His tears continued, his sobs wracking his body as he shook on the cool ground, and I held him as he began to finally find his release.
“You broke my heart, Riley. Why, if you loved me so much, would you do that to me?” he sobbed.
I held him in my arms as he came to terms with the emotions that haunted the demons within him. They were what cause the nightmares, what broke his heart. He didn’t mourn her loss. He had known she was going to die. Her death he could accept. What he mourned was the loss of her heart; the loved he felt should have been his. He cried for the betrayal, for the confusion that was left behind in losing her.
“Why, Greer?” he whispered finally. “Why did she do that to me?” he asked, turning his red, tear-filled eyes up to me.
My heart twisted and broke as the pain in those eyes. So much pain, so much confusion. It just wasn’t right.
“Because no matter how much he hurt her, how much they hurt each other they were meant to be, Alex. He was her soul mate, the other half of her heart. They belonged together,” I answered, running a soothing hand through his hair as I held him as if he were a child.
“Why though? Why did they belong together when he hurt her so much?” he pressed, his eyes still filled with the urge to understand why his pain wasn’t as important as what Nick and Riley had gone through.
“Because no matter how often he hurt her or her him they completed each other. They just needed a few chances to figure it out. Remember, Alex. We get all the chances we need till we get it right. They needed a lot, but they finally got it right. Didn’t they? When Riley died did they love each other completely? Did they love each other and fulfilled all their dreams?”
“Yes,” he whispered, turning his eyes away in defeat.
“You think you lost her though. Now you think because you understand you’ve really lost her?” I asked quietly. I turned his face gently so he looked up at me again. “Oh, Alex,” I whispered upon seeing his eyes.
“She was never here for me to love if she was always his,” he whispered.
“No, Alex. She was here for you to love to. She was yours as well as his just in a different way. Don’t you understand? You were meant to love her as much as she loved you. It’s the circle of life, to love and be loved by each person in your life. She was here and she’ll always be here. Loving you and being loved by you. She wasn’t your soul mate, your other half, Alex, but someone is. Riley will be here with you always to love you when you fall in love with the right person and to love you when you hurt. She’ll always love you, Alex,” I promised him.
“How can she love me if she was his?” he asked me.
“Because she was yours too. She was yours and Brian’s and Howie’s and Kevin’s. She’s Gabriel’s and Star’s. She belongs to all the people who love her, who loved her in life and who will love her forever. Just like you’ll belong to all the people who love you when you go. We aren’t complete without the people who love us, Jack Daniels. You completed Riley and she completed you,” I answered, touching his face, wiping away the tears that slid down his face.
He stared up at me for a few minutes before turning away to stare at her gravestone once again.
Pain. It was such an odd thing. The word brought thoughts of physical pain, the kind that caused blood and bruises, that left physical evidence on your body to prove you had been hurt. Sometimes it left scars, sometimes they healed and disappeared. Then there was emotional pain. Most people don’t think of it the same way. It’s an emotion, something felt in the heart, but not in the body. That wasn’t true though. When your heart hurt your body hurt too. It was as physical as a broken bone, emotional pain. It cut through you, made you sick, weakened you, tore you apart, and could slowly kill you if you let it. It was a dangerous as any physical pain you could imagine. Maybe even more so.
As Alex lay in my arms in the middle of the night next to the grave of a woman I had never known I wondered if his pain would kill him or would his heart let him heal.
His steady breathing alerted me to the fact that he had fallen asleep. For a brief moment I wondered about waking him but decided not too. His emotions had exhausted him. He needed his rest. I needed mine I realized as my eyes began to droop. His emotions wore him out but trying to help him figure them out had worn me out as well I thought as I drifted off to sleep.
~~~~~~******~~~~~~
“It’s not that I can’t live without you. It’s just that I don’t even want to try.”
The softly whispered words drew me from my sleep and I fought to focus my eyes against the early morning sunlight as Alex stared down at me with his soulful brown eyes.
I didn’t speak, didn’t know if there were words to say after the previous night. So I watched his eyes, eyes that stayed focused on me. He was looking for something inside of me. Answers? Questions? Hope? I didn’t know, but maybe I was searching for the same things.
I felt the sunlight shining down on us, his arms wrapped around me, and very slowly his head began to descend. Closer, closer, closer.
His lips brushed mine gently as if testing, wondering what my reaction would be. Before finally his mouth took mine. The kiss was gentle still, searching, hoping, discovering. I didn’t know how to react. I hadn’t been kissed in so long and it felt so right to be in his arms, to be kissed. The feeling was heavenly.
Slowly, he began to pull away till finally his lips freed mine. Pressing his forehead against mine, he breathed deeply.
“Oh Riley,” he whispered.
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