The Bush administration's one-time number-one hit song "Weapons of Mass Destruction" has tumbled dramatically on the poli-pop charts in recent weeks. Industry insiders attribute the public's lack of interest in the song almost entirely to the complete nonexistence of the song's subject matter, Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. According to music critic Ytsa "Red" Herring, "Just think if you wrote a song about, like a big, yellow submarine or a magical dragon that lives at the beach and there turned out to be no such thing. People wouldn't care about that song. People want songs that are real, songs that are about existing objects. That's why "Iraqi Civilian Deaths" has done so well. It's the undeniable reality of the subject matter that makes for a compelling poli-pop tune. Also, that catchy steel drum melody is simply brilliant." Other analysts point to the relative lack of support that the administration is giving the song in its media presence. Critic Watta Crock says, "Not long ago, you could hear the chorus, 'Look out! He's got those weapons of mass destruction/Oooh, Saddam, give up those weapons of mass destruction,' every time anybody from the Bush administration or the news media opened his or her mouth. Now the media machine has moved on to that whiny song about tax cuts, 'They Will Help the Economy (Never Mind the Deficit and Military Spending),' which is poorly thought out material, to say the least. If they're not constantly reminded of a song, the public simply forgets about it." Apparently, it's a good thing that the American public (and perhaps the Bush administration) has simply forgotten about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, because, as it turns out, they were afraid of something that never existed.
Inspired by the success of funk-based products from Bootszilla to Wendy’s Spicy Pho Burger to the Nerf Funktastic Funkpaddle Ball Ultra-Game, Pepsico has announced a new drink, Funky Water. The company apparently researched many options for its newest beverage before settling on the enhanced water paradigm, including “Sierra Mist Remix,” which had to be scrapped due to Coca-Cola’s release of a similar product. Funky Water was described by Pepsi spokesperson Josie Packard as “water, infused with a sense of urban culture and the ironic pseudo-ennui of the postmodern condition.” Pepsi’s multi-million dollar advertising campaign has taken its self-conscious Zen/extreme sports/Britney image to its natural conclusion, featuring an undead Richard Nixon standing motionless on a skateboard wearing a blue shirt, but the campaign has had difficulty avoiding the obvious truth that Funky Water is nothing more than water that smells bad.
People who don’t know the severe amount of stress and hard work involved in maintaining a consistently hilarious website are selfishly clamoring to be entertained more and more often in our current, high-tech, information based technology, according to a new report by a Manhattan-based report-manufacturing firm. The average consumer of Internet-based info-tainment simply does not understand the amount of work that goes into planning, executing, and re-executing a comedy website. These ignorant, ungrateful proles are like animals who get a little taste of blood and then want more and more blood to eat, or even want to move on to eating other things with blood in them, like organs or raw meat or something.
