Cassidy had been released after few days from the medical area, but advised to stay off her feet when she could manage it. And so it was that Garrett was helping her up to her room.
"How do you feel? Are you sure you don't need me to carry you?"
"I'm okay, promise," she told him, watching her feet for fear they'd betray her and stop supporting her weight.
"Alright..."
"Garrett.... did they tell you? That I can't...?"
"Yeah..."
"I'm sorry." Cass swallowed, glad suddenly that she had to watch her feet.
"Cassidy, do not blame yourself.
"But..."
"But nothing. It's my fault."
"It's not."
"It is."
"No, Garrett..."
"Who asked you to do this, Cassidy?"
"Because we had to, because you felt we had to."
"I'm sorry."
"No... don't be... this hurts you too."
"But it hurts you...and I never wanted to do that."
"Garrett, I'll live. You wanted a baby too..."
"Yeah."
"I'm so sorry..." She sensed the tears coming again and tried to stop them.
"Cassidy no. Dont apologize...you didn't do anything."
She looked up, one of the tears falling. Knowing that she couldn't stop them now... wondering if after everything she'd handled, this would be the end of her.
"I'm sorry baby..."
"No, don't be." She stopped walking and gave him a hug.
He held her tightly. "I love you."
"I love you too. And I'm sorry we can't have a baby..."
"Don't apologize."
They were almost to her room now, but Cassidy rather carelessly took a step and fell.
Garrett lifted her immediately into his arms. "I wish you'd have just let me carry you."
"You can carry me now," she offered.
"I'm not asking."
She kissed his face softly.
"I love you Cassidy."
"I love you Garrett..." She paused. God, this would be hard, but he deserved... "Garrett, if you want to have a baby with someone else... I'd understand, and we could still raise it and..."
"Cassidy no. I don't want children unless it's with you."
"I want you to have them..."
"No. Only with you."
Cassidy softly kissed him again and then closed her eyes.
"Rest angel."
"I'm hardly an angel, Garrett."
"You are."
"I won't be able to sleep..."
"You can."
"I'll try..."
"Good. I'll stay right here."
Cassidy reached out for his hand as he gently placed her on the bed.
He lay next to her. "Goodnight love."
"Goodnight, Garrett..." She yawned
once and quickly fell asleep.
~*~*~
Cassidy woke up to find Cal
was already there and Garrett had gotten up,
though he'd left her a note carefully tucked under a flower on the nightstand.
"Hi," Cass greeted.
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
"Not so horrible anymore. I get tired a little more often, but they're
saying it's recovering from the loss of blood."
"So everything will be okay soon?"
"I'm recovering, yeah..."
"Good."
"I can't have children, Cal. We're never
going to have a baby... I can't ever give Garrett
a baby."
"I'm so sorry..."
"And he's blaming himself, and it's not his fault, it's mine, and..."
"How is it your fault?"
"I'm the one that can't... that can't..."
"Thats not your fault."
"But... I don't see how it can not be."
"How can it be?! Did you do anything wrong?"
"I don't know..."
"No. You didn't."
"Does being pregnant with another man's baby count?"
"No."
Cassidy wasn't so sure. "Well maybe
it does."
"No."
"It wasn't right to him."
"How?! You hated him then!"
"But..."
"But what?"
"I don't think I ever hated him as much as I tried to."
"It's still not your fault."
"I guess... but God, Cal, I finally find a
man I want to have a family with and now we can't..."
"You don't know that. You're Cass, when has being told
something was impossible stopped you?"
"This is different," she said quietly.
"No it's not."
"You wouldn't know," she said rather sharply. Perhaps it was selfish
of her, but she was struggling too hard to grasp this to let someone - anyone -
feed her false hope.
"Right."
"I'm having too much trouble dealing with this to let you get my spirits
up for nothing, okay?"
"Okay."
"I wanted a baby... I told Garrett - I told
him if he wanted to have a baby with someone else, I'd understand, and we could
still raise it. He said no."
"He only wanted your baby."
"Honest to God, Cal, I'm starting to not
care whose baby it is, I just want one."
"I know..."
"What is this, my price for being a whore when I was away from him? A sick
joke?!?"
"No. Its not, Cassidy."
"God knows I don't know what the fuck it is!" She yelled, getting to
her feet.
"Cassidy calm down."
"Calm down?!? This was our future together, mine and his. We were going to
have a family..."
Garrett knocked on the door.
"I've *never* had a family, not once in the time I can remember, and God
help me for wanting something of my own!"
Cass stopped as she heard the knock. "It's not
locked," she called, still on her feet.
Garrett walked inside. "Cal,
you can go."
Cal
left quickly.
Cassidy still stood there, looking at him.
"Honey come here?" He asked softly.
She did so, going to stand by him. "I'm sorry if I interrupted
something..."
He hugged her tightly. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah..."
"You're not. I heard you."
"I'm upset, Garrett, is all. I wanted to
have your baby... I wanted a family..."
"I know you did. We'll think of something."
"What do you mean? It seems fairly clear-cut, I can't."
"There's always something."
"You want to try anyway."
"Yes, and other thing..."
"Mm?"
"Well I'm going to have doctors try and see if they can find the reason,
or if they can fix it."
She softly kissed his cheek. "I'm just afraid we're going to wind up disappointed.
"Why not try and be optimistic?"
"Because that's not how I work."
"Just like you don't love or marry right?"
"That's not exactly the same thing." She paused. "If... if
eventually nothing works... do you want to adopt?"
"We could do that, yes."
She smiled at him: the first real one in a long time.
"See it'll be okay."
"I'm not going that far."
"It will."
Cassidy felt somewhat... less, somehow, because she couldn't have his children
- at least not without help - but she said nothing, simply nodded.
"Cassidy...trust me."
"I guess... I just feel... sort of embarrassed about it, I guess."
"Don't."
"It's not really a conscious thing, Garrett."
"Try not to."
She simply nodded.
He hugged her tightly. "I want to kiss you."
"Then kiss me."
He did so.
~*~*~
James walked into the room, picked her up, and
whirled her around. "Hey, beautiful."
Cal
squeezed her eyes shut. "Don't do that, I haven't felt well."
He put her down. "What's wrong?"
"I'm just nauseous is all."
"Did you have it checked out?"
"No, it'll go away...it's just a flu or something..."
"No, you should have it checked out. The medical people are great, I
promise."
"It's fine."
"I'd feel better if you did."
"Fine."
"Thanks. Come on, I'll go with you."
"Okay let's go."
~*~*~
The doctor looked at them. "Well congratulations, you're pregnant."
She told what she thought was the happy couple.
Cal
blinked at the doctor. Then she looked at James
and blinked again. Then back to the doctor.
James kept his hands on Cal's
shoulders. "Thank you, ma'am," he told the doctor.
She smiled and left.
"No." Cal
stated.
"I'm sorry, beautiful..."
"Shit shit shit shit."
"It's okay..."
"How is this okay?"
"I still love you."
"Yeah lovely. Because that makes me unpregnant right?"
"I'm not going to leave you, and whatever you decide to do I'm going to
support."
"I'm not marrying you just because of this."
"I wasn't going to ask you to."
"Good."
"Because I don't think a shiny gold band makes a family."
"I didn't want a family."
"I know... But... unless you're going to have an abortion, we're going to
have one."
"No. I wont do that again."
"Yes you will." Garrett stated from the
doorway.
James gently squeezed her
shoulders. "It's okay," he whispered, knowing Garrett's
seeming omniscience unnerved him at least, and probably her.
"James, I need to talk to Johnson
alone."
"Boss"
"Walker.
Go."
James kissed her cheek and then left.
"You're getting rid of this child," Garrett
told her simply, entering the room.
"No. I'm not."
"How do you think your friend is going to react to this?" Garrett
hissed. "You don't even *want* a child."
"I don't know."
"You don't. Not how she does. And you're not going to hurt her for the
sake of your little accident."
"I can't kill my child."
"Don't think of it as a child."
"It is a child."
"And what happens when your only friend bursts into tears at your *happy*
news?"
"I don't know!"
"Think about it. Think about what happens as you get closer to delivery
and she finds out she's never going to have a child. Think about what happens
when you're raising a little person and she's trying to pretend it doesn't
bother her that she's reminded every day that she can't have that. That she
can't have a family. The one thing she's wanted in her life, didn't she
say?"
"SHUT UP!"
"You're going to get rid of this child."
"NO!"
"You are. Because you don't really want it, you're not ready to raise a
child. And because it'll destroy her if you don't."
"You'll have to kill me first.
"We'll see."
"I'm serious."
"So am I." He replied. "Let's make something clear, Agent. No
one will hurt Cassidy. That includes you."
"Fine."
Garrett turned to leave.
"Does that mean you too?"
"Excuse me?"
"Will you keep from hurting her?"
"Of course."
"Bull."
"Excuse me?" His expression was dark.
"You heard me."
"And what exactly do you mean by that, Agent?"
"I mean that if anyone will hurt Cass it's you."
"That was out of line, and you should be damn grateful I don't fire a
round through your head."
"Do it."
He drew his pistol, holding it in his hand a moment. "Don't tempt
me." With that, he turned and left.
~*~
James reentered the room almost the instant he
left. "Are you okay??" He asked.
"Garrett wants me to get rid of it."
"The baby?"
"Yeah."
"Are you... are you going to?"
"No."
"I'd imagine that didn't make him happy."
Nope."
James gave her a hug. "I know we didn't
expect this... but it could be nice."
"I wont kill it."
"I know..."
"I told him that he'd have to kill me first."
"And?"
"And he said that that could be arranged because this would hurt Cass..."
"They've still got options, Cass is reasonable, she's not
going to be angry with you..."
"It'll hurt her though."
"He's the one that did this to her," James
replied. "He already has hurt her."
"That's what I said. He didn't like that."
James hugged her close. "He won't hurt
you... he wouldn't. That'd upset Cass too."
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