Headlines written in real HTML!

Here comes the rain again

As if in direct answer to Central Florida's worst drought since 1915, when the records started being kept, rain has been soaking Polk County every day for weeks now. It consistently rains at midday (Ian's lunch hour) and from around 4 or 5 to 7 or 8 (when Ian is driving home). Wetness experts say much more rain is needed to save the area from vast vegetation extinctions and blazing wildfires.

Vandewalker finally teaching self HTML

After having a very popular and entertaining Website for many months, noted ickthiologist Ian Vandewalker has finally picked up Larry Aronson's HTML3 Manual of Style and realized it ain't that hard. Asked whether Ian's Website would be written in real HTML by his own hand from now on, Vandewalker responded, "Well, having a really bitchin' website like mine takes a lot of work. We have technicians monitoring radicality levels 'round the clock. I can't possibly do all the work, I'm only one very smart, very good-looking, very funny guy. It's like asking Ronald McDonald to make all the McBurgers, or something."

Phineas still cute

Dispite a poor performance in the polls compared to GOP candidate Greorge W. Bush, Phineas is still very cute in the eyes of the electorate, President Bill Clinton said in a Rose Garden press conference this week.

Wagon back in commision

Exciting news for all the neighborhood kids who love to get rides to Taco Bell from world-famous diamond-cutter Ian Vandewalker: The Wagon is back from the shop, and she looks better than ever! With new paneling all over and a new rear bumper, the Vandemobile is a little, red, shining beacon of hope on the road. Die-hard fans may be disappointed by the fact that the Subgenius and Magic of Orlando bumber stickers went the way of the dodo when the mechanic got his greasy but able hands on the Wagon, but Driving Commisioner Vandewalker says, "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke." When asked if he would put that sticker on the shiny new bumper, Vandewalker slyly replied with a wink, "Act like a dumbs**t and they'll treat you as an equal." Dubious at the prospects of getting Vandewalker to use something from a Magic of Orlando bumper sticker as a catchy quote, reporters stopped questioning the tall, thin, 'Net entrepreneur. As the press conference drew to a close, Vandewalker predictably began shouting, "Believe!" over and over again.

Writing HTML at home "a lot easier" than going to Lakeland Public Library to use Geocities PageBuilder

Bush to execute prisoners personally

Texas govenor George W. Bush, whose eagerness to use the death penalty has become a campaign issue in the presidential election, announced late yesterday that he will personally be carrying out all Texas executions for the remainder of his term. The killings will become public, to be carried out in a large arena and broadcast on Pay-Per-View. The method of life-stealing will be decided for each execution by a Viewer Poll conducted on the Internet. Possibilities for the next scheduled bloodbath include: several shots from Bush's six-guns (shot from the hip); gettin' drug through town behind Bush's trusty steed, Hellfire; suffocation by watermelon; and roasting over an open fire like smores. "It's time this state took a tough stance on crime," Bush said. "From now on, if you're charged with a crime in the very big state of Texas, you will be killed by me, dammit. We figure we can line up enough dirty, evil criminals to do this five nights a week until November."

Store offers doughnuts for blood

Dunkin' Donuts is working with local blood centers through August to give area residents another incentive to donate blood. Visit any Dunkin' Donuts in Polk County to get a coupon to take to Citrus Regional Blood Center or Blood Banks of Mid-Florida Medical Centers. The coupon is validated when people register to donate blood. Take it back to the store to get a dozen doughnuts for free.

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