"I thought the reason you fell for him so hard was because you were so convinced he was?" Julia's eyes were locked on the screen in front of her, but her brow was wrinkled in confusion.
"I was." Chris agreed. "That's why what happened in the Caribbean happened, my stupidity. I was wrong...everything that happened afterwards just proved to me how much he wasn't just a normal guy. Including AJ's great revelation about him."
"But you do believe he never meant to hurt you."
She nodded. "He's sincere, I believe that. But I'm sure he was sincere with each and every one of those fans he slept with too."
"That's different, Chris."
"How do I know that?" Chris' eyes filled with tears and she blinked rapidly. Not something she wanted to do now. "You said Kevin will always cheat on Kristen, it's something she's always known. I can't accept that. I won't be with a man who won't be with me completely...I can't imagine even wanting a man who would want another woman. Now, it sounds to me like Nick is just like Kevin. I just can't figure out if I'm the Kristen or the Julia in the situation..."
"Nick isn't like Kevin."
"Nick's been a Backstreet Boy since he was 13 years old, Jules, that's SEVEN years. That's longer than you or I have ever had one apartment, or job, or been in one school, even. Seven years doing the same thing...the same people. Can you even imagine what it has to have been like...living with THIS for the last seven years? Of course Nick's like Kevin, it's practically all he knows!"
"You're wrong, Nicky's not like that."
"What makes you so sure? He's been sleeping around the entire tour so far."
"Kevin, for one thing." Julia shrugged. "He's like a father to Nick, remember? He talks....he thinks Nick's in love with you. Madly. It scares him, even, to see how hard Nick's fallen for you."
"So that's why you're always harassing me about Nick."
"Sure, I hear Kevin talking about it all the time. Nick's always had girls, but never really fallen for anyone. Well, maybe his last girlfriend, to an extent...."
"He gets really upset when he talks about her, he's only mentioned her to me a few times."
"Yeah, she really broke his heart somehow. But he still didn't really love her. He loves you." Julia paused for a breath. "Now think about it. If Nick didn't really care about Mandy, and she managed to screw him up that badly....how badly can someone who he loves mess him up?"
"Kevin thinks I'm going to screw with Nick?"
"Kevin thinks you ARE screwing with Nick."
"Fuck Kevin then, he doesn't know what's going on. Nick's the one screwing with me. It's like this is a game to him. Anyway," Chris' eyes narrowed to slits. "If it wasn't for Kevin, things might have been very different between us."
"He feels horribly for that too."
"Sure he does."
Julia sighed and changed the subject. "What time did you tell the guys we'd show them this?"
"7. I figured we could all get dinner afterwards, clear the air before rehearsal tomorrow."
"Howie's at the doctor's?"
"Yeah, with AJ."
"Where are Brian and Kevin?"
"With their families."
"And Nick?"
"Up in his room." Chris replied.
"Alone?"
"Presumably." She smirked. "Although I suppose I have no idea, Toby could be out getting him someone as we speak..."
"You should go talk to him."
"We talked earlier."
"And?"
"More of the same...he flirts with me, I get uncomfortable and push him away, nothing gets resolved. He was kind of upset about Howie, though."
"So go take him to lunch, the poor boy's probably starving." Julia pointed at the stack of tapes beside her. "I have my work cut out for me here, and, no offense, but you're distracting me."
"None taken." Chris stood up and stretched. "I'll see you later, then."
"And I mean it, don't just go back to your room. Go see Nicky...we have three more months together, you two might as well settle things one way or another." Julia winked.
"Very funny."
Chris stood outside Nick's room, wondering why it was such a big deal for her to just knock. How many Sunday's had they spent like this, hanging out in one of their rooms, just talking, doing nothing. But that had been before the Caribbean... With a sigh, she knocked, almost wishing she wouldn't find him inside.
Nick answered the door with the chain on, one eye peeking outside to see who was there. "Hey."
"Hey," she looked at him closely, "are you ok?" Had he been crying?
He shook his head, sniffling slightly, his hair flopping over his red eyes. The door closed, and she could hear the chain being taken off. He reopened the door and waved her in, locking it again behind her. "Had a tough morning, I guess."
"What happened?" Chris followed him in, looking him over carefully. He looked so upset...
"Nothing, really," he sat down on the suite's couch, picking up the Playstation controller on the table in front of him. "Just got homesick."
"We'll be in Florida next month." Chris sat down next to him, looking at the paused game on the television. "Final Fantasy?"
Nick nodded and handed her the controller. "Final Fantasy 8. And my family isn't in Florida anymore."
"Did you talk to them?" She placed the controller carefully on the table and shifted so she was facing him on the sofa.
"No, Aaron was on tv. He looked great." Nick smiled, and took Chris' hand, playing with her fingers. "BJ was there, and Leslie, and Angel, they all looked great. Aaron's getting so old so fast too, it's creepy seeing the girls scream for him like that. And the announcer," he snorted angrily, his hand closing around hers in a fist. "Nick Carter's younger brother Aaron, the up and coming young sex symbol. Jesus, he's 13!"
"That's the business for you..." She covered his hand with hers, her thumb stroking his skin gently. "Aaron's going to be a star."
"No, that's my mother for you." Nick shook his head. "You don't hear any other 13 year olds being hyped as sex symbols, it's sickening."
"I'm sure he'll be ok, you're his brother, you'll be there for him." Chris put her arm around his shoulder and hugged him, feeling him trembling. Someday, when this all was over, she'd love to meet Nick's family...they definitely sounded like an interesting bunch.
"I haven't been in the past, why should I think I will be now." Nick shook her arms off and stood up, pacing the room. "My entire goddamn family was there. Everyone except me. Although they sure as hell mentioned me enough times." He stopped to stare out the window, looking at the fans lined up outside the hotel entrance below. "Why do I feel like my family's shut me out? All they want is to be able to say they're related to me, not have to actually be with me."
"You're on tour, Nick, even if you'd wanted to be there, you know you couldn't have been." Chris got up and joined him at the window, hugging him from behind, kissing his back through his shirt, trying to give him some comfort somehow. Whatever she was doing, it felt painfully inadequate. "I'm sure it's not intentional."
"I'm not so sure." With a soft cry he turned around and buried his head in her hair, his arms wrapping around her, clutching her to him. "Why do I feel like you're the only person in the world who cares about me anymore?"
"Nicky..." Chris held him tight, feeling her eyes fill with tears. Nick was loved by millions...why did he always end up feeling so alone? "I'm not the only one, you know that..."
"You're the only one here." He whispered softly, his hand rubbing the small of her back. "And I keep running you away."
"Me? Never." She smiled and relaxed in his arms, feeling his body press into hers. "Nobody can hug like you."
"Oh really?" He looked down at her and smiled, "I like to consider myself a master snuggler as well."
"Not bad, not bad." Chris led him to the bed and pushed him down on his back, settling in next to him. "Although a bit out of practice, I bet."
"Very out of practice," Nick nodded agreeably, his arm sliding around her waist, his leg sliding over hers, capturing her in place.
Chris reached up and brushed his hair away from his face, looking into his eyes. "I miss hanging out with you like this."
"Me too." He replied, one of his hands winding it's way through her hair, her head settling on his chest. He played with her hair, curling it around his finger, draping it across her face. "I miss our talks."
"Me too."
"Things just got weird for a while." He sighed, and pulled her closer to him. "I don't feel so alone when you're around."
"You're not alone, Nicky."
"Not when you're around." Nick smiled, and kissed her hair, breathing in deeply. "You make me feel so much better."
They lay curled up together, each listening to the other breathing, sleep taking both of them by surprise.
"Jesus, relax!" Nick shouted at the loud banging on the door. He carefully separated himself from Chris before getting out of bed, stubbing his toe as he went. "Ow." He opened the door with a frown, quickly turning into a smile when he saw who was on the other side. "Hey D, how ya doing?"
"Good, just checking on you, Nicky, when you didn't answer I got worried." Howie laughed, noticing the dark room inside. "But I guess you were sleeping, huh."
"Yeah," Nick smiled, rubbing his eyes. "Didn't mean to fall asleep, just did..."
"So we're meeting the girls in half an hour to see the show, want to do dinner after? Brian and Kevin should be back any minute too."
"You bet." Nick nodded. "I'm gonna take a shower and wake up first."
"Ok, see you soon."
Nick closed the door and made his way back to the bed, flopping down next to Chris. "Why did he have to wake us up now, if we're not meeting for another half an hour?"
"So you could shower, as you said." Chris pushed him away with a grin. "You could use one."
"Oh, are you saying I smell?" Nick poked at her, laughing. "I'm afraid not all of us can naturally smell as wonderful as you."
Chris shook her head, unable to keep from smiling. "I should go shower and wake up too."
"Shower's right there." Nick pointed.
"In my room, Nicky." Chris stood up, laughing at Nick's disappointed pout.
"Was worth a shot." He stood up and hugged her tight. "Thanks for being here today."
"I can truly say it was a pleasure. You are indeed a master snuggler." Chris grinned, reluctantly leaving his embrace. "I'll see you later."
"Hey," Chris walked into the suite, videotape in hand. The rest of the guys had already gathered and were waiting for her.
"Hello Nurse!" AJ called to Chris. "Some of the natives here have been getting restless waiting for you..."
"Just hungry," Nick grumbled, arms crossed over his chest.
"Ok," Chris put the tape in quickly, getting the feeling that something had happened before she arrived. She pressed play on the VCR and took a seat silently as the show started.
As Julia had warned her, the show began with a recap of Nick's relationship with her, showing what had happened between them on Saturday, from the teasing in her hotel room to the kiss he'd given her Saturday night. Nick winked at Chris when the kiss was on screen, her face flushing bright red in response.
Then followed a 'Howie' concert bit. They'd been doing one of these for each of the guys per show, and they were getting great viewer response from them. They'd pick one song, and edit footage of one guy together from a bunch of different nights. It was fun to see, for some of the guys their moves were identical night after night, and the cuts looked seamless. For others, it was hysterical, the changes they made in their routine from one show to the next. Which song also seemed to matter as well, they'd done this for each guy a couple times by now. This time it was Howie during Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely. For this one, you could tell they were cutting various nights together, but the differences weren't all that astounding. An arm in once place here, another there, his hair looking different there.
Next was a montage of practical jokes over the tour, followed by footage from the night hanging out at Chris' apartment, then the barbecue at Brian's the day before. AJ stood up for a bow when the screen showed him running off with Nick's bathing suit.
"Sit down, Bone," Nick growled.
"Watch the show, Nicky." AJ laughed, turning back to the tv.
On screen, Nick begged hopelessly for someone to throw him a towel, and then started to get out of the pool.
The entire room burst out laughing when they saw what Julia had done with the 'blue dot' necessary to cover Nick's nudity. The blue dot was no longer a dot, but a very large circle taking up about half of Nick's body. There was an arrow pointing to the blue circle labeled "LITTLE NICKY" in bubbly cursive.
Nick turned to glare at Chris, "You are NOT airing that."
Chris couldn't help but grin. "This one's all on Julia, I'm sorry I can't take credit."
"I'll be right back." Nick stood up and fled the room, no doubt heading to the production truck to kill Julia.
"Oh, she's in trouble." Brian cackled, watching the show continue to run on screen. "Little Nicky. Classic."
"Now I know why Julia sent me up here alone with the tape," Chris laughed.
On screen, the show wrapped with Brian yelling goodnight to everyone after the barbecue, waving at the cameras. "Goodnight America!"
Chris stood up and turned off the VCR, popping out the tape. She gestured towards the papers on the table, "you guys know what to do by now."
"You didn't use any of the footage from Friday night?" Howie looked at her in amazement.
"Of course not." Chris shook her head. "It was far too personal, we wouldn't do that to you."
"I thought you were going to air everything?" Brian asked.
"Yeah, but that was a bit much to put on television." Chris shrugged. "Julia and I figured not mentioning what happened to everyone would make the most sense."
"No more lies." AJ looked at Chris, eyes tired. "How will we explain Howie going to the doctor if they don't see what happened Friday night? We'll just end up telling more lies to cover for it, and we can't do that. Not to mention we still have that reporter on tour with us..."
"He'll smell something fishy in an instant tomorrow if we try to hide anything." Kevin pointed out. "We don't want the magazine article to turn into an expose of how the show hides what really happens."
"You have to air it." Howie's face was sad, resigned. "I talked it over with the shrink, even."
"Chris," Kevin put a hand on her arm reassuringly. "Thank you for trying to protect us. But we've had personal things made private before, and we knew what we were getting into when we agreed to do this show. Burying the footage...that can't really be sitting well with you, is it?"
Chris shook her head slowly. "Not entirely, but I couldn't imagine airing that...you know what people will think..." She looked around the room in shock. They really wanted the world to know what AJ had said to them? All of that...public knowledge?
"We all discussed this. It has to be done." Howie sighed. He'd had a whirlwind couple of days. Every moment he hadn't spent with the guys trying to repair the damage he'd done, he'd spent in the psychiatrist's office. It was exhausting, but mentally, he felt a thousand times better than he had three days before.
"Ok, I guess." She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "There's no way we could have that ready for tomorrow night, it's far too little time. But Howie, if you'd do some confessions with me this week, talk about what happened, maybe we can do this right?"
Howie nodded. "Whatever you think would work best."
Nick ran back into the room breathless, holding Julia's ponytail holder triumphantly. "Look what I got!"
Chris looked at Nick and started laughing again, "A scrunchie."
"Yup!" He plopped back into a seat at the table, looking around the room. "Show over?"
"You know she has about fifty of those, Nick." Chris giggled.
"Oh." Nick's face fell. "Can we go eat now, then?"
"Yes Nicky, we can go eat now." Brian laughed, standing up. "Oh, and that was definitely an Aaron moment."
"What's an Aaron moment?" Chris asked, her eyes growing wide when the room dissolved into laughter. "What??"
"You don't want to know, Chrissy." Kevin reassured her, pushing her out of the room.
"Come on, let's go get dinner."
"Come on, I want to know...."
"So exactly how much is Julia shrinking that blue dot now, Nick?" AJ joked.
"Shut up AJ."
"Aaron Moment, Nicky."
"Hey! That was called for!"
"What's an Aaron moment?"
**********************************************
A Day in the Life Of.. (Day 178) Lexington
Chris sat on the curb outside the arena, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the sun. She'd been unable to sleep last night, and had arrived at rehearsal early, beating even Fatima.
"Morning."
Chris turned her head to see a man walking up to her. She stared at him blankly for a second, before recognition hit, "Oh hi, you're Bill, from Time, right?"
He smiled and shook her hand. "Exactly. Sorry I haven't had a chance to speak with you yet, I've been trying to take in as much as possible."
"No problem."
"Got some time now?" Bill asked, looking at his watch.
"We have rehearsal soon, but I guess until everyone else shows up, sure." She shrugged and threw her cigarette butt into the gutter. "You want to talk here, or should we go inside?"
"Wherever you prefer."
Chris hugged her knees and looked around. "Out here, definitely, I don't get enough fresh air these days."
Bill turned on a tape recorder and placed it between the two of them. "It ok if I record this? I'll take notes, but I like having the tape for backup."
"No problem." Chris shrugged. "So what do you want to know?"
"What was your first thought when you heard about this series?"
"Oh my god." Chris smiled. "I was ecstatic, I knew it was going to be an amazing opportunity."
"Mike Riley tells me that he and Kevin pulled one over on you?"
"Yeah, sort of," she laughed. "They told me and Julia everything about the series, except who the band was. We didn't find that out until the moment we met Kevin."
"Then what did you think?"
"I was furious. The way I saw it at the time, he'd deceived me...the Backstreet Boys weren't just an ordinary band."
"And now?"
"No band is ordinary." Chris grinned. "Life on tour's life on tour, it's crazy. Period."
"How do you like touring?"
Chris smiled lightly. "It's different, alright, it's both wonderful and horrible at the same time, in a way."
"How so?"
"Tiring, painful, mentally exhausting, but a great deal of fun, and one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my life."
"Challenging is good?"
"Of course." Chris dug through her pockets and pulled out another cigarette. "Also, the whole thing is a totally new experience, which is great in and of itself."
"How are you getting along with the guys?"
"They're great, they're all really close friends of mine now." She lit her cigarette, looking into the distance. "It'll be weird when the tour ends."
"And Nick?"
"Nick's a very good friend."
"You know I interviewed Nick already." Bill looked at her carefully.
"I'm sure he said the same thing."
Bill nodded slowly. "He did. The exact same words, in fact."
Chris couldn't help but chuckle quietly. She was handling reporters like the pro's now, huh. "We can almost read each others' mind at times, it doesn't surprise me we'd phrase things the same way."
"I saw Howie leaving the hotel early again this morning, did something happen with him?" Bill asked quickly, giving up on the other line of questioning.
She froze. "You're going to have to ask Howie about that." Bill would have to be told about the events of Friday night, otherwise he'd see it when it ran on the show in a week and feel like he'd been shut out. But Howie should be the one to tell him, in his own way.
"Another openin, another show," AJ sang as he walked up to them. "Morning Chris, Bill."
"Morning." Chris stood up and stretched. "I guess that means everyone else is here by now, huh."
"Yeah, they're parking the van." AJ waved. "They'll be here in a sec."
"You watching the rehearsal?" Chris asked Bill.
He nodded, "Time to see what you guys can do on stage."
"We burn it up, you'll see." AJ laughed, pushing Chris into the door. "Let's go, Chrissy, time to work."
"Yes, Bone."
*********************************************
Rehearsal went without incident, Fatima as pleased as she would ever be with their dancing.
"Lunch?" Kevin asked the group when they were finally done, seated on the side of the stage. He was clearly making an effort to hang out with everyone again, try to fix some of the damage he'd done by withdrawing from them as much as he had over the past few months.
Nick nodded enthusiastically. "Yes please."
"Back at the hotel?" Howie asked hopefully. He wanted to avoid any run-ins with fans for as long as possible. He could probably appear all right on the stage tonight, but at a close distance, anyone could see his eyes were still puffy and red, and his skin was dull and pale. He had all the classic signs of someone who wasn't sleeping.
"Probably easiest." Brian offered.
"I was wondering if you'd let me take you out to lunch, actually." Bill said to Howie softly. "I'd been hoping to get a chance to speak with you."
Howie looked at the reporter. He'd known this moment would be coming, where he'd have to explain what had happened over the weekend, why they'd shut the man out. He just wished it didn't have to come so soon. "Ok."
"We can expense it, go somewhere nice." Bill smiled, following Howie out of the arena.
"Back to the hotel for the rest of us, then." Nick stood up, gesturing wildly for the others to follow. "Come on, I'm hungry, let's go."
They made their way back to the hotel and settled into their suite, room service menus all around.
"Every hotel has the same thing, just different labels on the menu." AJ groaned, throwing the menu across the room.
"Let me guess, beer, burger, fries." Chris joked, batting the menu away.
"Why not." He sat down on the couch and lit a cigarette. "Cholesterol's good for the heart, right?"
"That's bad for the heart, Bone." Nick sat down next to him, making an exaggerated show of coughing from the smoke. "Like bad for your lungs."
"Whatever, man."
"So you ever gonna tell us what happened with Amanda?" Brian asked AJ pointedly. "We're working our way through each of the bombshells you dropped on us Friday night. Everyone except you, that is. What happened?"
AJ shrugged. "You know Amanda always has a tendency to act on the angry side, well, the cameras being around, those just seemed to bring out the worst in her. We'd been fighting before, but once they were there...either she'd get off on them being there, or she'd obsess over them. There was no happy medium. I'd hoped that we'd get along in the Caribbean...finally get a chance to kick back and get back to the way things were. Instead all we did was avoid talking to each other."
"I thought you guys spent the whole time in the Caribbean in bed?" Kevin asked.
"We did." AJ nodded. "You don't have to talk in bed. Any time we tried to have an actual conversation all we would do is argue. Sex we could do though, so we just did a lot of that."
"You don't seem too upset about it?" Brian said softly.
AJ took off his sunglasses, twirled them around in his hands. "I think I'm just numb. Everything's taken on a surreal quality, and that's just another part of it. So much has been happening that just shouldn't be, ya know? None of us are acting right."
"That's true." Brian agreed.
"I think if I still haven't fixed things with Amanda by the time we all get our heads on straight again, then it's going to hit me, and hard. But right now, everything's so fucked up...."
Nick looked at AJ, eyes wide. "How do we get everything back to normal?"
"By coming clean." AJ looked at Chris as he said the words, hoping she'd understand why they needed to do what they were doing. "By airing everything, we're forcing ourselves to be honest with each other. Because from now on, if we lie, the public will catch us."
"You know your mother's going to kill me." Chris told AJ, her face grim.
AJ shook his head. "She'll understand. Maybe not as our tour PR guru, but as tour mom she'll understand why we're doing this."
"And Howie?" Kevin asked.
"Howie's doing much better. He's trying the best he can, which is all we can ask from anyone."
"I still can't believe it all got so bad without anyone knowing." Brian mumbled, his head in his hands.
"I knew." AJ reminded him. "You're upset you're not the one who knew."
Brian's head jerked up to glare at AJ. "Well, yeah! With good reason! I mean, come on AJ, you could have handled the whole situation a little better."
"Brian, AJ, don't argue about this, it's silly, what's done is done." Chris said softly, putting a hand on Brian's shoulder.
"No, lets," Brian shrugged off her hand, standing up. "I can't help but feel almost like we were all set up by AJ, after all, next week's episode is going to be one hell of a show.."
"You know I'd never do that." AJ hissed, eyes narrowed. "I HAD to do something, so I did it the only way I knew how!"
"You kept everything to yourself so you had to be the one to do something." Brian snorted, shaking his head. "You forced yourself into it. Why AJ? You had to be the hero?"
"Why not? I'm never the fucking hero. I'm always the tattooed freak, right? The hero, that's you, our darling Saint Brian. The preacher boy, perfect Brian." AJ's voice was hard.
"Bone, calm down," Nick put an arm around AJ's shoulders. He couldn't stand to hear his friends fighting like this, not after everything they'd been through...
"Get off me, Nicky," AJ stood up. "This is between me and Brian, right?"
Brian stared at AJ through hurt eyes. "I don't think I understand what 'this' is."
"I said on Friday night that every single one of us had something making us nuts here, and that includes you, Brian." He gestured to him with the sunglasses in his hands for emphasis. "This is where we face Brian's problem. Brian cannot admit that anyone has any problems except those he has a direct hand in fixing. If he doesn't know about it, it doesn't exist, right? Just face it, B-Rok, you need to play the savior. Tell me, what upset you most about Friday night?" AJ looked at Brian closely, knowing he'd hit a nerve when he saw the Brian's eyelid twitch. "Was it concern for your friends, or knowing you'd been shut out? Knowing you didn't know what was going on."
Nick gasped, remembering his conversation with Brian Friday night. "B, he's right, you know..."
Brian sat back down on the couch with a groan, staring at the floor. "So what? Does that make me an awful person?"
"No, Brian," Kevin came to his cousin's rescue, sitting down next to him, arm around his shoulder. "But it means you need to realize you can't solve the problems of all of us alone. We need to do this together, and you can't always know everything that's going on with everyone."
"I just couldn't believe I didn't know...." Brian's eyes were filled with tears as he leaned into his cousin's embrace. "I always knew..."
"I know, Brian, I know," Kevin hugged him tight.
"Do you see how we all used you as a crutch?" AJ continued softly. "If you didn't know there was a problem, we all convinced ourselves there wasn't one. We can't do that."
Brian nodded as he looked around the room, catching everyone's gaze. "I'm so sorry."
"You didn't do anything wrong!" Nick insisted, getting up to hug his best friend. "Frick, there's nothing wrong with wanting to help."
Brian hugged his friend tight, "I just need to know my friends are ok."
"We won't shut you out, I swear Brian." Nick promised.
"None of us will."
"Ever again."
*******************************************************
A Day in the Life Of... (Day 179) Lexington - Louisville
Despair: Dreams. What are Dreams? Dreams are nothing, my brother. Dream: Dreams are "nothing," sister? Without dreams there could be no Despair.*
Confession footage, Howie Dorough, Day 179
"Heya Howie." Chris' voice from off camera is friendly, soft. She knows how hard this session is going to be, but it's something they all know has to be done. "You ready?"
Howie sits down, looks at the floor through narrowed eyes. "Ready as I'll ever be."
"So Howie. Friday night."
He looks up at the camera and nods slowly. "Right. Friday night AJ caught me taking sleeping pills."
"Why had you been taking the pills?"
"I had been taking the sleeping pills because I was afraid to sleep. See, ever since my sister died, I've had these horrible nightmares. I knew I didn't want to have a nightmare while the cameras were here, that would be far too private, ya know? But the only way I knew to keep myself from having the nightmares was to use the sleeping pills. And I was running out. So I'd been doing a one night on/one night off thing, I wouldn't sleep one night, sleep the next, to conserve the pills. AJ caught me on one of those nights where I was going to sleep."
"What did AJ do?"
"AJ kinda had it out with all of us. He pointed out how much we've been hiding from each other for the sake of the cameras. He was right about it all too, every single one of us has been pulling some kind of wool over on the others. It hurt to hear it all put so bluntly like that, but he was right to do it, otherwise it would have just gotten worse. And the way he did it, at least we had a weekend to recover." Howie takes a sip of water, runs his hand through his loose hair. "I guess I had more help recovering over the weekend than the rest of you, but you know what I mean."
"What do you mean by help?"
"I saw a psychiatrist a lot over the weekend, and we'll be continuing treatment over the phone. Helped a lot, this was the first time I actually felt like I could talk to a shrink."
"What was so different?"
"Well, the last time I went to a shrink, for the sleeping pills? All that guy was concerned with was how I felt, how I would be feeling, what was in my mind. He drove me kinda nuts. This guy, the one Brian found? He was really cool. Instead of harping on feelings and emotions, he got down to what mattered, ya know? How am I going to sleep at night without having nightmares. And that's what we talked about."
"Have you been able to sleep without nightmares without the pills?"
Howie shakes his head slowly, sighs. "Not yet. But my doc says that every night I do have a nightmare, I'm just that much closer to getting rid of them forever. And I'm learning all sorts of ways to control your dreams, so soon I'll just take over my nightmares altogether." He smiles. "Turn the nightmare into a great dream."
"When you figure out how to do that, let me know." Chris can't help but say it.
"I know you have nightmares too." Howie looks off camera at her, his eyes sympathetic. "My doc, I bet he'd talk to you over the phone?"
"I'll be ok. Back to you, Howard..."
He laughs. "Nobody calls me that except Fatima, and only when she's mad at me."
"Sorry. Anyway, you sound a lot better than you have in a while."
"I feel a lot better than I have in a while. I gotta thank AJ, if it wasn't for him smacking us all around like that I'd still be trying not to sleep, driving myself nuts."
"So that's it, you're healed?"
"Not quite Chris, you know it's not that simple." He smiles wryly. "As I said, I'm still having the nightmares, and they're still terrible, awful things. It's also one hell of a struggle to get my butt in bed every night. But I'm trying, and going one day at a time. Which is more than I could have said for myself last week."
"One day at a time, then."
"Yeah. My shrink put it best...it's very easy to stop smoking, to stop taking sleeping pills, to stop anything. The hard part is to stay stopped."
Chris laughs lightly off camera. "Yeah, I've tried to stop smoking a few times now."
"Not hard at first, right?"
"Not at all."
Howie looks into the camera, sighs. "I know the hard part is yet to come. But I'm ready, and I have all my friends helping me through it. I'll make it, I know I will."
"You will Howie, you will."
*Neil Gaiman, Fables and Reflections
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