A Day in the Life Of.. Day 46 (Boston)
"Hey baby, where were you yesterday?" AJ grabbed Chris in a tight hug as she joined him backstage before the concert.
"Did a girl day," she waved her fresh manicure in his face. "See my nails?"
"Looks sweet, Chris." He grinned. "We didn't know if you were still recovering from the massive alcohol intake on Halloween."
"Bah, I may be a lightweight, but I can keep down what I drink." She tugged on her halter top. This costume always felt so small and tight. "Julia tells me Amanda's here?"
"Yup, she's off talking with Leighanne right now." Not the slightest reaction.
"Chris!" Brian came over to hug her when he spotted her talking to AJ. "How are you?"
He looked deep into her eyes, leaving her to wonder what Nick had told him. "Fine. The day off did me wonders."
"Good." He hugged her again. "Remember the routine? 2 days off..."
She laughed. "Unfortunately, Brian, 2 days isn't quite that long."
Chris did indeed remember every bit of the routine on stage that night. She didn't see Nick until he was standing right behind her, hand on her hip for the start of the song. "Hi," she whispered.
"Hi." A gruff reply, without his usual 'good luck,' before the lights came up and they started dancing. Nick normally drove the girls in the audience nuts with the amount of affection he showed towards Chris, but tonight he was emotionless, going through the moves by motor memory, nothing else. When he pushed her down at the end of the song, it was as if he was happy to be doing it, a look on his face she'd never seen before. Howie was barely able to catch her before she hit the floor, Nick shoved her so hard.
Chris made her way off the stage and went back to the hotel immediately, she didn't see any need to hang around the arena until the guys were done.
Back in her hotel room, she ordered room service, and channel flipped until she found a decent movie on TV. Kevin Spacey and Russell Crowe, LA Confidential. Just what the doctor ordered. A half-bottle of wine with her dinner later, and she was more relaxed than she'd been in weeks. The day before doing nothing, the wine, the dim lights in the room, she was feeling really good. A shuffling sound near her door caught her ear, and she got up to investigate.
She pulled open the door to find Nick standing on the other side. "Nick?" He was staring at the ground, refusing to look up. She pulled him into her room and sat him down on the bed. "Nick, look at me, what's wrong?"
Nick turned his head to look in her eyes, and she fought every urge to grab him in a tight hug, his behavior earlier tonight had made that seem kind of inappropriate. His eyes were red and swollen, he'd clearly been crying. "I didn't know where else to go," she could see his lower lip trembling, "I called Mandy."
"Oh, Nick..." she grabbed his hand off the bed and squeezed it, still resisting the hug impulse. She didn't know if she could take it if Nick broke down in front of her. "What happened?"
"I was just feeling so lonely...I wasn't going to call her." He pulled Chris' hand towards him, his arms encircling her body. "Please, just hold me."
Chris' arms instinctively went around Nick, her head buried in his neck. "Tell me what happened."
Nick began rocking slightly, holding Chris, as he told the story. "I called my family first. I really wanted to talk to Aaron. I'd been thinking lately, about how I grew up. How weird it was...I wanted to keep the same thing from happening to Aaron. But I can't stop it, it's already happening, and mom's all scared about what I'm going to say to him. She says he's too young to know this stuff. She doesn't understand that he's out there, he's seeing it....she can't protect him as well as she thinks she can." He let out a ragged sigh. "Anyway, I didn't get to talk to Aaron."
"Not home?"
"Practicing, mom told me. It was what, 9pm in California when I called? What the fuck was he practicing." Nick's arms tightened around Chris. "So I gave up, hung up on her."
"Then what happened?" The arm of his t-shirt cut off right where his tattoo circled his arm, and she traced a line around the edge.
Nick shuddered and moved away slightly. "I called Mandy."
"Why, though?"
"I wanted a girlfriend, someone to talk to about stuff like this," his voice nearly a whisper. "I thought, I dunno, maybe...maybe we could. I was wrong. I'm ALWAYS wrong." He looked up at the ceiling, clearly fighting tears again. "I do this every few months or so, go crawling back to her, just to realize it's a mistake. I don't mean to, just...I miss what we had."
Chris hugged him tight, her hand massaging his back. "Nick, you'll find it again, it doesn't have to be with Mandy."
He laughed. A horrible, sarcastic laugh made for a man twice his age, the laugh of someone who knew exactly how hard it is to find someone. "Right, because I'm Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy." A lone tear escaped and made its way down his cheek.
"No, Nick." Chris wanted so desperately to just take his pain away, make everything right. "Because you're Nickolas Gene Carter period. Because you're this wonderfully sweet, loving man who will make any woman extremely happy. A lot of women out there just happen to already know that." She grinned. "That's doesn't make them wrong."
"They don't know who I am." He shook his head. "Fans, they don't care about that. They don't want me to be ME, they want me to be Nicky Carter, the blond Backstreet Boy who's dating Britney Spears or some crock of shit."
"I think you seriously underestimate your fans, Nick." Chris said softly. "The show's been on the air for 2 months now, I think they're getting a pretty good idea of who you are."
"I don't know if they like what they're seeing." He sounded like a scared little boy. "What if they don't like the real me?"
"Nick, they can't help but love you. You're infectious." She kissed his forehead. "You're a wonderful person, Nick, don't ever doubt that."
Nick pulled her back onto the bed and curled up with her in his arms. "I'm sorry if I was mean to you today, I don't know what got into me. You know I need you."
"Don't worry about it," Chris nuzzled the side of his neck, her head comfortable on his shoulder. "All's forgiven."
They lay in silence for a while, Nick massaging Chris' back, until she was nearly asleep. "Chris?"
"I should turn the light off, huh." She got up to switch off the light before snuggling back into his arms.
"How do you know when you're in love?"
"I'm told you just know." She said quietly.
"You've never been in love?"
"I thought I was once, but apparently I was wrong."
"Wrong?"
Chris smiled wistfully. "I'm one of those big romantics, Nick, I'm still hoping for that one love of a lifetime."
"Me too, Chrissy. That's real."
"Yeah, that's real."
She kissed his neck, brushed his hair off his forehead, "Good night, Nicky."
"Sweet dreams, Chrissy."
*********************************************************
A Day in the Life Of.. Day 49 (Boston - Burlington)
"We gotta talk, Chris." Julia made her way to the back of the truck, where Chris was reviewing the partial edit's for the week's show.
"Sure," Chris pushed some papers off the stool next to her. "What's up?"
"We need to do a Nicky show."
Chris nodded, turned back to the screen in front of her. "Sure, why's that a problem?"
"You're a big part of the Nicky show." She pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered Chris one.
Chris stared at the cigarette, "Why are you treating this like horrible news? You're right, it's time we did a Nick show."
"You're going to need to ask the guys in confessions about Nick."
"I'm fine with that, Julia, I've been doing it with everyone else, remember?"
"Yeah, but this is Nick, Chris, you can't keep pretending it doesn't matter."
"I can, and I will, because it's true." Chris sighed. "You see every word Nick and I say to each other, we don't disappear into the bathroom."
Julia flinched as if she'd been hit.
Chris hugged her friend, "I'm sorry Julia, I didn't mean that the way it sounded."
"That's ok, just...Amanda being here has been tough." Julia confided. "I thought I didn't care about AJ, I really didn't...but seeing him with her was weird. They didn't use the bathroom either."
"You're kidding me?"
"I think Amanda got off on it, they managed to arrange it so you don't see any nudity, but damn, they're going at it alright."
"Lovely."
Julia sighed. "Ok, so next week will be the Nick story. We're still set for Brian and Leighanne this week, and I guess we should throw in Amanda and AJ." "Why not just do a girlfriend show? Kristen was here a few weeks ago, we didn't use that yet, did we?"
"That works. But I want to save the Nick talking about Mandy stuff for next week."
"Julia, he poured his heart out to me that night, do you really feel right airing it?"
"You aired Howie's heartbreak with no problem, Chris, where's your objectivity. The only reason you have a problem with this is because it's Nick. Get over it," her voice became harsh.
"Howie broke down in confession, not in my bedroom at 2am. It's different."
"Do you think you can get Nick to say the same stuff in confession?"
"You know he won't."
"Then we're using it. Don't argue me on this, Chris." Julia warned. "I will fight you to the brass on it, and this is one argument you don't want them knowing we had. It doesn't look good, you all concerned about little Nicky Carter."
Chris glared at Julia. "What has gotten into you?"
"Nothing, sorry." Julia quickly apologized. "I just wish AJ and I had something more like what you and Nick do."
"Relationships can change, Julia."
"Yeah, they can, Chris."
*********************************************************
A Day in the Life Of.. Day 52 (Burlington - Manchester)
- Brian Littrell, Confession Footage, Day 52
"Any scheduled topic for today, or are we wingin' it?" Brian sits down, looks at the camera, makes a funny face.
"Actually, today's topic is Nick."
"Nick." A hesitant look at the camera. "You want to talk about Nicky?"
"Yup."
"What about?"
"Nick seems to confide in you, what's been going on with him lately?"
"Best way to explain it, Nicky's growing up. He's discovering what it's like not to want to be a child anymore, to want to be taken seriously. He's feeling the emotions adults do, but he's used to acting like a kid."
"Adult emotions?"
"His family, his relationship with Mandy, it's all taking it's toll on him. He's learning what, and who, he really wants in his life, but it's not easy."
"What happened with him and Mandy?"
"Oh jeep Chris, I can't go there, you know he'd kill me." A look at her. "You know that."
"I had to try, otherwise certain people would have my hide," In apology. "What's your relationship with Nick like?"
"He's my little brother and my best friend. I love him, and it kills me to see him hurt, but growing up like this is part of life, ya know? He has to love and lose a few more times yet, I don't think he quite gets that."
"What do you mean?"
"You don't bat .500 your first up, ya know? You fall in and out a few times before you meet the right girl."
"Like you and Leighanne."
"Precisely."
"But what about Kevin and Kristen? They went back to each other."
"They still had the experience apart. It's important. If you don't know what's out there, you'll always wonder. Nicky's so busy trying to fall in love, he's forgetting to look at what else is there. Being around me and Kev can't help much. He's too young to get married, he shouldn't be worrying about being a lonely old man."
"Do you think that's what he's worried about?"
"I know it is." A sigh, a shake of his head. "Nick's so worried that if he doesn't find his girl now and stake his claim, she won't be there when he needs her. It's so sad, he should just be having fun, enjoying his life. Instead he's scared that he's a fat pop star who no woman wants for more than a night. It's the Nicky cycle, I guess, he'll meet someone else soon enough and all will be right with the world."
Silence.
"Chris?"
"Sorry, trying to think of another question."
"Asking me about Nick is hard, huh."
"Yeah."
"Why don't you ask me about you and Nick?" Brian looks at the camera.
"Should I?" Her voice, very hesitant.
"Do you want to know?"
A long pause. "No. Not like this."
End Confession footage.
*********************************************************
"What the HELL did you think you were doing, Chris?" Julia slammed the coffee cups onto the table in front of her.
"What are you talking about?" Chris' head was slumped on the table. She was exhausted. The two women had been up all night editing the show together, she'd had to get up early to do the confession with Brian on the road, and now she had the concert tonight.
"Brian was ready to tell you how Nick felt about you, and you shut him up."
"I'm not part of the story."
"Oh yes you are, Chris." Julia pointed to the coffee. "Drink, you have to dance soon."
"Thanks for the reminder." She gulped down some of the coffee. "It just felt too invasive. Brian wouldn't tell me about Mandy...the only reason he was going to tell me about Chris, was because I'm Chris. That's wrong."
"I don't understand you. I've known you for 3 years, and I've always known you to act like a very ethical reporter, but ALWAYS focused on the story. The story comes first, remember? Now you're throwing all of that out in favor of a 20 year old kid. It's not right, and it's just not like you, Chris."
"It's just common decency." She insisted. "I wouldn't have made any of the guys talk."
"Brian offered."
"I don't know why he did that, and I don't want to know either." Chris finished her coffee and stood up. "I have to go to makeup early tonight, they need to try to fix this mess on my face." She pointed to the black bags that had developed due to lack of sleep.
"Ok." Julia stood up. "Oh, wait, Chris?"
"Yup?"
"Your birthday's coming up, isn't it." Julia grinned, a gleam in her eye. "Let me throw a party?"
"It's Sunday, but Julia, I don't know. I'm not much in a party mood, you know? All I really want to do lately is sleep, I seem to be getting far too little of it."
"You can sleep all day on your birthday, all you'll have is the concert that night, then whatever fun we'll plan. Ok?"
"Yeah, ok."
A Day in the Life Of Day 58 (Chicago)
Chris was waiting around backstage for her turn to come. Earlier tonight, she'd screened the "Nicky Episode" for everyone. She'd fought tooth and nail with Julia over the piece, insisting that they try to retain some element of Nick's privacy. What resulted crossed a line to her, but made MTV happy. As for Nick, he only gave her a hurt look when he signed the paper consenting to the episode. She felt like she let her little brother down.
"Chris, your turn," she was called to the stage.
As always, she made her way into the darkness and took her spot on stage, waiting to feel Nick's hand behind her. He came up and squeezed her gently, "Good luck," same as ever. When the lights came up though, instead of starting the routine, he grabbed Chris in a bear hug, swung her over his shoulder, and walked to the front of the stage. She could hear Kevin yelling at the band to stop. She was trying very hard not to squirm, but Nick was very tall, and she felt like she was very high, "Nicky, put me down." She grabbed his hair, trying to look up.
"Ok," He put her down, where she found herself surrounded by the guys in a half-circle on stage.
Brian put an arm around her shoulders while he spoke. "Chris, we just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, and tell you how much we love you, and everything you're doing for us. You're here doing a job, but you've become a friend. Thank you." He hugged her tight, and handed her a wrapped present and card. The rest of the guys followed suit, with Nick picking her up off the ground again as he hugged her.
"Check it out, Chrissy," Nick grabbed her hand and pointed towards the audience. Everywhere she could see there were "Happy Birthday Chrissy" signs (among the few scattered "Kiss her, Nick!" ones that had been cropping up lately), girls waving at her, yelling happy birthday, throwing flowers to the stage for her.
"Oh wow," Chris' eyes filled with tears. Now she understood why the guys loved being on tour. This was amazing.
"Nothing like it in the world, right?" Nick looked down at her and hugged her close, eliciting screams from the arena.
"Nothing else like it," she breathed, staring out at the thousands of fans. She watched, awestruck, as the guys led the entire arena in singing 'Happy Birthday.' When it was over, tears were streaming down her face, and she kissed every single one of the guys smack on the mouth, not caring what it looked like. "Thank you, every one of you."
"Now, we have a song to do, don't we?" Kevin hollered.
Chris stowed her presents off to the side of the stage, and proceeded to dance her butt off.
*********************************************************
"So fun party?" Julia and Chris were back at her room, slightly tipsy from the dinner, but none worse for the wear.
"Fun night, being on stage at the arena like that was incredible." Chris was still breathless from the experience. She was on stage every night, but she ran onstage and off while the lights were off, she never really had a chance to actually stand there and look out before.
"I'm glad you had fun." Julia hugged Chris. "Not to run off on your birthday, but...I promised AJ I'd stop by."
"You're not..." Chris grabbed her friend's hand.
"No, don't worry about it. That's over." She shook her head.
"Good."
After Julia left, Chris looked at the various unopened cards and presents on her bed. She hadn't had a chance to open any of them yet, well, except AJ's, but he'd opened it himself begging her to model it for him. "It" of course, being a slinky little Victoria's Secret teddy she didn't see herself having much use for anytime in the near future.
She picked up the package in teddy bear wrapping and picked off the card. Had to be Nick. Opening the card, she found a black and white picture on the front of a little boy holding up a bouquet of yellow daisies. The inside was blank, but Nick had written:
Chrissy,
I never can find the right words to say what I feel, so I gotta keep this short before I say something stupid. All I know is you've been there for me when nobody else has been. Thank you.
And since I can't say it right, I think Dream described his big sister best, "I walk by her side and the darkness lifts from my soul. I walk with her, and I hear the gentle beating of mighty wings."
Happy Birthday.
Love,
Nick
Chris stared at the card, tears in her eyes. It was so sweet, so simple, so...perfect. And the quote of Dream describing Death had long been one of her favorites, it had been her signoff in irc for years. Nick couldn't have known that, could he?
Sliding a fingernail underneath the wrapping paper, she carefully unwrapped her present from Nick. The wrapping was clearly done in a store, she wondered when he had the time to get to a store without her knowing. Inside she found a black velvet jewelry box. Opening it up, she found a pair of silver ankh earrings. "Oh, they're beautiful, Nicky," she whispered to herself, admiring them.
She went through the rest of the presents with less caution. She got a set of Kevin Spacey DVD's from Kevin (who had always thought her love for Kevin Spacey was a little strange), a Game Boy Color and a ton of games from Howie, a discman of her very own from Julia (so she could stop stealing hers), and a CD box set of Beethoven's Symphonies from Brian (Julia had told him about the discman).
Looking around at the boxes around her, she couldn't believe her own life. Who would have thought it? Back in August, all of what, 3 months ago? If someone had told her she'd be considering the Backstreet Boys family, and dreading the end of the tour, she would have told them they were nuts.
How things, change, huh.
*********************************************************
A Day in the Life Of.. Day 68 (Chicago - Milwaukee)
Chris headed into the arena, her tearaways and fancy schmancy sports bra on, feeling like an old tour pro. She was learning how to get by on less than 4 hours of sleep and caffeine, how to ignore Elaine's presence, and here she was waltzing into rehearsal late. Not intentionally late, though, she'd done a confession with Kevin on the way over that had run long. It was a heartbreaking session about fidelity and how hard it is to remain faithful. It astounded her sometimes exactly how much the guys were opening up to her, and it scared her that she could be taking advantage of their friendship.
Kevin swore he was alright with it, and hugged Chris one last time as a reminder before they joined the rest of the guys on stage for the rehearsal.
"And where have you two been?" AJ eyed the two. "Chrissy, you really shouldn't wear such tight clothes around me, I could lose control..."
Chris smacked AJ away as he made a grab for her pants. "Down, AJ. Amanda's here, I'm sure she'll take care of you," she grinned.
"Not the same, baby, not the same." AJ said wistfully, giving Chris one last look up and down.
"Ready to dance, children?" Fatima called them to the front of the stage, laughing.
"Yeah, mom." AJ bounded over, his energy endless.
They reworked the steps to account for the smaller stage, ran through the number a few times, and were done without incident.
"I think I'm actually getting used to this," Chris remarked to Kevin as they headed back to the hotel for showers before the show.
"To touring?"
"Yeah." Chris nodded. "As long as you realize you will never have enough sleep, and accept that, you're ok."
"That's the trick, alright," he sat back and watched the city go by outside. "Chris? How do you feel about Nick?"
She looked at him, eyes wide. "Nicky? What do you mean? He's like the little brother I never had, except I already have a brother...you know what I mean."
Kevin nodded solemnly. "That's what I thought."
"Why...?"
"Nevermind."
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A Day in the Life Of Day 74 (Madison)
- AJ McLean, Confessional footage, Day 74
"Bless me father, for I have sinned..." AJ falls to his knees in front of the camera.
Laughter from off camera. "Get up, you nut."
"I'm here for my confession, Father Chrissy." He adjusts himself, sits back on the couch. "Unless you want to pray to my altar..."
A groan. "That's so bad it's just wrong, AJ."
"Yeah, but it sounded good."
"So tell me, on tour, how do you have a good time?"
"Go out to a club, go dancing, partay with my honey, the usual."
"What's going out to a club, going dancing like?"
"Sometimes it's great, it really depends all on where we go. Sometimes I can totally relax and just be myself, hang out and chill. Other times we have to stick to 'VIP sections,' and the only people I get to talk to are people I've already talked to and don't want to talk to anymore."
"Ever party with the fans?"
"Sure, who hasn't at least a couple of times, it's part of the whole experience, right? Not exactly something I would say I'm proud of, but I can't deny it either. I still like to chill with fans who are cool I meet in a bar or something, met some cool people that way. Nothing nasty about it."
"So a fan at home thinking, 'I want to be AJ's friend,' could have a shot?"
"If they meet under the right conditions, I guess anyone has a shot at becoming friends, right?"
"Who are your favorite people to party with?"
"My woman's number one, of course..." he jumps up, "Ain't no party like a Backstreet party cuz a Backstreet party don't stop!" He sits back down.
Laughter off screen. "You were saying?"
"Parties, yeah. Well, let's see. The guys, of course, Nicky drunk is such entertainment, we could sell tickets, and Howie can be quite the party animal when he's in the right mood. I've discovered you're quite the fun drunk as well, Chrissy," he lifts his sunglasses up to peer out at Chris.
"How are you drunk?"
"I'm always hot, baby."
"AJ..."
He looks at the camera, his face becomes serious. "I guess I'm ok. I do stupid things sometimes."
"What do you mean?"
"Everyone does it, things they do drunk they wouldn't do sober."
"You have a tendency to do that?"
"I've just been known to have some serious lapses in judgment while drunk. Girls I shouldn't have been with, stuff like that."
"How often do you drink?"
"I don't drink very much, probably a couple of times a week or less. And I don't get drunk every time I drink, I can hold a lot of liquor so, it takes me a while."
"What's your drink?"
"All depends on my mood. Beer, liquor, shots, whatever's open. All a matter of what's on tap for the night."
"You feel differently depending on what you're drinking?"
"Of course, that's why you drink that pink girly crap you do. Drink's gotta fit the man."
"Fuzzy Navel, then?"
"Har har." AJ made a face for the camera. "Isn't your time up?"
- End Confession Footage
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