Three days later I was sitting beside Mike’s hospital bed. His body had gone into shock from loss of blood and from there he had slipped into a coma. My father had been there, sisters, uncles, my whole family had drifted in and out, but I had never left his side. Even Sam and Sasha had been by though Sasha only thought her “uncle” Mike was asleep.
Three days. He hadn’t moved, not even a flutter of his lashes and I swore I wouldn’t leave him till was awake. I talked, I sang, I cried, and every once in a while I slept for a couple of hours.
Most of all I was scared. I didn’t want to lose Mike, not yet and not like this. I had enough pain in my life. My mother’s death, my rape, Michelle’s death, giving up Brian. It was enough. I couldn’t take anymore. I didn’t deserve any more. It wasn’t my call though. Michael’s life was in the hands of a higher power. That was the thought that prompted me to do something I hadn’t done in years.
Grasping Mike’s hand, I closed my eyes and lowered my head.
“It’s been a long time since you and I have talked, God. I kind of lost my way from you after Mom died. It’s bee a long time since I expected anything from you and a long time since I asked anything of you. I’m not expecting now, but I am begging. Please, please God don’t take Michael from me. I’m not ready to let go of him and I’m not ready to face the rest of my life without him. I’ve given up so much to you already. My mother, my best friend. I’ve even let go of the man I love so he can be with the woman he promised to marry. Please God, just this one soul. Give me this one soul please. I’ll never ask anything else of you if you just give me Michael,” I begged as the tears spilled down my cheeks.
I cried for the life that Michael was losing, the life he would never know. I cried for the brother I that I adored, the brother I would have gladly died for to know he lived. I cried for myself, for a lifetime of heartaches and hopes, prices paid and rewards given.
“I never would have pictured you one to beg,” Brian whispered, kneeling next to me.
I looked at him, at the tears in his eyes and the pain on his face and my heart twisted in anguish because I would never have the right to ease that pain for him.
“What are you doing here, Brian?” I asked, resting my forehead against Michael’s hand where I still held it.
“I came to see how Mike was, how you are?” he asked, brushing back my hair so he could more easily see my face.
“Not good on both accounts,” I answered, looking up at him.
“You must have some hope though if you’re talking to God,” he said, his hand covering mine.
“No, I’m losing hope and that’s why I’m talking to God. I’m praying He’ll prove to me he really cares.”
“When did you stop believing in Him?
“I never stopped believing Him. I stopped having faith in Him,” I answered.
“What’s the difference?”
“The difference is I always knew He was up there, I just thought he didn’t give a damn. Now I need him to prove to me He does. I need him to let me keep Michael since I’ve given up so much already.”
“Maybe that’s the problem. You gave up.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, angry that he could say that to me about all the pain I had suffered.
“Some things you never have a choice over, Ryder. And some things you have to fight for. Like fighting for your sanity instead of losing it to you fear. Like fighting for your brother instead of just accepting he’s going to die. Like fighting for me instead of just walking away,” he answered, the same amount of anger in his voice.
“It wasn’t my place to fight for you, Brian. I had no claim on you. You love Leighanne, you’re going to marry Leighanne. Without Ray in the picture you two have a chance to find your love again. How could I stand in the way of that?”
“Because I’m not in love with Leighanne. I told you that. I told you I loved you. I want to be with you. I am crazy about you. Why don’t you understand any of this, Ryder?”
“Because I told you that I didn’t want you looking at me as just another one of your mistakes. I don’t want you to leave the best thing to ever come into your life for a woman you still hardly know and a lifestyle you may not be emotionally capable of handling. I love you more than anything Brian but do you have any idea what would happen even if you didn’t belong with Leighanne?” I asked, standing and moving across the room. I looked back at Mike’s still body on the bed and felt my heart skip a beat in fear.
“Could you handle seeing me in Michael’s situation? Could you handle immeasurable time away from me? Could you handle the risk of losing me with every job I take? Because I can’t handle loving someone who is constantly afraid, who constantly feels like I feel when I look at my brother lying there.”
I closed my eyes against the image of Brian still kneeling beside Mike’s bed. The two men I treasured most in the world and I was standing on the edge of losing them both.
“So you’ll fight God for Mike’s life but you won’t fight my fear for my love?” Brian asked.
“I don’t want to fight your fear Brian,” I screamed. “I don’t want you to be afraid, for me or for yourself.” I took a deep breath and looked at him. “Did you and Leighanne talk?”
“We did and we decided to part ways. I love her, Ryder. I always will but we haven’t been in love in a long time and we realize that. She told me she knew from day one that I would fall in love with you. She wished me luck when I came here,” he answered.
“You just left her?”
“I walked out the door of her hotel and came straight here.” He stood up and walked to me. “Ryder, I can’t promise you I won’t be afraid. That’s love, being afraid of losing the person who inspires it. I will love you regardless though. I will love you completely and I will love you forever. I just need you to let me.”
“Will you just tell the man yes already, Ry?”
I shoved Brian out of my way at the sound of the voice. My eyes focused on Mike who looked back at me with his beautiful eyes.
“Michael,” I cried, rushing over to his bed and covering his face with kisses.
“Easy, Ry. Easy,” he said, smiling up at me.
“Oh my God, Mike. You scared me so much. I thought I was going to lose you,” I said, sobbing as the tears ran freely.
“I told you I’m not going anywhere. Now will you tell the man you love him and you two will live happily ever after?” he said, nudging me.
I looked back at Brian who stood smiling at us. I stood up and walked to him, throwing my arms around him and kissing him.
“You love me?” he asked when I pulled away.
“I love you and I want you forever,” I answered, smiling.
Links to other sites on the Web
Get your own Free Home Page