Iraqi character actor Saddam Hussein, who appeared in Hot Shots Part Deux, The Big Lebowski, and South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, was captured this weekend near Tikrit. The actor had fallen on hard times, living as a fugitive since he was fired by the Iraqi casting agency for which he worked. The casting agency was taken over by American military forces because of President Bush's suspicion that American casting agencies and movie studios might make more money after such a takeover. Bush has been proved correct in the months since the takeover, especially in the case of the Texas-based movie distributor, Halliburton, which has made a lot of money. Saddam's future is still unclear, but entertainment insiders are already speculating that this capture may be the beginning of a new stage in the actor's career. The enormous success of his television appearance as a dazed and disheveled medical patient has lead some to think that a switch to the small screen is in Saddam's future.
Appearing covered in blood in an interview at his home, Ian Vandewalker announced that he has decided to eat meat again after almost six years as a hippie pinko bunnyhugging politically correct bleeding-heart liberal vegetarian faggot. Footage from the taped interview with Matt Lauer shows Vandewalker wearing several fur coats, washing his car with veal cutlets while leaving the water running, calling migrant workers 'lazy,' and feeding plastic shopping bags to sea turtles. An excerpt of the interview follows.
MATT: What made you stop thinking that animals deserve not to suffer?
IAN: Oh, I still think participating in the suffering of animals is wrong, I just don't care anymore. Did you know that some flavors of Doritos have animal products in them? I mean, who wants to not be able to eat Doritos because of some touchy-feely "principle" about the suffering of animals? It doesn't make sense.
MATT: Why are you covered in blood?
IAN: I kill and butcher some of my own food now. This morning I had fried baby seals' legs with a condor egg omelet. I also killed some squirrels and a rhododendron bush. And I love to eat at McDonald's.
MATT: You eat squirrel meat?
IAN: No, I killed them because they were freeloaders.
Ambassador Carol Moseley Braun needs to Moseley on back home. She needs to put on her flannel shirt and go back to selling paper towels. Go make some electric razors, don't run for president. We don't need to sing no Christmas Carols in the White House. Your chances of winning are dead and buried in a Moseley-um.
General Wesley Clark (Ret.) needs to get out of the phone booth... you're a general, not Clark Kent! Take the last train to Clarkesville, 'cause you can't get a ticket to Washington. Just like that kid on Star Trek, Wesley Crusher, you're never gonna be captain of the Enterprise. Keep watching that show about the Wes Wing, because you're never gonna be living in it.
Governor Howard Dean, you need to get back to making sausages, you old Howard the Duck, asking Howard we doing--Howard you gonna be president? I heard you made the Dean's list of people who are never gonna be president. Don't Dean-y it, you're a loser! Try to buy public office with some Iraqi Dean-ars, 'cause you're never gonna get elected.
Senator John Edwards--go get Vincent Price to put your hands on, you old Edwards Scissorhands. Edwards said words, but nobody heard him. The John is where the toilet is, not the president! When Johnny comes marching home, he'll still be a loser! You're trying to John Woo the voters, but they're not going for it. You're all yellow from John-dice. The Gospel according to John says you're never gonna be president.
Congressman Dick Gephardt... uh... don't be a Dick.
Senator John Kerry needs to stop being played by Sissy Spasek, cause John Travolta's gonna pour a bucket of blood on him. He can't Kerry the election, no way. The voters won't be able to identify you, like the guy in the morgue called John Doe, except you're John Don't (run for president). Like Kansas said, your charade is the event of the season, so Kerry yourself on home, my wayward son.
Congressman Dennis Kucinich, you dumb old comic strip character that hasn't aged in fifty years and isn't funny, go bother Mister Wilson and leave the electorate alone. I bet you wish you were like Popeye and could get strong from eating spuspinach. You need a haircut like Cousin It. Go a head and scratch your Kucinich, because you're never gonna get to scratch that president itch!
Senator Joe Lieberman--look out for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, Glass Joe. Mistah Lieberman... shaba! Instead of Shoeless Joe, you're gonna be voteless Joe. Joe momma told you not to run for president. Joe ho ho, merry Christmas, here's your present: last place. Everybody laughs at you 'cause you're a Joe-k. Are you gonna to run on a platform to legalize incest, Joe-casta?
Reverend Al Sharpton--you can call him Al, 'cause you're not gonna be calling him Mister President! He's like 2,000 pounds of needles. Go get some markers and write your concession speech, Sharpie. Al of the other candidates can get more votes than this joker, he needs to go get his stomach stapled like Al Roker. I saw a show on Al Jazira about how you're never gonna to be president. I did some Al-gebra calculations and they said you're never gonna be president. Your candidacy is very Al-truistic because you make Al the other candidates look good!