Chapter Seven
"So many things that keep
That keep me underground
So many words that I
That I can never find
If you give up on me now
I'll be gutted like I've never been before
Even though I might
Even thought I try
I can't "
-Radiohead "I Can’t"
I don’t know how long I lay there, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was bright enough to realize what I was doing, lashing out at someone else so I wouldn’t have to admit anything to myself. Jazz had been right on that part, but he had managed to rip a gaping hole in my psyche, one that threatened to fill with darkness if I couldn’t patch it up. And I wasn’t doing such a hot job so far. A soft knock on my door interrupted my thoughts. I didn’t want to answer, but it beat listening to my thoughts and learning unpleasant things about myself. I sat up slightly, propping myself against the wall.
"Come in," I said. The door opened slowly. I held my breath, hoping it was Makini, the apology on the tip of my tongue. It was Dr. Riesen.
"Good morning, Brian," he said, his tone light. I wondered if he knew about my breakdown last night, or the things I’d said to Makini this morning. Probably not, she wasn’t the type to run crying to someone else.
"Morning," I mumbled. It sure as hell wasn’t good.
"Makini says you’re not feeling so well, so I thought I’d stop by." So she had said something.
"Um, yeah, I didn’t sleep too well." Not until I’d had the shot. I flushed thinking about it, but Dr. Riesen didn’t say anything about it.
"Well, I have a surprise that might cheer you up." Unless he could return my life to normal, nothing was going to make me feel better.
"Yeah?" I asked, half-heartedly. He noticed my lack of enthusiasm, but continued on.
"You have some guests here to see you," he said, smiling. I forgot to breathe. This was supposed to cheer me up? What was wrong with these people? The last thing I wanted was for someone to see me like this. Dear God, what if it was my mother?
"Um, who?" I asked, terrified of the answer and already trying to come up with an excuse to get out of it.
"Just a few friends." Oh, God, it was the guys. Glimpses of my nightmare flashed before my eyes.
"They’re waiting in the main TV lounge," he continued, missing the look of pain that must have crossed my face. "I can send them in here, or you can go meet them there." How about choice c? You send them home, and I’ll go back to sleep and when I wake, this whole nightmare will be over. But I nodded weakly instead.
"I’ll just get dressed and meet them. It’s a little cramped in here for all five of us." Maybe I could crawl out the window and escape or something. He nodded and stood up.
"We’ll be waiting." He walked out of the room, closing the door. I looked longingly at the window, before sighing. Gingerly, I lifted myself out of bed and shuffled to the closet, pulling out a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt and slipping them on. I took a deep breath and made my way out the door and down the hall.
***
I stopped in the kitchen on the way in to get a glass of water and wishing for brandy instead. A little liquid courage would have gone a long way. Mimi was sitting on a stool in the middle of the room, flipping through a magazine. She smiled faintly at me, and I returned the gesture, but we exchanged no words. I waited for the glass to fill and decided to break the silence.
"Are you baking something?" I asked. She looked up again from her magazine and nodded.
"Cookies."
"Yeah? I thought sugar and all that was off limits," I said, interestedly. She flushed slightly.
"It’s a treat," she said in a quiet voice.
"For what?" I asked. She flushed even deeper.
"When I take a step forward." She was practically inaudible, her voice was so low. And I was completely confused. "If I’m making progress, I can reward myself." I nodded, not quite understanding fully, but enough.
"Well, um, congratulations." She smiled slightly.
"Thanks." My glass was full, so I turned off the tap and headed to the door. "Your friends are nice." I turned to look at her. "You’re really lucky." I smiled and walked out the door.
As I walked down the hallway, I was mentally preparing myself for the encounter. These guys were like my brothers, but I was dreading this more than anything. I hadn’t seen them since I’d been the hospital and we hadn’t parted on such good terms, and the last thing I wanted to see was the accusation and pity in their eyes. I almost turned back and headed to my room, but I knew them. They’d find a way to see me. I might as well get this over with.
I took a deep breath and plastered a smile on my face, then opened the door and walked in. Conversation stopped suddenly as five pairs of eyes turned to look at me. I almost wished Dr. Riesen had stuck around.
"Hi. Guys." It was a start. "What’s up?" No one spoke as they scrutinized my appearance and probably my mental state. Kevin stood up finally and walked over to hug me. I instinctively shrank back. I didn’t mean to, but I was in enough pain. He paused in front of me, his eyes searching my face.
"How are you doing?" he asked, softly. I shrugged and walked around him, easing into an empty chair.
"Not bad considering I’ve been to hell and back and it’s only my second day," I replied. "How’s life in the real world? " Nick frowned, and I know what was going through his head. I couldn’t help it, though, I had to be flippant or I’d probably have started crying in front of them.
"You don’t look so hot," AJ pointed out. Kevin and Howie both gave him disapproving looks, but I much preferred his blunt honesty to their avoidance of the issue. I sighed.
"Okay, let’s just get down to business. I mean, there’s no point in beating around the bush." Well, wasn’t I just full of stupid cliches today?
"What do you mean?" Howie asked.
"I mean, let’s talk about the Backstreet Boys. That’s why you’re here." The fact that they all averted their gazes meant I’d scored a direct hit.
"That’s not fair, Brian. We came to see you as friends," Howie argued.
"Maybe," I conceded, "but don’t deny that you’re all wondering about the future too." AJ and Nick exchanged glances. I bet they’d talked about it.
"We’re concerned for your well-being," Kevin said. "We want you to take full advantage of this place while you’re here. There’s no need to rush things."
"Okay," I said. "So I’ll see you in two months? " I stood up and they all just stared at me.
"That’s it?" Nick said. It suddenly occurred to me that he’d been really quiet through all this. I shrugged.
"Is there more?"
"Well, um, can’t we just hang out?" Howie asked.
"Just talk?" Kevin added. Nick pointed to the TV.
"We could play Nintendo," he said hopefully. I held out my hands, flexing and extending my fingers slowly, like an arthritic.
"See that?" I asked. "I can barely even hold that glass of water. I’d never be able to grip the controller."
"Why?" AJ asked. I looked at him confused.
"Why what?"
"What’s wrong with you? I mean, you’re two days in this place and you look like shit, you can barely move, and every five seconds you’re wincing in pain." He dropped his voice. "What are they doing to you in here?" I looked at him with wide eyes.
"AJ," Kevin warned. "Stop it." But I barely heard him, as all my suspicions came flooding back to me. What were they doing to me here? It wasn’t the first time I’d dwelled on the idea that I was perfectly fine before I came here. In fact, I’d still be living my normal life if I hadn’t been forced to come to Brookview.
"Brian?" I know Howie said my name, but I was too caught up in my thoughts to answer.
"Are you okay?" It was getting really stuffy in here. I was having trouble breathing. I dropped off the chair and onto the floor, bringing my legs up against my chest. Relax, I told myself. Calm down. In some distant part of my mind, some cool, collected voice was telling me I was having a panic attack, but the knowledge of it wasn’t making anything better.
"Brian? What’s wrong?" My vision was getting cloudy and I shook my head to clear it, but that only sent bolts of jagged pain tearing through my eyeballs.
"Shit, you guys, call the doctor." I buried my head in my hands, pressing my temples, trying to hold back the pain, but it was spreading through my skull, radiating out from just behind my eyes.
"I think he’s having a seizure!" Well, that explained why my reflexes had suddenly flipped out. I felt like a marionette on a string controlled by an incompetent puppeteer, my limbs and head being jerked around by some unseen force. I could hear yelling and loud crashes and movement, but everything was so blurry that I gave up trying to make sense of anything and just gave in to this virtual roller coaster I was strapped into.
And then everything was silent.
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