Just days later I had a headache so awful I passed out and Nick rushed me to the hospital. The pain was unbearable and nothing they did could ease it. I couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, couldn’t bear to open my eyes most of the time. The pain was constant for nearly three straight days before it finally faded though not completely. I felt an ache that seemed to spread through my body.
Slowly opening my eyes I saw Nick sitting in the chair next to my hospital bed, his head lying on the bed as he slept.
“Sunshine,” I whispered, gently touching him.
Slowly, he lifted his head and shook it as if to clear the sleep from inside. Then his eyes widened and he sat straight up.
“Riley, baby how do you feel?” he asked, smoothing my hair back from my face.
“Like there’s a parade of marching bands walking through my head. How about you?” I asked, smiling slightly.
“You amaze me. Here you are lying in the hospital and you’re asking how I am. Really though, goldie locks, how do you feel?”
“Better than when I came in but it hurts,” I admitted, squeezing his hand gently. “Maybe you should let the doctor know I’m awake so we can figure out what’s going on inside of me.”
An hour later the doctor left my room and Nick and I sat in silence. Neither one of us really knew what to say. What did you say after having your doctor tell you that your tumor was spreading and that you more than likely wouldn’t live more than two weeks?
I looked at Nick as he sat in the chair next to me and stared at my face.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Trying to remember ever detail of your face,” he answered, reaching up to trace my lips.
“Nick, I want to go home,” I answered, feeling my eyes burn with the tears I fought not to shed.
“Then let’s go home.”
He went and spoke to the doctor and just a little while later he was rolling me out in a wheelchair. We were silent in the car, the only noise was the soft sound of music coming from the radio. I listened still unsure of what to say to my husband.
Then a song came on and I quickly reached to turn the volume up. I was silent through the first verse but when the chorus came on my voice matched that of Bon Jovi’s as I looked at Nick next to me.
It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did I my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life
When the song ended, I turned the radio off and looked at Nick. For a moment neither one of us spoke and then suddenly Nick smiled at me and reach out his hand to me. I took it and grinned back at him.
“I did it my way, right?” I asked him.
“Baby you did it your way and you did it the best way,” he answered.
When we got home Nick helped me inside and I smiled as we passed the answering machine. The light was blinking on it like crazy to indicate messages.
“I think everyone is worried,” I said, smiling up at him as I sat down on the sofa.
“Want me to check it and give them a call?” he asked.
“Yeah, tell them to come on over. I think we should tell them.”
Shortly after our living room was flooded with the people we loved. Kevin, Howie, Brian, Pollyanna, and A.J. stood or sat in various positions as Nick and I sat together on the sofa.
“How are you, starlight?” A.J. asked from where he sat at my feet.
“For the moment, I’m feeling pretty good. Still a little bit of a headache but I can bear it,” I answered.
“What happened?” Brian asked.
“My tumor. It’s spreading and the pressure on my brain caused the blackout and the headache,” I said. My eyes focused on my hands in my lap as I got ready to tell them the news.
Nick took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze and smiled at me. I looked back up at the people I loved and, choking back my tears, I told them.
“I’ve only got about two weeks left, give or take a few days.”
The collective gasps tore at my heart as I watched the expressions race across their faces. Sorrow, fear, angry, loneliness and even defeat. Maybe it was the defeat that hurt me so much.
That was one of lives little things that always get us. Those people that surrounded me, they had known that from the very beginning I was going to die soon. They had always known and yet when they fine that the time had come they still looked as if they had lost a battle they had been fighting. It was as if all that time they thought maybe, just maybe they could change the outcome and now they were being told they had lost. They were losing me.
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