“Greer?” he pressed, turning my face so our eyes met once again.
“Busy, honey I need you out here. We’re packed,” Frankie yelled from out front.
Scrambling to me feet, I pulled Alex toward the door with me.
“Greer, please answer me,” he raspy voice begged of me. I stopped and looked at him for a moment. What would my answer be? The truth? A lie? Maybe a little of both?
“You’re taking so many steps to find your life again, Alex. I don’t want to see you slip back into those shadows because of one mistake,” I finally answered.
Without another word, we walked back out front. I wasn’t given the chance to think much more on the subject though it never really left my mind. The dingy bar was packed that night and I never had another chance to stop and breathe let alone think.
At two o’clock Frankie kissed my cheek and walked out the door with a promise that I was to have lunch with him and his family the next day.
As I turned the open sign to closed Alex’s voice drifted to me in the darkness.
“Was it a mistake for me to kiss you?” he asked softly.
I stopped with my hand still on the sign and let his question sink in. He was so confused, so lost. He had so much he still needed to do before he could see life again through eyes clear of betrayal and pain. Every time he turned to me for help I had to be careful of everything I said and did so as not to hurt him even more.
“It was if you really wanted to kiss Riley, if you were just trying harder to forget her,” I answered just as softly as I turned to look at him in the dim lighting.
“What if I don’t know why I did it? What if all I know is I wanted to kiss you?”
“Then you have to find out if it was really me you wanted to kiss.”
“And if it was you?”
“Then you have to find out why and if you are ready to take a step like that.”
“What step is that, Greer?” he asked, standing and moving towards me.
“I’m not a game to play with, Alex. Don’t do this to me,” I warned, watching his movements as he grew closer. He reminded me of a cat stalking his prey, his body filled with grace.
“I’m not playing a game, spider web,” he answered.
“Stop,” I screamed at him, holding my hand up to still his approach. “You are playing with me, damn it. I see it in your eyes. You want to see just how far you can push yourself before Riley’s memory jerks you back. How far can you go, how much can you do before you let the pain pull you back in and drown you all over again? Well, I’m not playing and I won’t be played with. You stand your ground against this, Alex, or you walk away.”
He stared at me in silence, my words completely unexpected and cold. They were all true though. I wasn’t going to hurt myself to save him. No matter what emotions raged inside of my heart. I refused to drown myself while trying to save his life when I still wasn’t sure whether he wanted to swim or sink in his emotions.
“Greer,” he began, taking yet another step.
“No. You’re teasing me, testing the waters. You want to see if you can invoke the kind of emotions in another human being that you think you can no longer feel. Well you can. I feel them, Alex. Are you happy now? But I won’t stand here and let you find out if you can do to me what you think Riley did to you,” I said, feeling the burning in the back of my eyes.
Now was not the time to cry, damn it. I couldn’t lose control, not yet, not when I was fighting to survive the emotions raging within me as Alex stood just a few feet away staring at me with those brown eyes.
“It’s time to go, Alex,” I whispered.
“Please, Greer. I’m sorry,” he begged.
“Go, Alex,” I repeated, stepping back so he could leave.
“Greer, I didn’t mean to,” he whispered, moving towards the door. He hung his head in what seemed to be defeat, his body void of the grace that had been there only moments before.
He stopped at the door and looked back at me, his brown eyes brimming with tears.
“Alex, when you wonder again why Riley always turned to Nick even though you were always there for her remember me,” I said. Then I walked back to the storeroom until I heard the door close behind him.
I sat back there, alone in the darkness for a lifetime. Still I fought the tears that threatened to spill. Still I tried to calm the storm of emotions within me. I had screwed up so badly.
Taking a deep breath, I walked back out front and pretended to clean up. My pretense didn’t last long though before I broke down and sent the bar top of empty beer bottles and glasses crashing to the floor. The glass shattered and splinted everywhere as I collapsed behind the bar sobbing. I had screwed up so badly.
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