“The itsy bitsy spider went up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again,” I sang and signed to Kane as he lay in his hospital bed three days later.
He laughed and clapped his hands as the song ended and grinning at him I turned to see who was coming through his door. Alex gave a slight smile as our eyes met before giving Kane a full-fledged grin.
“Hey, Red,” he greeted the little boy.
“Hi, Alex,” Kane greeted.
“Rumor has it you get to go home today.”
“Yup. Greer’s gonna take me back to school and I’m gonna have a party. Are you coming?” he asked, his green eyes looking up at Alex’s big brown ones. Hope searching in pain.
“Am I invited?” Alex asked.
“Sure, you can come back with Greer and me,” he answered, grinning.
“You think maybe I could borrow her for a few minutes, buddy? We’ll be right back,” Alex assured him.
Without answering, I saw the look of fear that entered Kane’s eyes. After three days he was still too scared to be alone and I wasn’t going to leave him just so Alex could spin fancy words around me once again.
“We can talk later, Alex. Right now I’m going to hunt down Kane’s doctor and see when we can break him out of here,” I said, smiling at the little boy. Standing up, I turned so he couldn’t read my lips. “Don’t leave him alone,” I warned Alex.
I flashed Kane another smile before walking out. Once the door closed behind me I leaned against the wall for a moment. Three days, it had been three days since I had seen him. Since the first night he had passed out at the Lonely Star we had been together every single day. He hadn’t even come in to the bar at night.
I missed him, his eyes, his voice, his attempt at a smile when the memories didn’t hold him down. I missed seeing him on that stool every night. I missed talking to him as I cleaned up. I missed having him walk me home. I missed his hand in my hair every time we touched. I just missed him.
When I forced him to go, to learn to live with himself I had no idea how hard it would be for me to live without him. I had grown to live my life with him as part of it. I felt empty without him to hold. A part of me was missing without his hand holding mine. I was lost in my free moments at the bar without him to stop and talk to. He had become so much a part of me in such a short time. I hadn’t understood how much so till I let him go.
With a heavy sigh, I went to find the doctor. It was time to take Kane home.
The cab ride to the school was filled with Kane’s chatter. I watched him talking to Alex. He was amazed by the man, talking and asking questions of him. He wanted to know about his tattoos, his sunglasses, why his goatee was so different looking. He wanted to know who Alex really was.
I remember when I was that person in his life, the one he wanted to learn about. It was before he could speak at all, our conversations limited to sign language. He had healed my heart so much and then stolen in just as quickly. He was an amazing boy and he seemed to be stealing a piece of Alex’s heart as well.
As we arrived at the school and made our way inside Sydney, staff, and all the other students greeted Kane with a cry of “Surprise!” upon seeing him.
He was soon wrapped up in his party, talking about the hospital and doctors and learning about all the things he had missed out on in the last few days. Children were so amazing. Their lives could be altered so much in a matter of moments and yet they still held on to all the things that make them the miracles they are.
“Can I talk to you now?” Alex asked from behind me as I stood watching Kane.
I turned to look at him and for the first time since he had walked into the hospital room that morning I really looked at him. He looked awful. His eyes were dull, his skin pale, his cheeks sunken in. He almost looked as if he were dying.
“Oh Alex,” I sighed as I looked at him. Taking his hand, I led him from the room and back to the empty library.
As the door closed softly behind us he looked at me with his dark eyes, eyes that seemed to have lost whatever hope I had given him before.
“You aren’t sleeping, are you?” I asked him. He shook his head no. “Or eating or going outside or calling your friends?” Again he shook his head.
“I can’t do this without you,” he finally said.
“You can’t do it with me. You’re using me as an excuse not to live your own life. I won’t be your crutch, Alex. I won’t let you use me to hide from what you have to do. And I won’t let you play with me so you can fool yourself into thinking you’ve let go of a woman your heart refuses to release,” I told him, turning my back on him and walking across the room.
“I don’t know how to let go of her,” he cried out, his voice filled with pain and anguish. He sounded like he was dying from the pain, like he sounded when he screamed out in his sleep. If he died from this though it would now be because he didn’t want to let go of the pain.
“I showed you how to let go, Alex. I gave you every chance and every possible way to let go of her. You just have one problem,” I said, still not looking at him.
“What?” he asked softly.
“You don’t want to,” I answered, turning to look at him.
“That’s not true,” he argued, shaking his head in denial.
“It is, Alex, and no matter what I do or say you won’t let go of her and move on till you’re ready to.”
“No, that’s not true. I want to move on, Greer. I do,” he insisted.
“No, you don’t, Jack Daniels. You’re comfortable in your pain and you’re afraid of what life is like without it now. That’s your choice, but I can’t live like that again, Alex. I let go of my pain. I can’t lose myself in yours.”
He stared at me from across the room, his emotions, good and bad, raged a war within him. This was his chance to decide. Did he want me or did he want the memory of a woman that was never really his?
“I don’t know how,” was all he could say.
I nodded in understanding then. So that was his choice. Somehow I knew that would be the one he would make.
“Yes, you do, Alex. The choices are laid before you. All you have to do is decide when you’re ready to make the right now,” I said, approaching him. I took his hand in mine and smiled up at him. “You get all the chances you need till you get it right. You’ll have another chance,” I promised him.
I leaned up and kissed him softly. Smiling one last time at him, I left the room and returned to the party. I didn’t see him again.
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