“You’re dying,” he repeated.
Those seemed the only words he could say in the situation and I had to laugh. So little time and he was determined to point out the end instead of what was left.
“Don’t laugh, Riley,” he yelled, his face filled with anger.
“Don’t fight it, Nick,” I yelled back. “It’s fact. I can’t change it, you can’t change it, no one can change it. It’s just there. I’m going to die. So are you, but I’m going to die first. Only I’m not dying now. I’m living, sunshine and I will live until the very last moment of my life.” I walked to him and touched his face as I smiled gently. “It hurts and it’s scary and worst of all you don’t know why it’s happening. I know because I’ve been where you are. I don’t have enough time to dwell on pain and fear and confusion though. It’s not worth the time it takes from the rest of my life.”
“I’m going to lose you when I just got you,” he answered.
“No you aren’t. I’m forever, Nick. Every moment with you is forever. Don’t think about what won’t be, think about what will always be.”
“What will always be will be the rest of my life without you,” he said, pushing away from me.
“What will always be will be my love with you. I may die before you but even without this tumor I could have still died before you, Nick. Please don’t dwell on this,” I begged, watching him across the room.
“How can I not? This is crazy. I don’t know what to think. You show up in my life with all this passion and magic, you’re unreal. You steal my heart in a matter of hours, and now you tell me you’re going to break it when you die. My mind is frozen in fear,” he responded, looking at me across the room.
“Well, let go damn it,” I screamed, losing control. “I don’t have time for this, Nick. I can’t stand here and talk to you about letting go, loving me regardless, taking a chance, living. I don’t have time to do this with you. If you love me and I know you do you will accept what we have and cherish every moment there is of it. It’s crazy and unbelievable and magical and I don’t want to waste it wondering why we don’t have longer, why it has to end, why you’ll get hurt, or why I’ll get hurt. I have a tumor in my brain that gives me horrible headaches, blurs my vision, and makes me weak. I could spend the rest of my life being angry about that, fighting the pain and thinking of how much it’s hurting me, but I don’t want to,” I cried. “Please, Nick. Just let go,” I begged.
“I can’t,” he answered, shaking his head.
“So you’ll push me away now to keep from getting hurt when I die. Is that it?” I asked him.
He looked away out his window to the beautiful view of the water, to the boat. The boat where we had found our life only hours ago.
“You would do that? You would let this go to keep from getting hurt later?”
When he didn’t answer me I felt something in my heart die all too soon. Silently, I picked up my bag and headed for the door. Stopping, I looked back at him where he stood by the window.
“I can’t explain what happened between us today. It defies reason or explanation. All I know is we were meant to find each other. I can’t doubt that. I was meant to love you and you were meant to love me. I know you hurt, Nick. I know you’re in pain and you’re scared and I know you don’t know what to do. I know because a year ago I stood in that window with those same thoughts and emotions. I understand, but I can’t wait for you to find the right path, Nick. I could give up this gift I call my life any day now. I have too many miracles I want to see and feel and hear to waste even one moment fighting for a man who may be too scared to find those miracles with me.”
With those words I left Nick’s house, never looking back but hoping he would race out and stop me. He didn’t.
Links to other sites on the Web
Chapter 10
Back to Fan Fiction Index
Get your own Free Home Page