Cowboy president inspired by humor website
President Bush has cited feminazi-manhater Ian Vandewalker’s satirical website as justification for the way he has dealt with the September 11th terrorist attacks. Bush claimed to be inspired by the “Wild West Desert Country” theme, adopted in response to Vandewalker’s recent move west to Tucson, Arizona. Many of Bush’s speeches since the attacks have utilized metaphors and language from the Old West. Examples include, “We’ve got to circle up the wagons and protect our nation from terrorism;” “Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists;” “We’re gonna go into Ashpanistan with our six-guns a-blazin;’” “The only good terrorist is a dead terrorist;” and of course; “This will be a monumental struggle of good versus evil.” Political analysts across the world have wondered about the connection between this imagery and the hilarious new hompage of Ian’s Website for weeks. Bush finally answered their unspoken questions this week when administration officials said in a press conference that the president feels a “deep connection” with the Wild West Desert Country version of the popular comedy website. “He was touched by the change, and has found Mr. Vandewalker’s words a beacon of guidance in his decision making and speech writing since September 11th,” said National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. President Bush is, of course, from Texas, which may also be a factor in his choice of language with which to address the nation.
Rice also commented on the connection between the Wild West theme and the CIA’s recent decision to put a bounty on al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s head. U.S. policy has barred assassination since 1976--the last time a surge in Wild West awareness was experienced--but in light of President Bush’s recent commitment to a cowboy image, the CIA has decided to hint at a large monetary reward for capturing or killing bin Laden. The U.S. State Department had already offered a $5 million reward for information leading to bin Laden’s arrest and conviction, a legal and arguably ethical move. The CIA has upped the ante, however. A senior intelligence official was quoted as saying, “I’m sure if someone were to deliver to us evidence of his timely demise, we’d find a way to demonstrate our gratitude.” The official indicated that the bounty might exceed the State Department’s $5 million offer. The official also unveiled posters which are to be placed in general stores and saloons throughout the U.S. and Pakistan. The posters read, “WANTED: Dead or Alive--Preferably Dead: Osama bin Laden or anybody who can pass for him to act as a scapegoat for unfocused American rage.” Any reporters who uttered phrases like “due process” and “innocent until proven guilty” in their questions were dragged out of the room and interrogated by deputies of the newly re-assembled Un-American Activities Committee.
Commenting on the fact that the federal government might be using his website as justification for its response to the September 11th attacks, Vandewalker said, “I’m just happy to be doing my part for America. I haven’t been able to find one of those little plastic American flags to put on my car--the stores are all out--so I’m happy that I can do something for our country, however small. God bless America! God don’t bless whoever it is we’re at war with!”
How about Florida?
Florida has certainly has its share of the spotlight lately. Still smarting from letting the nation down in our recent presidential “election” and stinging editorial comments like “Flori-duh,” the Sunshine State has really been getting its fifteen minutes of infamy in the wake of the September 11th attacks. Almost all of the extremists who were actually on the planes involved had lived in Delray Beach, Florida, and some had trained at a flight school in Venice, Florida. Now we have an anthrax scare that’s sending crazies to the army surplus stores for gas masks--and where does that go down? Boca Raton, Florida. Comparisons with the body part that Florida most resembles have never seemed more appropriate. What’s next?
Local girlfriend “makes food all the time”
Red-hot produce manager Jessica Willis has been busy lately. In the kitchen. Making food. For her boyfriend, Ian Vandewalker. Vandewalker’s status as a good liberal is in serious danger in light of his enforcement of traditional gender norms. Guests and roommates are often shocked by his outbursts of “Is dinner ready yet?” “Where’s my dinner?!” and “Dinner is a meal that I’d like to be eating right now, but can’t because it hasn’t been made yet by my girlfriend!!”
Vandewalker questioned by Un-American Activities Committee
In light of his recent publication of a satirical piece about responses to September 11th, commie pinko Ian Vandewalker has been detained and thoroughly beaten by individuals acting under direct orders from the congressional committee devoted to weeding out anyone who doesn’t own a little plastic American flag. Friends and relatives are doubly shocked by the fact that the individuals detaining, interrogating, and torturing Vandewalker are alleged to be his own friends and family.
Headlines Home