I watched in silence as Alex approached the jukebox. He dropped in a couple of quarters and pressed a few numbers. I was surprised a few minutes later to hear Marc Anthony’s “I Need To Know.”
“I didn’t know this was even on my juke box,” I said over the music.
“Frankie just had it put in I’m betting. It’s pretty new,” he answered as he made his way towards me. “Now this is dancing,” he said, pulling me into his arms.
He moved our bodies with the music, the rhythm and pulse moving through me as we swayed. It was incredible and I had never felt like that nor danced like that before in my life.
As the song ended, Alex stepped back and looked at me.
“Well?” he asked.
“That’s not dancing,” I answered, sitting down because my knees were so weak.
“What? How can you say that? What was it then?” he demanded, staring at me.
“That was sex with our clothes on,” I said, fanning myself as I looked away from him.
“Excuse me?”
“That was sex with our clothes on. That doesn’t require talent or ability. That’s desire and physical attraction. Darlin’ you’ve got two left feet but you made that look damn good because it’s all about sex.”
“Are you saying I’m attractive?” he asked, kneeling in front of me.
“Do you need me to answer that question or haven’t you heard that answer enough from the rest of the world?” I countered, looking at him.
“It’s different to hear it from someone who has seen inside of you to your fear and your pain and who has given you hope that maybe the rest of your life won’t be filled with darkness,” he answered, quietly.
“You’re still asking for an answer that is worthless if you don’t believe it yourself. I could tell you you’re gorgeous and if you don’t believe it then it was a waste of my breath. I do though. You’re one of the handsomest men I’ve eve seen, Alex. The question is do you believe it?” I asked, lifting his chin so his brown eyes met my green.
“To yes would make me sound conceited though, wouldn’t it?” he countered.
“Yeah,” I answered, smiling. “Which is exactly the answer I was hoping for. Come on, tattooed wonder. You and I have a busy day tomorrow and we need our sleep,” I said, standing.
I reached out to take his hand but he jerked away as if afraid of me. I watched him in silence, his eyes filled with pain, his face contorted in anguish. Our light-hearted banter I disappeared in a matter of seconds to be replaced with his broken heart once again. What had triggered it so quickly?
“Riley use to call me her tattooed wonder,” he whispered, stepping back from me.
So that was it. I had given him a reminder of his pain, of the woman who had changed his life in love and death. He could remember her and hurt or he could forget and move forward. He hadn’t yet learned to balance them both. He still didn’t understand that he could remember her and still live.
Slowly, I took a few steps toward him still we stood face to face again.
“When I called you tattooed wonder what was your first thought? Your very first thought, Alex,” I asked.
“I thought about her smile and the way she use to tease me about the tattoos,” he answered. I could see the barest hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth as he thought of her.
“Then what?” I continued.
“Then I remembered I was never going to see that smile again or hear her tease me,” he said, looking away.
“But you have that memory. Those memories of a woman who smiled at you and teased you and made you feel wonderful. You’re going to let your pain over-shadow those beautiful memories?” I asked.
He stood silently staring into the darkness around us for a few moments. He was once again fighting the demons that haunted him. It was a struggle I still remembered all too well from losing Quin.
“Quin use to call me spider web,” I offered, grinning at the thought. “He said my hair was like a spider web, tangled and sticky. When he touched it he could never seem to let go,” I admitted.
“He was right,” Alex added quietly.
“He was in love,” I corrected. “That’s love. It’s finding all those funny little things and making them into something that you always remember with a smile. My hair is my curse.”
“It’s your blessing,” he shot back. “It draws people to you. He was right. Once you touch it you can’t seem to let go. It’s like touching the night. It’s beautiful and tangled and sticky,” he said, reaching out and slipping his hand into my hair. “Like a spider web.”
“And yet that memory only makes me love him all the more,” I answered, leaning into his touch. It had been so long since someone had wrapped himself in the feel of my hair.
“Are you still in love with him?” he asked, quietly.
“I’ll always be in love with him, Alex. He’ll always be my first real love, the man who woke my heart up. But he’s greatest gift to me was teaching me what it was to love so much so that when I lost him I could love like that again. I’ll always love him but I love just as much and just as strongly again,” I answered.
“Do you think I’ll be able to love like that again?”
“If you want to your heart will let you do anything. If gives you all the chances you need till you get it right, Alex. Till you love like you never thought you could possibly love.”
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