Thee News and Reviews

11/22 --Lyrics to My Girlfriend is a Pirate now on the lyrics page, and new merch available on Merch page!

11/15 --Read the mid tour interview with Crucial Agony!

Crucial Agony on tour in support of Narcoleprosy!
Crucial Agony goes on the road Halloween night as a supporting act for ASOCKINMYDESSERT and BVD Nation on the "We are Better Than Us" Tour. This will be Crucial Agony's first full US Tour, and they will be promoting their new album Narcoleprosy. For a full list of tour dates, visit the Dark Futures site! Don't miss the show!

10/25 --Malady, Crucial Agony's mistress of the guitar, has been rabidly expanding her musical horizons, and causing many to endure painful vaccinations in the process. While she still lends her musical antagonism to CA, she has been hard at work destroying every empty shoebox in the studio and putting together her new electro soloproject 5th Avenue Poodle. This newest artistic blasphemy features Malady at her sadistic best, playing her three string guitar with a metal spork and blasting away on her naugahyde bagpipes. Her album, aptly titled "Remains of You in My Blender" pushes the limits and perceptions of what is considered electro, as well as what can be considered music. Many of the tracks have a noise-core kind of quality, due to heavy sampling of various kitchen appliances. "Such...pain, and intense suffering. Someone pull the fork out of my ear." says UrineBurn Mag music critic Obstamfus Blackbladder of Malady's solo effort. The album is due out in time for christmasand will be available on the Dark Futures website.

Vertiginy and Jon (former member of Crucial Agony) have turned out both an album and an EP for their soloproject. Guest appearances on the album include Perish (also former member of CA) with her heartrending Ny-quill gargling, Andrew Eldritch sneering loudly, and Robert Smith coughing up hairballs. They are currently at work on a new album due out in time for duck mating season and hope to tour in support of it during hayfever season next year.

7/4 --When most people are watching fireworks, Crucial Agony spends their holiday microwaving CDs and styrofoam. What that has to do with anything is really not important. It seems, however, that Perish, the bondage-stage-girl has gone missing. She was last seen with her head in a large bucket of potato salad. The band members all have their opinions on her disappearance, but only Bhayne knew of her lifelong dream to become a nyquil taste-tester. He strongly believes that she left the band suddenly to pursue her own goals, especially after he found a note signed by her that said "I'm leaving you all to become a nyquil taste tester." Catastrophy and Malady think it's a hoax, and that she is actually disguised as a coatrack. In any case, the mystery has yet to be solved. Dialysis has stepped forward to fill the "torture" void in the stageshow, and is keeping his plans secret outside of one word. "Raisins." Malady reliquished percussion to dialysis, and now on top of her bagpipes she is taken up the legendary three string guitar.

6/17 --Bhayne and Romell from Razed in Black are embarking on a collaborative project called Excesspresso, a dance/noise side project that examines and probes into the effects of overcaffeinated musicians. There are some lyrics available to one of their songs on the lyrics page. It seems that Dark Futures is trying to recruit Crucial Agony as the opening band for ASOCK's upcoming tour with BVD Nation in the fall. Crucial Agony is deliberating this, as their new album is only half done...after 2 years. In any case, Crucial Agony with be doing a local tour with STUMP this august. Tour dates are listed below.

 Aug. 16

 The Nasty Porkchop,
Y-town, OH

 with Optional Breathing
 Aug. 18

 Club Enema, Pittsburgh , PA

 with The Walking Death Ghetto
 Aug. 20

 A Port-o-potty, Geneva, OH

-
 Aug. 21

 A large pot-hole off of
I -271, OH

 with The Viking Lesbian Road Crew
 Aug. 23

 The Rubber Sheep, Wheeling, W.VA

 with Sir Lucifer's Goat Choir
 Aug. 24

 Mervin's RoadsideVeggie Cart and Gun Shop, Middle of Kentucky

 with a bunch of drunk bastards whose names we hope to forget
 Aug. 25

 The Virtuous Weasel, Cinci, OH

 with Nosefamine, The Dangling Cankerous Limbs, and Spudge
 Aug. 26

House of Nothing, Columbus, OH

 with the S.O.M. cover band, ASS, and Haggiswipers
 Aug. 28

 The Smelly Finger, Dayton, OH

 with Molten Hamster
 Aug. 30

  Esther's Quilt-O-Rama and Bondage Haven, Toledo, OH

 with STEVE
 Aug. 31

 Gravehumpers, Detroit, MI

 with Spamatrocity, Hula Poop, Gun Packing kindergarten Cake-walkers, and Crusssst

6/2 --It is rumored that Crucial Agony may be opening for ASOCKINMYDESSERT on their "WE are better than US" tour this fall. Bhayne has not yet confirmed nor denied these rumors, as he has been playing hide and seek for two weeks now and no one has found him yet. Crucial Agony has been working on some new songs, kind-of, and has also adopted another new member - Dialysis. Dialysis is taking over as the official drummer so Malady can pursue her bagpiping more furiously. She still will do some custom percussion..with the bagpipes. Dialysis was an unknown until In Absentia discovered him tearing the tags off pillows at a Wal*Mart. Dialysis had his musical career severely hindered when his former band, "Anathenema", decided that making music kinda sucked cuz they kinda sucked and so they went into business making hand woven manhole covers out of dental floss...which consequently kinds sucked. Dialysis left the band, (which later got back together to play instruments made out of decoupage), and tried playing the club circuit. "It was hard to get a gig booked when you're the only one in the band and the only instrument you have is a binder clip". Dialysis mused about his past. But, he was a rebel to the end and tried time and time again to make music that would inspire people. He finally got some recognition in the club circuit with his one man art rock band "Rancid Jam". And now, he is a lofty member of Crucial Agony. Welcome Dialysis!

11/1 --While plans had been made for a complete US tour, they were once again thwarted by unforseen obstacles...this time by factors other than laziness and the fact that Bhayne was glued permanently to his PS2. Vertiginy had been acting rather odd for quite some time....which was usually a given, but her recurring bouts of playing chutes and ladders in a bathtub full of catsup had become rather excessive and alerted Malady and Bhayne that something was wrong. When confronted, Vertinginy spewed a long, heart -felt spiel about goats, and then announced that her toaster pastries were ablaze. John translated for her: She wanted to pursue her techno-polka-squaredancing side project AGHBLAEECHHH on her own. She felt stifled creatively and needed space. She still wanted to remain in the band for live shows, but only the local ones as a large scale touring schedule would cut into her work time. Bhayne was reluctant to lose such a vitally insane member of the group, but could not deny Vertinginy her creative space. He figured it would also cut down on the amount of stale waffles nailed to the studio wall. He let Vertinginy pursue her project, and John accompanied her. Crucial Agony had lost 2 integral members. This threw Bhayne into a downward spiral that caused him to become physically addicted to cheese curls. Malady tried desperately to break him of his habit, and ended up getting him hooked on pork rinds instead. After a hard battle with snack food dependency, Bhayne arose from his depression and got back on his feet. “ I didn’t even know he fell down” In Absentia was quoted as saying. A couple months later, the band encountered a promising young lady whose versatile talents would forever change the Laziest Goth/industrial band in Cleveland. While looking for bananas in the meat department at the local grocery store, In Absentia met Catastrophy who was doing a special in storemusical performance on two cheese graters and a pair of hot dog tongs. She brought Catastrophy to meet the rest of the band and before long, she was taken on as an official member. It seems that Catastrophy was a child prodigy, and was able to play various kitchen utensils from the age of 2. She is also a formidable bass player, although she prefers to play her instrument upside down. Crucial Agony is glad to have her aboard and will be featuring her talents on the next upcoming tour...whenever that is. Crucial Agony is releasing a CD with loads of new material.First of all, however, they will be releasing the Brady Bunch EP. this disc contains a special song written by the Mysterious Gothfather, including several dance mixes and unreleased older material. Lyrics to the EP’s title track will be available on the lyrics page. After In Absentia Cleans her room, booking for a full US tour will resume, hopefully this time without incident. Shows in the local area will feature Vertinginy and John onstage, as well as Catastrophy and Perish- who has a brand new cucumber torture device to debut during the yet unreleased “Food Bondage Song”.

5/1--Crucial Agony has been linked to the esteemed band page on Dark Cleveland! The 6 member band was overjoyed, but then realized someone might find out so they went back to being somber. Crucial Agony has just recently resurfaced after many months of stagnance, and are anxious to make music again becuase playing chinese checkers with conjoined mongoloid taxi drivers gets really boring after 5 months straight. Malady has made her own bagpipes out of naugahyde to replace those eaten by her bandmate Vertiginy. Perish has constructed a special item for live shows-- the cattle prod chorale division. Four extra people will be assembled onstage with the band, and Perish will zap them each with the cattle prod to produce vocals. Tour dates are being booked currently, so stay tuned!.

4/26--Crucial Agony has been hard at work doing absolutely nothing for months. Now that they are tired of playing videogames, clipping their toenails, tattooing random chihuahuas and collect new and strange kinds of tupperware mold in the fridge, they have decided to actually make their lives useful again. DARK FUTURES has commissioned them....well, more like demanded and threatened them to be a contributor to the Gothic Survivor Soundtrack. Their musical donation will be a cover of "I've Suffered Long Enough" by Hawaii's premier Industrial band, Razed In Black.

 Crucial Agony also plans to release some previously unrecorded material, and has mentioned the possibility of a full US tour called the "We were too lazy to tour last year TOUR". Crucial Agony was supposed to be booking dates for their Narcoleprosy tour last year, but Bhayne fell ill with a severe case of dwarves, Malady had chained herself to the bathtub and wouldn't tell anyone where the key to the padlock was, In Absentia forgot who she was, and Vertiginy was eaten Malady's bagpipes by accident.

Thusly, no tour. Please visit again soon as Cleveland laziest
underground goth/industrial band does more stuff....hopefully.

2/ 8/00 --Crucial Agony was signed to the Dark Futures label this past week. The band was extremely happy about this turn of events, but they still avoided smiling. Dark Futures also asked them to contribute to their "Snipers of POP" Goth/Industrial tribute to whiny annoying brats like Britney Spears, The Backstreet Boys, Ricky Martin, and many others. Crucial Agony decided to contribute their talents by doing a version of "I Want it That Way". They have also decided to announce the addition of a new band member, Perish , to their lineup. Perish will be more of an atmospheric addition, doing backing screams and getting tied to things to enhance the stage show.

Crucial Agony continues to make the rounds to the sleeziest, darkest venues in Ohio and other nearby areas. Inbetween shows, they go to the bathroom, and spend time recording a remix album titled Mangle With Care. Below is the current track listing for the eventual release:

Upcoming Shows

This is the artist formerly known as Chunky B, who as you can see is a very big fan of Crucial Agony. Recently he has decided to change the direction of his career and therefore has started a one man custom percussion group called STUMP. His style is characterized by the clanging of manhole covers, bedpans, urine specimen bottles and prosthetic limbs. STUMP has agreed to join Crucial Agony on their upcoming tour pending the new album's release. He has also lent a hand in the production of the new Narcoleprosy album. While he has yet to get his hand back, he doesn't really seem all that worried.

 

Click here to read the latest show review

Click here for an interview with the band

Crucial Agony would like to apologize to all its fans for wearing jeans in these photos. Our leather pants were at the cleaners. Sorry.

Review/Interview
by Pagan Fudgepus

I was fortunate enough to be present at the annual Cincinnati Gothic Showcase and Twinkie Bakeoff---Mopefest '99-a Night of Snivelry. I was also one of the lucky thirteen degenerates to enter, and as a result I received a box of black kleenex, autographed by none other than... Steve. Anyway,.... the black clad crowd was anxious. Mind you, the fashion police should have arrested half the audience for their tacky makeup jobs and Hot-Topic gear. For the record, let me say that my hair was blacker than anyone else's. And many Gothlings quivered at my impressive stature-due to my three foot velvet platforms.
Ahem...anyhow, the band lineup was impressive--seven bands, all underground, many local. From the Dark Futures label came Vertiginous Catatonia, Stapled Tongues, and Freshly Dead. The MorbidSpork label brought us Guillotine Confetti, and Disembowling by Sister's Cat (not to be confused with the well known Industrial band Dismembering My Sister's Cat). And, for the first time in two years, two unsigned local bands made an appearance--thusly giving them enough Goth points to not be virtually ignored in public. These bands were Lo, I Bleed From Every Orafice for Thee, and Crucial Agony.
The label bands put on a good show, propelling everyone into a mass frenzy of tears, nailbiting, excessive moaning and twinkie bondage. Lo, I Bleed... was a bit of a disappointment though. There was really no bleeding to speak of, and the lead singer kept smiling. Definitely a no-no.
Crucial Agony attracted many a fan that night, however. Despite their initial tech difficulties, they did very well. Bhayne was just rumbling out the first words to My Paine- when an unexpected blood spurt from John shorted out the sampler. There was a five minute delay while the hamster powered DAT was wheeled out, then it was back to the show.
The stage performance was engrossing. Between Malady's vicious bludgeoning of every object onstage, and In Absentia's key plunking and hip twitching, there was something for everyone.
Bhayne bellowed like a constipated Cookie Monster one minute, then sobbed like a puppy wounded by a steamshovel the next. John inspired the crowd with his angstful guitar playing--managing to break every string before he passed out from severe blood loss. Vertiginy ceased her strange sidestage contortions, and after dragging John offstage in her teeth, continued to play his guitar despite the complete lack of strings. The band performed each song with a flawless mastery. The highlights of the night were Spooky? , This Club Sucks, and Coffee House Vampire.

Crucial Agony closed with their malevolent instrumental masterpiece Fun With Impalement, a song punctuated by blood curdling screams, arrrghs, puncturing noises and samples of Ginsu knives being sharpened. The band came out for a brief bow afterward-noses in the air and covered with a profusion of black bandaids. I was able to get a brief interview with the band and their manager after their set.
  
P.--Excuse me, Christabel? Do you mind if I ask you a 
    few questions about the performance?
C.--Of COURSE I mind. You're wearing BLUE.
P.--Hmmm. Yeah...excuse me, Malady? great performance tonight.
M.--yes.thank you.thank you to all the antagonists in my life 
    who have brought me to this state of mental decay.
P.--You really get into your playing. Tell me, how many drumsticks 
    do you break during a show?
M.--at least 20 pairs.that's not counting the ones that 
    vertiginy gnaws on when i'm not looking.
P.--Wow. Really. How did you become such a formidable percussionist?
M.--i hit things a lot as a child.it was self defense against 
    the malicious onslaught of barbara streisand eight tracks that 
    i was forced to listen to when my mother used to lock me 
    in her shoe closet.worst of all,none of her shoes were black.
P.--Thanks again for your time, Malady.
M.--you say that now, but when you lie bleeding, half dead in the 
    gutter of some suburban street after having been mauled by 
    flesh eating squirrels set upon you by the sadistic old witch
    next door....who then will you thank?
P.--Thank you Malady.....Ah! In Absentia!
I.--Oh, like, hi!
P.--Great performance tonight. You played very well.
I.--Oh, thanks. I really like hitting the A key.Sometimes 
    I hit the C or D key. After enough practice, I bet I'll 
    get to hit the BLACK KEYS too!
P.--Is that so? I'll bet it takes a lot of rehearsal.
I.--Well, it's really hard to focus sometimes, ya know? 
    I gotta hit a key, and look cute, and make sure none of
    my glitter falls off, and then BREATHE on top of it all!!!
    Bhayne says I'm doing really well. He's been letting me push some 
    of the pretty buttons on the noisy box thingy too.
P.--Ah, here's Vertiginy....
V.--ARRRGARRRRRAAAGGHHHHH........
M.--Excuse me, she's due for her post show rabies shot. 
    She's not up for an interview right now.
P.--Ah, well.  .....Bhayne! Bhayne, can I get some comments 
    on your show tonight?
B.--Oh...I suppose I could set aside my own pain long enough to help
     you. Go ahead.
P.--It really takes talent to be the frontman of such a
    ...versatile band. How do you manage to keep everyone together?
B.--Usually with rope.
P.--I hear that in the next couple months, you'll be finishing work
    on a remix album of your previous music, and this will be available
    at shows.
B.--Yes..somewhere between the endless pining for lost loves, and those 
    voids of silence and shadow I have found the strength to further my
    artistic endeavors. The remix album...Mangle with Care, is made 
    more poignant by the grief which I have poured into it. It speaks
    to those whose hearts have been so carelessly flung into a dark
    oubliette, and to those whose dreams have been snuffed like so many
    flickering candles.
P.--I was wondering if you could expand on the theme of the bonus track,
    Spontaneous Crucifiction, which will be on the new disc. What 
    brought this song about?
B.--We were bored and we had a cross.
P.--...That's all?
B.--And some nails.
P.--Thank you Bhayne. Do you mind if I get a word in 
    with John before you go?
B.--I'm not sure he's entirely conscious....
J.--tell the bunnies to go away..away you bunnies.can i have 
    some pickles?i like blue.get out of my sandbox....vikings
    are in my pants...
P.--Yes, obviously. Thank you all again for your graciousness
    and time.
B.--Time...like life itself is so intangible. We will wither away
    to bones and dust...then nothing more shall remain.
M.--but first we must endure a lifetime of persecution 
    and senseless pain.
V.--M M M M M M M M M M. pain.
I.--Wow! I didn't even chip a nail! Does anyone have any gum?
J.--there's some plutonium flavored gum in the ear next to my
    flying couch......uuuuuugh.
M.--you guys drive me insane. Somebody get me some cloves.

 

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