Chris looked into Nick's eyes and saw nothing but his love for her there. It was pure and real, nothing ugly or nasty about it. "It scares me how much I need you."
"It goes both ways," he said softly. "I can't imagine my life without you."
Chris kissed him, her lips parting slightly, her tongue gently exploring his mouth. "We really should head back."
"Yeah." He stood up, pulling her up with him. "You ok?" Chris picked up her sandals and took his hand. "Better than ok." She started walking up the beach, pulling Nick behind her. "How about you?"
"Me?"
"Yeah, Nick." Chris smiled. "You used to tell me what you were thinking all the time. I don't think you've done that in a while."
"I've told you I love you." He insisted, stopping to hug her tight. "And that I need you in my life."
"But what are you thinking?" For some reason, she really needed to know. "I mean, I told you I'm scared. I don't know what's going on with us, I know I love you, and I know I need you, but I don't know what that means. And I've never felt anything like this before. What about you?"
Nick ran his hands through her hair, bending to cup her face in his hands. "I'm scared too. All of this is new to me too, you're making me feel things I didn't know existed. I don't know how I'm going to handle Monday, going back to the way we were is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I know that this time is worth it, and I thank MTV every day for bringing you into my life. I was alone before I met you, Chris."
Chris reached up and kissed his nose, smiling.
Nick picked her up, laughing as she squealed in protest. "We're never going to get back if I let you keep stopping."
"You don't have to carry me," she argued, pushing against his chest. When that didn't work, she pulled his mouth to hers, her tongue darting deep into his throat, rolling over his teeth.
He groaned in response and nearly dropped her. "Jesus, Chris, the things you do to me."
She laughed and licked a circle around his mouth, hanging onto his shoulders for support as he set her down. "Thank you." She continued walking up the beach, hands innocently clasped behind her.
"Such a cat." Nick slung an arm around her shoulders protectively as they walked.
"A cat?"
"Sweet and innocent one minute, frisky as a kitten the next." He laughed.
"Making up for lost time." Chris grinned, and slapped Nick's rear. "And you're just so damn irresistible." It was strange, she'd always been the timid one in bed before, always waiting for the guy to make the first move. She just couldn't keep her hands off of Nick, though.
"Don't get me started again, we'll never get home." He tried his hardest not to look at her and just walk.
Chris spotted something in the distance and pointed. "Someone's on the beach?"
Nick looked where she was pointing and nodded. "I think so." He pulled her closer to him protectively as they made their way towards the figure.
"Nick? Chris?" Kevin was walking up to them, shoulders slumped. "Where you guys been?" he was slurring his words.
"We went out to dinner up at the resort." Chris looked at Kevin, concerned. "Are you ok?"
"Kristen threw me out." He plopped down on the sand, head in his hands. "She won't let me back in until I tell her what's wrong."
"So tell her." Nick said harshly. "You made your own mess, Kevin."
"I know." He said pitifully, eyes bright. "I'm gonna go back and tell her."
"You're sitting on the beach." Chris pointed out.
"Soon." He replied, turning away to face the water.
"Whatever." Nick pulled Chris away. "He doesn't deserve our time, baby."
Chris protested, "Nick, we should make sure he's ok, he's our friend."
"Tonight there's only us." Nick insisted. He was not going to waste a moment of his time with Chris on Kevin and his screwups. Kevin had messed up his relationship with Chris enough already.
They finally made their way back to the bungalow and undressed each other. They made love slowly, carefully, each of them memorizing the moment, all too aware it was one of the last they would have together. As the sun started to come up, they fell asleep in each other's arms, the real world far away for now.
**************************************************
A Day in the Life Of... Day 129 St. Maarten CAMERAS OFF
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?*
Chris woke up to find nothing but pillows next to her. Laughing at how late it must be for her to have slept later than Nick, she made her way into the shower and dressed quickly. Her eyes spied her cell phone sitting on the table, and she grabbed it to make a quick call before heading to the main house. She dialed and waited impatiently for the answering machine to kick in. "Hey, it's me. This is going to sound strange. Um, I'm having an amazing time in the Caribbean, it's gorgeous, Nick's wonderful, it's great. But I think I'm going to REALLY need you on Monday, will you meet me at my place? You know I wouldn't ask unless I meant it, right? My flight lands at 4, I think. Please be there?" she hung up. One more day.
She opened the door to find Nick standing outside, two cups of coffee in his hands.
"Damn, you weren't supposed to wake up until I got back," he pouted, bending to kiss her.
"Sorry, Nicky," she returned the kiss fully, opening her mouth up to his, their tongues dueling with each other.
"Good morning." He grinned, and handed her a cup.
"Thanks." She took a sip and smiled. "This is great."
"I made it." Nick sat down on the couch next to her, beaming from ear to ear.
"Wow, Nick, this is really good coffee." Chris snuggled up against him, her legs slipping over his knees. "Where'd you learn how to do this?"
"I made Leighanne show me yesterday. I wanted to be able to make you coffee, since you love it so much." He bent to kiss her gently, his tongue licking a drop of coffee from the corner of her lip. "I want to know what else you love like coffee."
"You." Chris captured his tongue with her lips, sucking on it until he shuddered. "Your tongue," she giggled.
"God, help me be strong," Nick whispered seriously, and, grabbing Chris' coffee cup from her hand and setting it down along with his own, picked her up and walked out the door, ignoring her screams. "You were about to get me started again, and I have plans for us today."
Chris stopped her kicking and started watching where Nick was taking her. Towards the beach... "Plans?"
"Yup."
"I can walk, you know." She ran her fingers through his hair, tracing circles over the back of his neck. "You really like picking me up like this, don't you." She bent her head to his neck and licked at the beads of sweat that had formed there.
Nick put her down gently. "You're driving me crazy."
"Good." Chris made a point of looking at the tent in his bathing suit, and smiled. "So where are we going?" she pressed herself up against his body, smiling even wider when he moaned into her hair.
"If you don't stop it, we're not going to get there." He grabbed her hand and steadily walked on, practically pulling her behind him.
"Ok, ok." She walked along, wondering where they were going. "You know I have nothing with me? No shoes, no money, just me."
"You have a bathing suit on though, right?" Nick was pretty sure he'd felt the straps of one beneath her shirt.
"Yeah."
"Don't need anything but you, then." He smiled, and waved to a dock up ahead. "That's where we're going."
"A dock?"
"A boat."
"A boat!" Chris grinned. "Really?"
"I wanted a sailboat," Nick apologized. "But all they had for rental were motorboats. That ok?"
"More than ok." Chris hugged him, laughing when he grumbled about stopping again. "I'll keep my hands off of you until we're in the middle of the ocean, ok?"
"I'd never ask you to do that." He laughed, kissing her forehead. "Let me go square things away with the boat, ok?"
"Ok." Chris watched him walk off, not able to stop the soaring feeling in her heart. The feeling of complete and total happiness. It was so weird, so strange. Just looking at Nick made her feel like a different person...a beautiful, sexy, happy woman. And the fact that he loved her, that was amazing. Millions of women around the world wanted him...but he wanted her. But here, in this place, he wasn't Nick Carter, Backstreet Boy. He was just her Nicky.
Until tomorrow, anyway.
She felt tears prick her eyes at the thought of Monday morning. They hadn't talked about how they would leave...tonight or tomorrow morning. They were going back to New York City for an appearance on TRL Tuesday, and she would be going to her apartment, not to the hotel with the group. Separate flights and all. Probably a very good thing that they'd be in New York until Friday, she wouldn't be tempted to go running back to Nick with him a full cab ride away. She looked up as he returned, keys jingling in his hand, and smiled at the grin on his face.
"Ready?"
"Aye captain." Chris mock-saluted him and followed him to their boat.
*******************************************
*Lyrics by Sarah McLachlan
Julia and Leighanne had decided a day of fun and facials was in order, and ordered up massages and beauty treatments galore at the resort's spa. Both were relaxed and calm, seated with drinks in hand, 'beauty specialists' massaging their feet, when Leighanne finally broached the reason she'd asked Julia to do this.
"Brian told me about you and Kevin." She said softly. Kevin had seemed miserable, she had to try to find out what was going on, for Brian's sake. "Is it still going on?"
Julia's hand trembled slightly as she sipped her drink. "Why would you think that?"
"Kristen left this morning." Kevin had woken them up, banging on the bedroom door for Brian. He'd apparently gone back to tell her everything, to find her gone. "Kevin said he was going to talk to her."
"So why would you think I was sleeping with him still?"
"Because he woke us up at 9, he said he'd just found her gone. Where was he all night, if Kristen was packing?"
"I have no idea." Julia shrugged. "I was stupid, but only once. I have no desire to break up anyone's marriage."
"Good." Leighanne said firmly. "Brian's talking to Kevin now, hopefully he'll get him to go after her."
"Hopefully."
****************************************************
"Why not?" Brian was glaring at his cousin. "You claim to love her, but you're just going to let her go?"
"I know Kristen, I need to give her time to calm down." Kevin explained calmly. "I'll call her later this week, she'll be ok."
"What are you going to do tonight, then? Go find someone else?"
"Brian, calm down. I'm not going to do anything stupid."
Brian knew Kevin all too well, that was why he couldn't calm down. Not until they were back on tour and he could keep an eye on him. "I hope not. Tonight's my last night with Leighanne for a while, I can't spend it babysitting you. Or else I would."
Kevin couldn't stand the patronistic attitude. "I am your OLDER cousin, need I remind you, and I know full well how to take care of myself. Go make your girlfriend happy, I'll be just fine."
"You haven't acted like yourself in months, Kev, definitely not like anything resembling my older cousin. Spend tonight by yourself and think hard about what you're doing with your life, would you?"
"Whatever." Kevin marched off, knowing exactly where he was going, and exactly what he intended to do tonight. And thinking was the last thing on that list.
*****************************************************
Chris was watching Nick drive the boat, standing behind the wheel, staring out at the water. He looked like something out of a movie, his blond hair whipping back from his head, sunglasses shielding his eyes, his tan skin reflecting the sun.
He noticed her looking at him, and stared back. "What?"
"Nothing." Chris turned her face, laughing.
"Come here." He reached out to her, one hand still on the wheel. He couldn't quite reach her while holding it.
Chris got up and went to him, his arm slipping around her back to pull her close. She leaned against him, her arms wrapped around his waist, her head against his chest, listening to his heart beat. "So where are we going?"
"I just want to go far enough that we can't see land. So there's only us." Nick replied, looking around. "Here's good, actually." With a yank he dropped the anchor, and turned to face Chris. "Now for the rest of the surprise."
He went below deck for a minute, and emerged, arms full. He spread a blanket out on the deck, followed by a couple of pillows. A bottle of wine and two wineglasses were set down next, and a fully stocked picnic basket was last.
"Wow Nick, you didn't forget a thing." Chris sat down on the blanket, pulling him down next to her.
He sat down next to her, hugging her close. "This is what I was doing this morning."
"Thank you so much," Chris pulled his head down to hers and kissed him, her tongue reaching out to play with his.
With a groan, Nick pushed her back until she was lying on the blanket, his hips settled in the cradle of her thighs. "You've teased me enough. It's time you pay for it." He slowly ground his hips into hers, grinning when she moaned from the movement.
"Tease? Me?" Chris could tell Nick was extremely excited, there was no way he was going to force her to go slow now. She pushed him onto his back, straddling his legs. "I think I'm done with that." She reached down and pulled his bathing suit off, capturing him with her hands when he sprung free. "You seem to like teasing quite a bit."
"Chris, let go, I don't want to, not yet..." he gasped as she bent down and took him in her mouth, her tongue flicking over the head, her hand cupping his balls.
"Nice and slow, right?" She murmured, her fingers roaming over his thighs, curling though his hair.
"Oh god, Chris," Nick's head was thrown back, eyes shut as she started sucking on him, her teeth gently scraping up and down the length of his shaft. He reached down and ran his hands through her hair, holding on for dear life as she took him over the edge, his hips jerking up, forcing himself deep down her throat as he came.
With a grin, Chris licked all traces of what had just occurred off of Nick before sitting up and kissing him. "I'm no tease."
"So you're not." He shook his head. "You will never stop surprising me."
"That's a good thing, right?" Chris watched as his hand started creeping between her legs.
"Oh, a very good thing." With a quick shove, Nick flipped her onto her back. "My turn." He bent his head to take her nipple in his mouth, his fingers slipping inside her, finding her soaking wet. "And someone's a little excited, aren't they."
"All your fault." Chris moaned, her legs parting to allow Nick easier access. "I can't keep my hands off of you."
"My fault? But aren't I the young," he kissed her nipple, "innocent," down by her navel, his tongue dragging a trail down her stomach, "one of the Backstreet Boys?" his tongue found what it was looking for, his head buried between her thighs. "A virgin, even." His voice, muffled, the smile clear in his tone.
"Innocent?" Chris gasped at his touch, her eyes rolling back in her head. God, if there was anything the boy wasn't....he knew how to make a woman feel good, no question someone had taught him well. "Jesus, Nick," she ran her hands through his hair, fighting the impulse to grind her hips into his face.
Sitting up quickly, Nick positioned himself between Chris' legs, ignoring her protests of him being a tease. "I'll take care of you baby, don't worry." He grinned, and pushed into her, feeling her contract around him, squeezing him tight.
Chris wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him close to her, feeling complete with him buried deep inside her. She cried out as he increased the pressure of his thrusts, pushing harder and deeper. She felt like her entire being was focused on him, on his movements deep within her. His breathing was hers, her cries, his. With a final cry they both came, their world shattering around them, holding each other as they came back to earth.
******************************************************
A Day in the Life Of... Day 130 St. Maarten - New York
Hold on, hold on to yourself.
This is gonna hurt like hell.*
Chris woke up with a start, unsure of where she was. Nick was still next to her, she was in the Caribbean. She checked the clock, it was 5am. Time to get up soon. She looked at him, her eyes filling with tears as she thought about how this was all over. She couldn't imagine sleeping in the same bed as him and not touching him, not kissing him. She couldn't imagine sleeping without him, either. She kissed his lips softly, a tear falling on his cheek.
Nick woke up to see her teary eyes, and pulled her to him. "Shhh, don't cry." He held her tight, his hands running through her hair. He knew exactly why she was crying, he felt the same way. But there was nothing they could do about it, he knew Chris wouldn't want them to be together on camera, and he loved her enough to respect that. "Hey, didn't you promise me a shower?"
Chris looked at him, surprised. "I guess I did." One last time. Might as well make it memorable.
He sat up, pulling her with him. "I have to leave in an hour."
Chris followed him into the shower, undressing on the way. They stepped in, water steaming hot, almost burning their skin. They ran their hands over each other's bodies, touching every inch, as if to memorize each inch. Gently, with more caring than either of them knew existed in the world, they made love to each other one final time, clinging to each other for support under the streaming water. When they came, reluctantly, they cried out the other's name for the world to know, both scared it was the last time they would ever do so.
"I should go." Nick hugged and kissed Chris, the tears running down his face mixing with the water from the shower. "See you Tuesday."
Chris couldn't reply, she was shaking too hard. The second the door closed behind him, she fell to the floor of the shower in tears, feeling like her heart was going to break.
Oh god, what had she done.
********************************************
"Hey." Nick met Brian at the car, slinging his bags into the trunk.
"There you are." Brian smiled at the sight of his friend. "We were getting worried, you're late."
"I'm here." The younger man replied softly, getting into the car. He found the rest of the guys already there, waiting for him.
"And didn't Nicky have a good weekend." AJ looked over the top of his sunglasses at Nick. "Although a tad bit grumpy this morning?"
Nick glared at AJ and turned to stare out the window. "I don't want to talk about it."
Brian slid in next to Nick as the car started, and they left for the airport. "I'm going to miss Leighanne," he said softly.
"Yeah, I'm gonna miss Chris too." Nick muttered, his forehead pressed against the window.
"You'll see her tomorrow, Frack."
"Not like we were. That's over." He bit his lip and stared into space. "We meet those cameras in New York, and she can't touch me." He thought for a moment, brows knotted. "Why is it that I kept looking for a girl who wouldn't care that I was a Backstreet Boy, and when I finally found her, she can't be with me BECAUSE I am a Backstreet Boy?"
"Once the tour's over, won't you two get back together?"
"I dunno. She never mentioned it."
"Why didn't you?"
"Didn't want to think past the weekend, ya know? Enjoy the time we had together."
"She loves you, Nick, that's not gonna change." Brian reassured him.
"I dunno."
"So Howie, where the fuck were you all weekend?" AJ asked, trying to lighten the air. "You didn't meet a girlie at the resort, did you?"
"Naw, just worked out, slept, swam, had some fun time to myself." Howie shrugged. "Was nice, it had been a long time since I'd had time to myself."
"We all got time to ourselves now...." AJ commiserated. The girlfriends were all off the tour, until Valentine's Day, at least. "Sucks."
"I'm always alone. I get used to it." Howie met his friend's gaze, eyes steady. "Really, it's no big deal."
"He's right, you get used to it." Nick defended Howie.
"You weren't alone, Nick."
"Might as well have been, all the good it does me now." Nick pulled his GameBoy out of his bag and held it up. "Got your link cable, Howie?"
"Yeah."
Tetris wars were on, the rest of the way to the airport.
****************************************
*Lyrics By Sarah McLachlan
Chris let herself into her apartment, looking around, reacquainting herself with the space. Amazing how unfamiliar the place always looked after she'd been away for too long. She dropped her bags on the floor with a sigh. "Home sweet home."
She'd barely had a chance to make a cup of tea when the buzzer rang. She let her friend in, opening the door when she made it up the stairs. "You came!"
"Well, shit, girl, with a message like that?" Lisa hugged Chris tight. "What the hell happened in the Caribbean?"
Chris closed the door behind her best friend and waved her to the couch. She'd been thinking about nothing else since Nick had left her this morning. "I think I got taken." She sat down, tears welling up in her eyes.
"What do you mean??"
"I thought I was in love, thought we were in love. Everything felt perfect, for the two days we were together, anyway. We spent every moment together, and it was, just, right. But I should have known better...before anything even happened, he said to me that we would go right back to the way we were. I should have known." Chris muttered, grabbing a cigarette off the coffee table.
"I don't follow." Lisa shook her head. "Why did he say that?"
"At the time, I thought because of my career...what it would mean for me to be seen with him on camera. He knows nothing good would come of it. But that was before anything ever happened. Now? After this weekend? We spent two wonderful days together. My career...I'd deal, ya know? But I think he meant that we were just to be like that for those two days. That he didn't want me for longer..." her words ended in a sob.
Lisa hugged her best friend, rubbing her back consolingly. "Chrissy, you went and fell in love with him anyway, didn't you."
Chris doubled over her knees, her stomach cramping from her emotional turmoil, "I don't know how I'm supposed to face him tomorrow. I can't just go back to the way we were." And she knew the truth now. He didn't love her. It was evident in the way he'd left...just a 'see you Tuesday.' Nothing else. She felt stupid, humiliated, used...played for a fool by a man she thought she trusted. She wiped her tears off her face, determined to grow up, once and for all. "Every time I think of him...I can still hear him, still feel him."
"You'll go in there looking like a million bucks tomorrow, and strut your stuff in his face. Remind him what he's giving up." Lisa smiled wryly. "And you'll be ok. Lotsa girls love Nick Carter."
Chris couldn't stop the smile that crossed her face, thinking about the 'public' Nick Carter, versus the Nicky she knew. "Not the Nick Carter I know." Then again, how well did she really know Nick anymore.
"Yeah, yeah. Forget him, would you? So he was great in bed. You'll find another guy who can make your head explode, I promise."
"It's not just the sex, I can live without that. I lost a really good friend too, Li." Chris said softly, hugging her knees to her chest. "A very special friend," she blinked rapidly as tears threatened to spill again. The long talks they'd have in the hotel rooms at night, everything, that was all over. She used to feel like she could tell him anything. In his arms, she'd feel safe. Not anymore. Not when he could make her hurt this much.
"Chrissy, you've only known him a few months, I promise you, you'll get over this." Lisa got up and went to the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge. "Um, babe, we gotta get to the store or else we're both gonna starve, you don't have jack in here."
"I walked in the door right before you!" Chris stood up, wiping tears from her eyes as she argued. "When was I supposed to get anything?"
"You're such an awful hostess, gotta love you." Lisa threw Chris' coat at her, pushing her out the door, happy to have distracted her from thoughts of Nick. "We go. Food."
*************************************************
The guys all headed out for a fun dinner in the city, the absence of Chris and Julia weighing heavily on everyone's minds.
"I understand why Chris didn't come, but Julia?" AJ asked Brian quietly as they walked up the street to the restaurant, camera crews and security in tow. They were trying very hard not to say anything about what had happened between Chris and Nick on camera, but it was difficult.
"I'm not sure." Brian had a horrible feeling Julia and Kevin had been together in the Caribbean. No proof, just a feeling. His cousin was refusing to look him in the eye again, and was never a good sign.
Kevin was trying to talk to Nick, but the younger man was still angry at the elder. Nick was pretty angry at everyone at the moment, just not too happy with the world. "Nick, man, you gotta loosen up."
"Leave me the fuck alone." Nick hissed, walking faster. Kevin reminded him of Chris. This city reminded him of Chris. Everything reminded him of her, and it was driving him crazy. He wanted to run to her apartment, tell her he loved her, he needed her. But he would drag the cameras with him, and he couldn't do that to her. Life was cruel, that he was learning once and for all.
"He's just upset, don't take it personally." Howie pulled Kevin back from following. "This is hard for him."
"I warned him." Kevin sighed. "Brian laughed at me, but I warned him, dammit."
"You should worry about yourself, Kev," Howie said firmly. He'd heard about Kristen leaving early, of course, and had a pretty good guess why.
"I'll be alright."
"You gonna call her?"
"Soon, soon."
************************************************
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