Ok if you have found this part you were either told it was here, really smart and found it, but i think the biggest reason would be is that you were bored and moved the cursor along the screen to pass idle time. Ok umm this is kinda whats been going through my head for the past year or two so, umm to most of you this will be a shock to you, and as there wont be many seeing this it will kinda reveal the real manda and stuph, not the happy cheerful manda you are all used to. so yeah read and be freaked out or just read and enjoy either way just read it and yeah..... Death, something i have known, death, something i have longed for. an escape from this place, this place some call bliss.... home. no one understands me, no one knows my pain, being abandoned by the one you love so much....left.....all alone. loneliness isnt so bad, it gives me time to think...to dwell on what might have been. it also allows me to examine others, how death has affected them and to pick at their faults. some just move one, others become obsessive, it has so many different reactions. its rather amusing in a sick way, how others react, to watch them try to make conversation, and watch them cry as you burn with anger inside. all you want is to be left alone, all you need is to your space.....when you know that what you really need is someone to be there just for you, which is something i never had; someone to share my feeling with, someone to hold me in their arms as i cried, even just to lsiten to my point of view. but instead i closed everyone off and shut myself down. i was an emotionless shell.....only, functioning physically. after 9 months, of course, this had taken its toll, i was diagnosed with depression, why it took them so long to realise, never ceases to amaze. where it became hard to leave the house without having a panic atack, where conversing with anyone was a chore and a simple smile was torture. most were surprised i was still alive. as much as i hated it counselling was probably the best thing for me. also talking to some people online, that i could relate to. once 'cured' i began to rebuild my life. instead of creating a life where the people were around me i made one online. not that this was entirely a bad thing, but now i am still alone, surrounded by thoughts of, once again, what might have been, unable to cry as the tears burn, unable to show emotion, a vesel an entity with no soul an empty body physically functioning correctly, metally out of order. how i long for release, how i long for an escape, how i long for death.... I have been beginning to wonder why i just dont end it all now. its not like i have anything to live for, i have no life and my family dont really care about me, i have no friends, because the ones that i was originally friends with have abandoned me or just dont care. i realised that even though i wish for death so much, i cannt bring myself to actually kill myself, i am not that strong a person. i have everyone fooled into believeing i am making it through this, but im not. i lied my way out of everything, i dont tell people how i really feel, and this section in my page is about as close to the real me as you will get. my life is pointless i hate being alive, but i dont have the stregnth or courage to end it. i admire those who do successfully end their lives, they have, well had rather, courage and stregnth and balls that i will never possess.  maybe if i become reckless enough i will do it to myself on accident. it doesnt matter anymore, i know that i will be here in this life for a while longer, my time will come. until then though i am to live in this so called depression. wqasting my time here as another body moving randomly around with no real reason to be here, to breed and pass on my parents genes to keep the so called species alive, whats the point we are killing everything in site and slowly destroying ourselves til the day where we either inhabbit another place or we slowly die off, mutated to become some other race. i fear death now. it has taken so much from me and has destroyed my life, death is the only certainty in life. once again i am alone and confused. treating this section of my page more like a diary than anything else. but it doesnt matter i dont expect many people to see this section anyway. i am beginning to believe that this so called depression that so many people are being diagnosed with is just the realisation of life in its true form, i am sick of poeple that look at everything as if they are wearing rose coloured glasses, but, i guess not everyone can be aware of what is really going on, as they destroy the environment, kill so many animals, and destroy everything that is known to mankind. they are happy just to live in this place destroying everything in their path. whats the point i am begging to believe that there is no escape from this. that you are 'reincarnated' or whatever into another body with the same intellect and such as before, but into another body, but hey what do i know, i am just another manic depressant, i dont know anything. but as i say this is my page and i cant do whatever i want to it so i have been. no doubt there will be more depressive things added in here. so until next time, enjoy life more than i ever will, smile, cause it doesnt hurt you, and think next time you do something that might make us slowly die. I have a theory, well one of many actually, but for the time being i will stick to this one. This one is about being drunk, which im sure most have been at least once and will be again. i believe that when people are drunk their true character is shown. The person that you cant be, that the alcohol removes all the barriers to the real person you are. some people become depressive, some become loud and uncontrollable, others become aggressive etc. i believe that these truly are the real form of people, released with nothing to worry about, carefree, where they dont have to live upto the social expectations of others. but as i say this is only a theory. and i know youre thinking 'well manda you said yes to fucker when you were drunk, she really wanted to go out with him' ive been thinking about this and again i know why i did it. i said yes to the recogonition and the acceptance. no one really knew me before this incident except anna, nicole, callum and eddie, but when he rocked up people started to know who i was. they actually knew i existed. before long all the regulars knew me and said hello, it was the acceptance i craved more than anything. i didnt care for him, i just wanted people to know me and accept me for who i was, and for them to pay attention to me when i 'talked'. but now i dont care if i am accepted or not. my true friends online are the only ones that matter to me, and they know who they are. everyone else is just there, they know my name, and thats about it. so once again this is only a theory, i have no actual evidence to base this on, but i am hoping that some people will agree with me to some extent. once again i will be back when i have something to type but for now i dont. I think what mainly possessed me to make this page is that all the times people werent there for me, i would help them and not recieve anything from them in return, i mean not that i expect anything but would be nice if there was someone there for me when i needed to talk, when my closer chat friends werent online. i mean this is where i spill everything out, what has been burning inside for all this time, and what i cant say to people. tis kinda my personal diary of sorts, but ive made it more public. i dont do the whole diary thing, i honestly dont see the point. i am treating this page like a journal and in years to come i will look back on this either with pride or shame. however i look at it, this is my thoughts and feelings and theorys all exposed. when i couldnt even tell the people face to face what the problem was. i would brush it off and say i was fun. put on a mask, or as shakespeare said 'false face must hide what the false heart doth know'. everything i am online is a front the only true me comes out when i have the courage to reveal it. its kinda amusing to watch or read rather how people react to it, some dont believe that its me, that it is some kind of stage i am going through that i will grow out of. i pity those that dont believe me i really do. i can be anything online, i could be a self obsessed super model, but i have chosen a mask that is more believeable, one that people can relate to, and in a way i am sad that i have had to do that to get people to talk to me. if they truly are friends they would accept me for who i am. but most dont, but can i blame them?? how does mike say it?? 'its just net' maybe he is right, but this is all i have, and i will treasure it until i change, and actually get the courage to build myself a real life, not just online.

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