?! New Headlines? Now? Here?! (9/9)
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! (8/26)
A new mystery for KrinklyFans to ponder! Tune in next week for the solution! (8/10)
A bold new way of thinking about educational toys: Philosophical Powers! (7/10)
Aww yeah, Headlines in tha hizouse! K-man represent; what! (6/5)
New, less-than-thrilling Headlines (you can't say I didn't warn you) (5/30)
Headlines: Back and Badder than Everrr! (5/8)
Ever wonder why you park in a driveway and drive on the parkway? (4/9)
These Headlines are really funny. (2/5/03)
The last, and weirdest, day of the year (12/31)
Headlines from a bright new land of opportunity: the Midwest
Headlines totally devoid of factual information (8/14)
The U.S. Congress wants to take away your rights--and other libertarian propaganda (6/27)
Headlines: Now More Than Ever (1/25)
First Headlines of the New Year! (1/5/2002)
Gevity HR Employee of the Month, October, 2000
Headlines about My Website! (11/10)
Headlines Written at the Office! (10/16)
Non-Holiday-Themed Headlines from La Terra del Lagos. (12/19)
Thanksgiving Headlines from Lakeland. (11/26)
Special 2000 Election Coverage and Commentary!
Sports Update (And Other News)
Okay, Okay, I Did It Again. Oops. (9/29)
Back-to-School Headlines--Written by a 21-Year-Old. (8/31)
Special Supplementary Science Section
Headlines written in HTML! (7/1)
Headlines from Lakeland! (6/2)
Headlines, gecher Headlines! (4/30)
Headlines Numero Dos.
The first ever Headlines.