Life wasn’t peachy keen or even easy after that. Nick and I spent the rest of that day and long into the night just talking about what it would take to have a child of our own. We talked about the process, the cost, asking Pollyanna, how things would change, how Nick would survive. We talked endlessly about the direction our lives were about to take and then we went to Polly.
We spent hours just talking to her. Her fears, her concerns, her hopes. We talked about what she wanted from us, for us, for the baby, how apart of his/her life she wanted to be, and we talked about how all this would effect the rest of the Dorough family.
And finally we made a call to a doctor who could help us make this dream come true.
It would be a week before we would see the doctor which gave us time to break the news to the guys and our families. Nick made the call that gathered the men of the BSB in our living room.
I stood with Nick and Polly in the door to the living room and looked at the four men sitting or standing in there. My best friends, my brothers, my family, the men I treasured and adored.
“Nick and I have something we want to tell you guys. Actually, Nick, Pollyanna, and I have something we want to share with all of you,” I said, stepping into the room.
They turned and faced the tree of us, their faces a mixture of suspicion, hope, and disappointment.
“Pollyanna has agreed to carry our child for us,” I told them, holding my breath for a good response to the news.
“Polly, what you are thinking?” Howie demanded, turning on his sister.
“I’m thinking about our friends, Howie. I’m thinking about the people we love and the dreams they want to see come true,” she answered him, trying to get him to understand.
“Pollyanna, this is crazy. You’ve never had your own children. Do you have any idea what it will be like to carry a baby and just give it away after that?”
“She won’t be giving it away, Howie. Nick would never do that to her. Polly will be as much a part of this child’s life as you or any of the other people who will love him or her,” I said, stepping closer to him.
He moved back as if I were some kind of poison and looked at me in disgust.
“I can’t believe you are doing this. This is crazy, it’s insane. It’s disgusting,” he yelled, glaring at me.
“Howie, this more common than I can tell you. This is our miracle, our hope and Polly wants to help us do this. She wants to help make this miracle that is going to be a part of Nick and I. This baby is also going to be very much a part of her though and a part of you and Kevin and Brian and A.J. This isn’t just going to be Nick’s child and mine, this is going to be our child, this whole family. I need your support in this, Howie. We need you,” I begged.
“You are a sick woman, Riley, and I don’t mean physically,” he answered, moving even farther away.
“Howie!”
I turned at the sharp turn to see A.J. glaring at his best friend.
“Back off man. You don’t have to agree and you don’t have to like this, but you back off, D. Riley doesn’t need your shit,” A.J. warned.
“A.J.,” I said, stopping his attack.
“Do you have any idea how much this puts my sister at risk?” Howie demanded. “Do you have any clue the problems she could face, complications, death, a million things.”
“You think I don’t know that, Howie? You think I haven’t thought about what she’s going to suffer through for a child I will never even see? Trust me, I know what I’m asking of her and I know what this will cost her. I know damn you! I know and I hate that I’m asking this of her, but I don’t have a choice,” I screamed.
“You have a choice, damn it,” he yelled back. “You could drop this stupid idea.”
“Let me ask you something? If I told you that you were going to die before your next birthday would you just say screw your dreams and lay down? That’s what you are asking me to do, Howie, and I’m sorry, but screw you. I won’t lay down and die for anyone. I sure as hell won’t do it for a man as hateful as you.”
“You can’t do this to her, Riley. I won’t let you risk her life like this. Not for you, not for a child you’ll never even see,” he countered.
He would have been kinder if he had simply slapped me because nothing could have been more painful then the words he had just flung at me.
“You may not like this choice, Howie, and that’s fine. I don’t need your permission or your approval, but I would have liked your support. Don’t you ever, ever speak to me like that again though, Howie Dorough, because you have no idea what it is like to be me or to face what I’m facing. You don’t know fear or pain or lose until you have stood in my shoes and you have faced what lies ahead for me. Don’t you ever tell me what I won’t live to see because I’ve seen more in the last twenty years then you could possibly imagine seeing in the next forty.”
We stood there, silent, toe to toe and stared at each other. He could never understand what life was like to know you would never see your child for even the first time. I couldn’t believe he was cruel enough to throw that in my face.
“You’re that hateful, that cruel to put my sister at risk for your own selfish wants?” he finally asked.
“Of all the people in this room, Howie, I thought you would understand this the most. I’m not hateful or cruel, but I can see in your eyes that you are scared. Fear makes us do a lot of stupid, mean things. Trust me I know,” I said, looking back at Nick. “But I also know that fear doesn’t give you the right to try and tear the people around you apart. I wish you understood and supported this, Howie, but I also don’t give a damn if you hate the idea. It’s not your choice.”
“I’ll never forgive you for this, Riley,” Howie answered.
“I’m not asking for your forgiveness, Howie. I don’t need it.”
He stared at me for a moment and then his gaze moved to Pollyanna. Slowly, he shook his head and then walked out of the house.
“Riley?” Nick asked, stepping forward.
“I’m going to miss him,” I answered, smiling sadly.
“He’s not gone, goldie locks. He’s just upset.”
“He’s gone, Nick. He’s gone.”
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