I woke up the next morning to a dull throbbing in my head. Time was running out on me. I no longer felt A.J.’s arms around me but could smell coffee coming from his kitchen. Slowly, I sat up and looked around the room but didn’t see him. I knelt and gathered up the things from my scattered bag and headed for the door.
“Sneaking out,” A.J. said as I reached for the doorknob.
“I was trying to,” I answered, turning to smile at him.
“Reason why?”
“I thought maybe you would be tired of hearing the ‘Poor Riley’ story,” I said.
“Haven’t heard that one yet. Want to have something to eat and tell it to me?” he asked.
“Thanks, A.J., but right now I think I need to tell my husband a few things first,” I said, walking to him and kissing his cheek. “I love you, Alexander James.”
“I love you Riley Elizabeth,” he answered, touching my face.
I smiled, turned, and walked out the door to go home.
When I walked back into the house Nick and I had been calling home the silence was eerie and unfamiliar. I crept up the stairs and to our room. The sight that greeted me tore at my heart, the pain far worse than that which had inflicted me the night before.
Nick lay on my side of the bed, wrapped in his arms was the dress I had worn the night he proposed, and his face was streaked with dry tears.
On silent feet, I approached the bed and knelt beside him. My angel, my dream, my hope, and my love in this single beautiful man. He had no idea what he really meant to me, yet laying there I had an idea of what I meant to him.
Quietly, I began to speak, saying things I had never been able to say to him when he looked up at me with his gorgeous blue eyes.
“I’m scared too, Nick. I’m scared of dying, of death, of leaving you, of being forgotten. I’m scared that I didn’t do what I was supposed to do here. Most of all though, I’m scared you’ll forget all the great things we had together, that you’ll forget me.”
I reached out and gently ran my fingers through his hair.
“I don’t want to leave you alone with just fading memories of what we have, Nick. I want you to have a part of me that will be forever constant and always alive. Our child, grand children, great-grandchildren. I want us to be forever, you and me. This is all I know, Nick. This isn’t just my dream, this is my final everlasting gift to you.”
“I’m scared I won’t be the kind of father your children deserve,” Nick answered softly, slowly opening his eyes to look into mine. “I’m scared of having to tell them about you and not being about to tell them how really beautiful and magical you are. I’m scared I’ll get so wrapped up in our child that I will forget about you.”
“Oh, Nick,” I said, leaning over and kissing him gently. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Riley. Remember sorry is a waste of time,” he said, smiling gently at me. “I just need you to understand how this whole things is effecting me.”
“I do, Nick. I understand, but I feel like you don’t understand how it’s effecting me,” I answered.
“Maybe we don’t really understand how the other feels about this whole thing. We’re talking about a whole new life, goldie locks. This is a life that needs a mother and a father, not just a father filled with stories about a mother.”
“Tell me the truth, Nick. No fear, no doubts, no negative emotions or thoughts, just the truth. Do you really not want kids?” I asked.
For the longest time he simply lay there staring into my eyes. I felt like he was searching my soul for his answer and maybe he was. Maybe his answer was in me and mine was in him.
“I want a house full of kids with your eyes and your laughter and your spirit, Riley. I want a dozen girls who will look at me the way you do and a dozen boys who will look at you the way I do,” he finally answered.
“And if I can give you the chance to have a least one of them?”
“It scares me because I don’t want that laughter, those eyes unless you are there to see them with me. It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to you, Riley.”
I looked at him for a moment as I slowly began to realize something.
“This isn’t about your fear or mine, is it? You’ve been telling me no because you don’t want me to die and never know how our baby grows up. You aren’t telling me no for yourself, you’re doing it to protect me,” I said, watching him.
He only stared at me, not moving and not answering.
“Sunshine, I would gladly give up that lifetime of memories to know that I left behind our child in your hands, to love and protect them, to raise them and teach them. I don’t care about what I’ll miss. I care about what I know you will have. Don’t deny us this gift in an attempt to protect me from something. Please Nick,” I begged, touching his face gently.
“I don’t want to let you thinking you’ll miss out on such a beautiful life,” he said.
“I won’t miss it, sunshine. I’ll be watching every moment of it from a cloud in heaven. I’ll always be here. With both of you, forever. I’ll never leave, never fade. Remember that promise?”
“Never leave, never fade,” he echoed.
“Just like the stars, sunshine,” I said, kissing him.
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