“So how are you feeling?” I asked Pollyanna as we wandered through one of the local baby stores.
“I feel fine, great even. The doctor said it would probably be a little longer before I really felt a difference,” she said, grinning as she touched her stomach.
“Thank you again for doing this.”
“Thank you for letting me. I still can’t believe little Nicky is going to be the first Backstreet Daddy,” she said, laughing. “We always thought Brian would be first.”
“He’s going to be a wonderful father. He’s already talking about ballet classes and little league and bikes and swim lessons. He’s so in love with this baby. It’s amazing.”
“Quite remarkable to fall in love with a child you’ve never seen,” she added.
“I know, but he’s not the only one. Brian and Kevin brought over a plastic basketball hoop the baby won’t be able to play with for years. Not to mention the tee ball set,” I added, smiling. “And A.J. bought the most beautiful bassinet. It’s gorgeous, Polly.”
“Of course. A.J. always did have good taste,” she answered.
We were silent for a few minutes before I finally spoke again bringing up a subject that had been avoided by everyone for the last few weeks.
“Have you heard from Howie lately?” I asked nonchalantly.
“No, he’s not returning my phone calls right now,” she answered quietly, not looking at me.
“Polly, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Riley. This is hard for him. I understand that. He just needs some more time. He’ll come around soon. He loves me too much. He loves you too much,” she added.
“I know he’ll come around. He might be scared of losing you but he’s not crazy enough to cut you out of his life before that happens,” I assured her with a smile. “He just needs time to get use to this I suppose.”
“Or maybe I just needed time to figure out what an idiot I’ve been.”
Pollyanna and I turned at the voice and I smiled at Howie who stood in front of us with an armload of baby clothes.
“Hi, Howie. Been shopping?” I teased.
“Riley, I’m sorry,” he began but I held my hand up to cut him off.
“Don’t bother, Howie,” I said.
“I want to though,” he argued.
“And I don’t want you to. What’s more important? Moving on and taking advantage of the time we have together or dwelling on mistakes and wasting that time?” I asked, smiling at him.
“I said some pretty hateful things, Riley. Things I can’t believe I said.”
“Yes, you did and they hurt, but I know why you said them and I understand this is hard for you. I also know you’re a good man, Howie, and you’d come to your senses before too long.”
“I’m just really scared,” he answered, his voice cracking with emotion as we stood in the middle of that store.
I closed the small gap between us and put my arms around him and held him.
“I’m scared too, Howie. That’s life. It’s made of fear and longing and love and joy and sadness and loneliness and completion,” I answered.
“I don’t want to lose her, Riley,” he cried, holding me tighter. “I lost Caroline and I’m going to have to let you go. I don’t want to let her go too.”
“Howie, listen to me. Pollyanna’s not going anywhere. She’s a beautiful, healthy woman. The doctor says the pregnancy should be a piece of cake for her. And bearing children is an easy thing in your family. Look at your mother, she did it five times. Polly’s not going to leave you anytime soon. I promise. As for me, I don’t want you to let go of me. I want you to hold on to me forever, to remember me and celebrate me and to have a thousand stories to tell that baby,” I said, smoothing his loose hanging hair back like a mother would a child.
“How do you forgive so easily?” he asked, looking at me with his wonderful brown eyes.
“Because I don’t get angry in the first place. Howie, I’m running out of time. I’ve been really sick lately. I don’t have much longer, but I’m not going to waste what I have dwelling on the bad. It’s not worth it, but the love and the joy we have is worth all the time in the world,” I said, smiling gently.
“God, Riley! I’m sorry. I should have been there for you. I didn’t know,” he sobbed, the tears rolling easily for him.
“Howie, don’t cry. It’s not worth the tears either. I’m ready when the time comes. I’ve lived all my dreams and the most extraordinary people have loved me and I’ve loved them. I’m going to be a mother and I’ve been a wife as well as a sister, daughter, and friend. I don’t want to die but I’m ready when it’s time. So no tears, Howie Dorough. I don’t want anymore tears. I want smiles and loved and joy and happiness. I want to live until I can no longer live and then I want to go knowing you are living just as much.”
“You are the most amazing woman I have ever met,” he said, brushing his tears away like an embarrassed little boy.
“No, but I do know who that woman is. She’s standing behind me and she needs her brother’s love and support with gift she’s going to give Nick and I,” I answered.
I let go of him and stepped back as he looked at Pollyanna. They stood silent, staring at each other for a moment before Polly ran to him quickly closing the gap between them. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him close.
“I can’t believe you did that to me,” she said, but she was smiling at him as she held him.
“Me either,” he answered, hugging her tighter.
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too even if you are getting fat,” he teased, loosing his grip on her.
“Hey, I am not getting fat. Not yet anyway,” she answered, laughing.
“So just what are you doing here anyway, uncle Howie?” I asked.
“Shopping for my niece or nephew as the case may be,” he answered, retrieving the armload of baby clothes he had been holding before he hugged me.
“Oh, my poor baby. He’s going to be so spoiled,” I groaned, teasing Howie.
“You’re that sure it’s going to be a boy?” he asked.
“I’m that sure,” I answered.
“How?”
“Because I’ve always wanted a boy and so far I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted,” I said, smiling.
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