The pain was horrible and the first thing I noticed when I came to. Struggling for control of my body and mind, I tried to sit up.
“Lie still,” Nick ordered, gently pushing me back down.
“No, I need my pills. Please, Nick. They are in my bag. Please,” I begged, holding my head.
They were my main symptom of the tumor. The random, horrible headaches that were barely controlled by the pills my doctor had prescribed. The pressure the tumor put on my brain caused them. They occurred most often in the morning but every once in a while I got them at various other moments of the day.
Weakly, I watched Nick grab my bag and dig through it for the tiny bottle I always carried with me.
“These?” he asked, pulling it out.
I could barely move my head to nod let alone speak. He poured two of the tiny pills into his hand and offered them to me. I took them but didn’t wait for him to get me a glass of water. I forced them down dry and closed my eyes willing the pain to leave me once again.
“Riley,” Nick began. I held my hand up to silence him.
“Just give me a minute,” I whispered, my eyes still closed against the suddenly too brightly lit lights of his home.
After another fifteen minutes of silence I opened my eyes and looked up at Nick. He looked absolutely terrified as he stared down at me. I hadn’t seen anyone that scared since the first time I had past out because of my tumor.
“Don’t fret, sunshine. I’m going to live a little longer,” I said, smiling softly up at him as I touched his face.
“What just happened, Riley? Are you all right?” he asked, grasping my hand and holding on as if to let go would mean I would disappear.
“I’m fine for now,” I answered, giving his hand a gently squeeze of reassurance.
“Are you sure? Should I call a doctor, your family, someone?” he asked, his eyes still filled with fear and concern.
“I’m sure. There’s nothing they can do now anyway.”
“What happened? One minute we were laughing and talking and the next you were on the floor. Did you fall of the counter, hit your hear, what?”
I straightened up where I lay on his sofa and patted the spot next to me. My head still throbbed but the pain had become bearable for the moment.
“About a year ago I was having dinner with my family one night and I suddenly passed out the way I did with you just a little while ago. I was rushed to the hospital and from there poked, prodded, and scanned till I wanted to scream. A week later they called us back. They knew what was wrong.”
“What?” he asked, the fear so strong I could taste it.
“I have a malignant brain tumor, Nick.”
“Malignant, that’s cancerous, right?” he asked, softly.
“Yes,” I answered, wondering how far his reaction would go.
“What does that mean, Riley?”
“It means I’m going to die a little sooner than I originally planned.”
“Aren’t there treatments, something you can do he asked?
“Sometimes. Surgery, chemo, radiation. We’ve tried them all. I’ve tried them all,” I corrected. He pulled his hand free and stood up.
“So you’re dying?”
“No, not yet I’m not. I’m living,” I pointed out, slowly rising to my own two feet.
“How long do you have?”
“There’s no way of knowing.”
“This is all a joke, right, Riley? This is all a really bad joke. You’re not serious are you?” he asked, his blue eyes meeting the violet in mine.
“Sometimes I wish it was a joke, Nick. It’s not though. The headaches, blurry vision, weakness. I wish I could blame it all on a bad joke, but it’s not. I have a brain tumor.” It was fact, plain and simple. Nothing I said or did was going to change that and nothing Nick wanted me to say or do would change how I told him.
“You’re dying,” he repeated.
“I’m living,” I corrected.
“You’re dying, Riley. Don’t dance around it,” he said, his voice rising.
“Dancing is what I have, Nick. Dancing and singing and laughing and living. I’m not dying because I haven’t given up on this life. I don’t know how long I have left but I will not spend a moment of it dwelling on the fact that it is going to end.”
“You’re dying,” he screamed.
I watched him pace the room, anger, fear and confusion in his every movement. I watched the play of emotion on his face and wanted desperately to change it all just for him. I couldn’t though and I had to let Nick face this his way.
“I’m living this life till the very last moment it is mine, Nick. I will not lie down and let death take me quietly. What time I have left is too precious. I am searching for all the gifts life has. One of them is you and I will be thankful every moment till my death for finding you. Will you be thankful for finding me, Nick?”
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