“How about lunch, starlight?” A.J. asked me as he walked out of the studio and met me in the hall.
“Sounds wonderful,” I answered, smiling at him.
It had been three days since Nick and I had argued about having a child. There was suddenly a distance between us that hadn’t been there since he had found out about my health. My heart was heavy with that but I couldn’t bring myself to force him anymore. Not yet anyway.
A.J. and I drove to a little outdoor café and settled down for lunch. There was no mention of why Nick wasn’t with us.
“So you want to tell me about it?” he asked, sliding his sunglasses off and looking at me directly with his beautiful brown eyes.
“Will you turn away from me the way Nick did if I do? Because if you do then I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered, watching him.
“Riley, I’m never going to turn away from you. What’s wrong?”
“I want to have a baby,” I admitted it, watching a child at a nearby table as she laughed at something her father did.
“Can you? I mean can you physically carry a baby to term?” A.J. asked, gently.
“I don’t think so. Physically its not something my body could handle anymore because of the changes do to the tumor.”
“So what’s wrong? How can you even think of this when you don’t believe you can carry a baby?”
“Because we could get a surrogate, a woman to carry the baby. It’ll be my egg and his sperm but someone else to carry the child to term,” I explained, looking at him with pleading eyes. I needed someone to understand.
“Why do you want this so much?”
“Because I want to know some part of me will never die, that I will always be here. I want to create a person with Nick’s smile and with my eyes and a perfect combination of us.” My voice dropped to a whispered and I looked away. “Because I want Nick to have a reason not to give up when I die.”
“So you think a baby will keep him from dying of a broken heart?”
“I think our baby will remind him of the magic we have and how it will never fade. I want Nick to always have a physical part of me, A.J. Plus this is it for me. This is my last dream that I have left to make come true. I want to leave this life knowing I made all my dreams come true.
For the first time since telling the others I was going to die I felt tears burn my eyes. Tears, they were something I had given up, had decided they were a waste of my precious time. They were there though, burning my eyes and blurring my vision.
“Riley? Riley, are you crying? Oh God! Riley, what’s wrong? What is it?” A.J. asked, the fear and panic in his voice. He shoved his chair back and rounded the table to kneel beside me.
“I’m fine, A.J. I’m fine,” I soothed, touching his face as I smiled gently.
“Riley, you don’t cry,” he stated, holding my hand and watching me.
“I do when I’m scared and right now I’m terrified,” I confessed.
A.J. drove me back to the studio after that. I no longer had the urge to eat and he needed to get to work anyway.
He stopped the car in the parking lot and looked at me.
“Have you thought about who you want to carry this baby?” he asked, softly.
“There’s only one person I know to ask. Pollyanna,” I answered.
Since Nick and I had returned home from our honeymoon Polly and I had become great friends. She was a remarkable person and every inch the woman Howie claimed she was. She was the only person in my life I trusted enough to ask so much of. She was as important to me as A.J. was. They were my best friends.
“Have you considered asking Pollyanna how she would feel?” A.J. asked. “If she’s the only one you trust then before you push this with Nick maybe you should find out if Polly would even be willing to do it.”
“I hadn’t considered that,” I admitted.
“Think about it,” he said as we walked inside.
I stopped outside the studio window and watched my husband inside. He had Brian in a headlock and was laughing. Smiling, I touched the glass between us. Such a tiny barrier, but a barrier nonetheless. The thought of a child had created one between us as well. That was exactly what I didn’t want. What I wanted was a child to keep us together forever.
Nick looked up suddenly. Smiling, he let go of Brian and walked toward the glass. He raised his hand and placed it opposite mine.
“I love you,” I said, even knowing he couldn’t hear the words.
“Love you more,” he answered though I could only read his lips.
“Jeez, you two are so mushy,” A.J. groaned from behind me.
I smiled and walked into the studio and into Nick’s arms. He pulled me to him and kissed me passionately. When he pulled away he was grinning wildly.
“I missed you today,” he said, brushing my hair back.
“No, you must have been too busy singing all your love songs,” I teased, smiling up at him.
“I’m only singing for you, goldie locks.”
“Sing for me forever?” I asked, looking into his eyes.
“Forever and a day, every note, every song, ever melody will always be for you, Riley.”
“If you two don’t know off the mushy stuff we are going to lock you out,” Brian warned, smiling at us.
“Jealous,” I shot back, grinning at him.
“Nick’s not really my type, Riley.”
I stuck my tongue out at him and laughed. My husband and his friends. My friends. They were my lifeline to life. They kept me from going crazy and from missing something and from dwelling on a fear that threatened to sneak up on me.
I was going to die. Soon. I felt it in my body. Every moment that past drew me a little closer. I wasn’t ready to let go but I knew that when my time came I wouldn’t have a choice. It was now or never.
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