"Hold on, hold on to yourself,
This is going to hurt like hell"
-Sarah Mclachlan "Hold On"
After breakfast, I agreed to let Makini give me a tour of the grounds, even though I wasn’t too eager to be out. It was a little slow-going at first since I felt kind of like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, all stiff and inflexible. But she was right, of course, after a little while I loosened up a bit.
We walked through the big hacienda, as Makini pointed out various rooms that I tried to familiarize myself with. In the basement, they’d set up an exercise room, which I had no desire to visit. Descending one set of stairs today had been hard enough. But I made myself promise to check it out later—working out always helped clear my mind. But I couldn’t have picked a better place to spend the next two months. There was a TV room with this huge, flat screen TV and a satellite. Some sort of video game console was set up and Makini told me there were other similar rooms around. There was this huge library, with just about every type of book I could imagine. It was one of those old style ones, you know, like in Gone with the Wind or something, with the leather bound books and the deep plush chairs and the bookshelves made of deep mahogany.
The kitchen was fully stocked, even if it was all health food, and I was given free reign to cook for myself. Which is kind of a scary thought, actually. The back wall of the dining room was completely made of glass, and the middle panels opened like sliding doors. Beyond was a patio, which led to acres of lush lawn and finally merged into woods.
That first instant when I stepped out the back door is clearly etched in my mind, like an engraving on stone. I was mid-sentence, asking about the basketball courts, which I could see across the patio to the left, when the pain hit me like a Mack truck. I fell to my knees, gasping for breath, the fist around my heart growing tighter with every beat. It was excruciating and I kept trying to take a deep breath, but I couldn’t get enough oxygen. Everything grew really hazy and lop-sided, and I vaguely noticed Makini drop next to me, her arms around me, supporting me. I could feel her breath in my ear as she urged me to slow down, but slow what down, I had no idea. All I could think about was the pain and that I was suffocating and oh, God, why wouldn’t it stop? Then I felt her hands cover my mouth and my nose and then I really couldn’t breathe, but the pain was subsiding so I knew I was dying, smothered by the angel at my side. And I sank into blackness.
Well, okay, I didn’t die, obviously. But how was I supposed to know that at the time? In any case, when I woke up, I was lying on the patio, the concrete hot and hard against my shoulder blades. The angry buzz of voices surrounded me, but two of them stood out.
"What the hell were you thinking?" That was the outraged voice of Dr. Riesen.
"It was the first thing that came to mind." That was Makini, calm and unruffled. Thinking back now, I can’t ever recall her losing her cool, except maybe one time.
"It didn’t occur to you to call for help? He could have died!" Wait, they were talking about me.
"He could have died waiting for help," Makini answered. I tried to open my eyes and raise my head. She caught my slight motion and knelt down beside me, helping me up sit up.
"I’m not dead, right?" I asked, with a little difficulty.
"No, luckily, you’re not," Dr. Riesen said, still angry.
"Well, then, why are we worrying about what might have been? I thought I came here to uncover the possibilities of the future?" Dr Riesen opened his mouth to respond, but he didn’t say anything.
"Well said," Makini murmured, hiding a smile.
"I told you I was a sharp one," I replied. Dr. Riesen shook his head, not willing to argue any further, but unwilling to let the matter drop. He motioned to a man standing near him, and that’s when I became aware of all the people gathered there. But I didn’t have time to acknowledge them because the man pulled out a needle.
"No," I said, shaking my head forcefully. It kind of made me dizzy, but I had to be firm. "I’m not taking it."
"Brian," Makini said, "this is for the best."
"No," I said again, turning to her. "Today is the first day of the rest of my life. My healing starts now." She was a little taken back by the vehemence in my voice, but as cloudy as my mind was, that one thought broke through the fog to echo in my head. Dr. Riesen nodded, and I’m pretty sure there was a spark of admiration in his eyes. I don’t know why, but knowing I’d met his unspoken challenge made me feel so much stronger. My healing DOES start now, I thought to myself.
"Very well," he said, "but I recommend you return to your room and rest."
"No way," I said. "I’m not going to take a step back every time I feel like I’ve made some progress. I’ll never get anywhere. Besides, I didn’t get to finish my tour." I looked at him with the most pitiful expression I could muster, which, in my state, was pretty damn good. He sighed.
"Fine, but Makini takes the benzo with her. And the minute something like this happens again, she gives you the shot. No arguments." I nodded. He looked at me for a second, then walked over and held out his hand. I reached for it, feeling him envelop mine in his strong grip. He pulled me up slowly, as Makini supported me. I was a little dizzy at first, but it passed quickly.
"I’m proud of you," he said quietly, his eyes appraising me. "But don’t overdo it. All the healing in the world won’t do you any good if you kill yourself in the process." Okay, well, fine, burst my bubble. He walked away then, and some of the crowd dissipated, leaving a few stragglers.
"Um, hi, I’m Brian," I said. Might as well get this over with now. Makini smiled.
"Brian, this is Mimi," she indicated a petite blonde girl with impossibly large brown eyes, who smiled faintly, "Jazz," this guy that could totally have passed for Justin from N Sync, "and Tamar." I turned my attention to the last girl. She was about my height, maybe a little taller, with mousy brown hair and an unremarkable face, but there was this look in her dark brown eyes… It was feral, almost primal. She reminded me of a wild cat, trapped in a too small cage, and when she slunk towards me, I could almost see her tail swishing. I think I took an inadvertent step back, because her amusement showed in her eyes.
"Um, nice to meet you all," I said. "So um, how about the rest of the tour?" Makini must have taken the hint, because she grasped my elbow and pulled me off the patio.
"You can all get to know Brian later this evening," she said to the three of them. We walked away from the group.
"So, um, what’s their stories?" I asked. She shook her head.
"That’s theirs to tell," she replied.
"Wait, what’s tonight?" I asked.
"Oh, small group sessions. You’ve been placed in your group." I tensed and she felt it.
"You don’t have to go, but it’s a good way to get to know some of the people here."
"But what if I don’t want to? I mean, I’m sure they’re great people, but I don’t feel comfortable…"
"You feel comfortable with me, no?"
"But that’s because you’re a walking wet dream." Er, oops. Did I just say that out loud? I could feel myself blushing furiously. "Oh, I’m sorry, er, you’re not… I mean, you are, wait, I mean…" I trailed off, knowing that whatever more I said would dig the hole deeper. She just laughed.
"It’s okay, Brian. A little vulgar, but okay." I was still blushing. "But I thought men were insecure around attractive woman?" she asked, playfully, her eyebrow raised.
"Um, okay, what I meant to say was, you’re really beautiful, but it’s not just an outer beauty. It’s like, you have this aura of calm and it extends to those you touch. Like me." She didn’t respond, and I wasn’t sure if it was because she was thinking about what I said, or because she didn’t buy it. "Um, about that other thing, I don’t know where it came from, probably that part of me that doesn’t really think before speaking." It was sort of an apology. She smiled.
"You know, when I left my country, it was the first time I’d ever been away from my family. The first time I’d ever even left my village. And it wasn’t as though I was going to the capital, to Mogadishu; I was leaving my homeland forever. And I knew that I would never return." She stopped, and I did too, turning to look at her. "I felt like my soul was being torn in two, like I was being cleaved right down the middle, a part of me wanting to go, to leave my war-torn country and never go back, and a part of me believing I’d die if I stepped foot off my native soil. Believe me when I say, this calm that you speak of, it was an absolute stranger to me then." I listened to her words carefully, not saying anything.
"It took me a few years, but I was able to find myself again. You know what helped? Watching my daughter grow up happy and carefree. Knowing that she wouldn’t have the same childhood I had, living scared and oppressed, sharing a shack of a house with fifteen other people, worried the whole time that each day would bring the death squads to our door. She’ll never have to experience hunger, war, massacre. And in her innocence, I found my own serenity."
"What’s her name?" I asked. It was important, I realized.
"Noni," she said. "Gift of God."
"Thanks," I said. She smiled and started walking again. I kept pace beside her. We traversed a small hill, and on the other side, there was a small building. It took me a little while to figure out what it was.
"Is that, are those stables?" I asked. She nodded.
"Oh, wow," I said, but then frowned. "Oh, wait, I really don’t think I could do that right now. It would hurt too much."
"Well, I wouldn’t recommend it right now, but in a few weeks, you’ll feel well enough to try. I know you can ride."
"Yeah, but it’s kind of been a while."
"They’re gentle. Why don’t we go and you can meet them?"
"Okay!" I said, and I felt like a kid again, growing up in the hills of Kentucky. We wandered into the stable, and the scent of horses and hay hit me. I felt like I was home.
"Hi," I whispered, as I walked up to a beautiful roan.
"That’s Strawberry," Makini said.
"Well, hello, Strawberry." She nuzzled my chest, looking for pockets. I laughed.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t bring you any treats. But I promise I’ll come again soon with some." She looked at me like she could understand exactly what I was saying. She even nodded her head a little.
"Better not forget. Horses have long memories," Makini said. I was going to respond, but I saw something in my peripheral vision and I turned to get a better look. But whatever it was, it had disappeared. Makini noticed me glancing around.
"Marco," she called out. "Why don’t you come meet Brian." From around a corner, I saw a head peek out. I thought at first he was a boy, but on closer inspection, I realized he wasn’t that much younger than I was. He was just lean and gangly, but short, shorter than me. He looked at me shyly, then hesitantly walked over to us. He was the image of innocence, with a curly mop of black hair and bright green eyes. He kind of looked like a goofy version of Kevin.
"Hi, Marco," I said. He didn’t respond, just looked at me gravely.
"He doesn’t talk," Makini said, and I wanted to ask why, but I didn’t think she’d tell me.
"Well, it’s nice to meet you," I said. "And it’s okay if you don’t want to talk, sometimes I don’t feel like it either." He smiled briefly, and it flittered across his face like a scared bird, before disappearing. But in that instant, it completely transformed his countenance, revealing a little of his inner self. I smiled back.
"We should go," Makini said, "it’s almost dinner time." I pulled a face.
"Yippee," I said, "what are we having tonight? More lentils and spinach? Truly exotic cuisine." That earned another brief smile from Marco. It warmed me to see it. I didn’t know anything about him, but something told me that he didn’t smile too often. That maybe he didn’t have too much to smile at.
"You’re a handful," Makini said, but jokingly.
"So are you joining us for dinner?" I asked Marco. He shook his head and backed away.
"He likes to stay with the horses," Makini said. I shrugged.
"Okay, well, I’ll see you later!" He nodded, then turned and ran away.
"So let’s go, then?" I said. "Mustn’t keep my stomach waiting. It’s craving brown rice." Makini just laughed and rolled her eyes as we headed
walked out of the stable.
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