Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
the contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
of the crumbling difference between wrong and right
-Counting Crows, "Round Here"
Sentience, they say, is what separates man from animal. The ability to think, to reason, rather than blindly following the laws of nature and biology, makes us sapient beings. Enlightened even. But for such intelligent creatures, we can be painfully stupid. Maybe it's a price we pay for our intellect; the temptation to evil is only evident in creatures that understand the meaning of choice. It is what got us thrown out of the Garden of Eden, after all, this knowledge. But God didn't send us away empty-handed. For however we angered or dismayed Him, we are all still His children. And He still loves us. So he gifted us with insight as well. To be able to work out the consequences of our actions. But what we choose to do with that power is up to us. We can explore it, embrace it, and never lament a decision in our lives, or we can ignore it, repress it, and forever live with the regrets of our past mistakes.
As you can tell, I've thought about this a lot. I've had a lot of time, in this place. I'm not sure where I'm at. The devout penitent in me says I'm in purgatory, waiting for God's decision. The intellectual rationalist says I'm in a coma, waiting for modern medicine to kick in and revive me. And the scared little boy says I'm in hiding, waiting for the courage to return to the pain and the healing. The scared little boy is perhaps the most insightful one of all.
When I had my surgery two years ago, we were at a pivotal moment in our careers. We were also growing up fast, and suddenly, the old standbys wouldn't cut it. So, out with the old, in with the new. But when you stop having someone else make your decisions, you have to. It is what we wanted, but we were so unprepared. How do you know what you're doing is right? Even with the guidance. Sometimes I went days without sleep. Without eating. I don't know what kept me awake and moving, probably stress and anxiety. It got so bad, I went to see my doctor the first chance I got.
Sedative-hypnotics, they're called. To help you sleep. Relax your muscles. Calm the anxiety. A wonder drug, if you think about it. The number one killer in our society is stress. It's why we start smoking. Why we eat fattening foods that clog our arteries. Why our blood pressures rise to alarming rates. And in the end, a shortened life span and an eternity of regrets is all we have to show.
***
I opened my eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the light. I sensed another in the room, and I almost closed my eyes again, but this running was getting ridiculous. Besides, maybe if I asked politely, they'd all go away. Hell, even if I yelled at them irrationally, they'd still go away. I opened my eyes fully.
"Hey, Rok, welcome back." I turned my head to see AJ studying me intently, a ghost of a smile on his face.
"Hi," I murmured. I glanced around slowly. "Are you here alone?" He shook his head.
"Not really. I made the others wait outside though. I wanted to be the first to talk to you." I nodded, waiting expectantly. He took a deep a breath.
"I'm really sorry." I looked at him in surprise. I was expecting... I don't know what I was expecting. But not an apology.
"For what?" I asked. I looked at him in confusion. I really had no idea what he was talking about - oh, wait, yes, I did. I had to laugh.
"What's so funny?" he asked, a hint of indignation in his voice.
"Apology accepted," I said, "But you didn't do anything."
"But I got you all worked up," he protested. I shook my head.
"I already was. I had a really rough night last night," I said softly. I sat up a little, for the first time realizing I was in a bed. "Where am I?"
"In the clinic," AJ said. "This place is fully loaded. We're in an annex to the main building, the ranch house."
"Oh."
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. I shook my head.
"I'm not ready. I mean, I want to, but I need to know more myself."
He nodded. "Yeah, I get it." Neither of us said anything for a few seconds, and
I watched as he started to grow a little anxious, his foot lightly
tapping out an unknown rhythm and his hands twisting nervously in his
lap.
"This place creeps you out," I said finally. He looked at me ruefully.
"Kind of. I can't help thinking how ironic this all is. Is that the right word? I mean, it should be me here, not you."
"Life's funny like that, I guess."
"I guess."
"You don't have to stay," I said. He opened his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. "To be honest, AJ, I'd rather you guys left. I mean, I still have to so much to work out and you guys kind of remind me things I don't need to be thinking about now." I looked at him apologetically, hoping I wasn't hurting his feelings.
"Yeah, I understand. Actually, I didn't think it was a good idea to come, but Kevin insisted. I guess he thought familiar faces would make you feel better."
"Normally, they would. But right now, I kind of would like to forget I'm me."
"Yeah. So, um, I'll tell the guys you woke up briefly and fell asleep again." I looked at him gratefully.
"Thanks, AJ, I appreciate it." He smiled and stood up, sticking his hands in his pockets.
"No problem. And in two months when you're all clean and sober and out of here, you owe me dinner."
"Deal."
"Good luck, Rok. You're in our prayers."
"Thanks." I lay back down and half-closed my eyes, watching as he walked out of the door. He hesitated slightly, then closed the door behind him. I could hear faint sounds in the hallway, then the door opened again. I closed my eyes fully. Soft footsteps indicated someone was approaching my bed, but I kept my eyes closed.
"Hey, Frick, AJ says you fell asleep again, so I'm not sure if you can hear me or if AJ's actually telling the truth for once and you really are asleep, but I just have something I need to tell you."
Damn, he was perceptive for a seemingly dim-witted blond. I just kept pretending to sleep though I kind of felt guilty. He sighed and went on.
"Um, anyway, I just want you to know, we all understand and if you need anything, we're all here for you." I felt his hand lightly brush my forehead. "Come back soon." I heard him walk away and the door open and close again. I waited a few more minutes then opened my eyes. But I wasn't alone again.
"I didn't think you were asleep. You seemed to have fooled your friends, though." I looked up into the wide expressive eyes of my angel in disguise.
"They weren't fooled," I said, sitting up again."They just know when to stop pushing."
"Well," Makini responded, slight amusement coloring her voice, "I don't."
"I'm sorry about what I said earlier." Bartender, I'll have a round of apologies, please, heavy on the regret.
"It's really okay, Brian. This is difficult for you, and really you're handling this so well."
"Swearing and seizures are considered 'handling this so well'?" I asked, one eyebrow raised. She nodded seriously.
"You haven't injured anyone yet. And you're not in a coma. This is 'well'." I considered her words.
"Makini," I said. "When do I get a medical explanation? I mean, when my doctor prescribed the pills two years ago, he never said anything about all this."
"The only difference between drug use and drug abuse is the dosage," she answered. "Anything can lead to a chemical dependency if you let it. But actually, Dr. Riesen has decided it's time you underwent a little counseling. One on one with a therapist."
"Um, okay. Why now?"
"You weren't supposed to start for another week. It's delicate actually. You have to be in the right frame of mind. Too early and you haven't reached the stage where you're ready to admit you need help. Too late and you've already come up with all sorts of rationalizations for your behavior. But today's events show you're just about ready."
"I think I need help," I whispered. She nodded.
"Tonight you can meet with Dr. Shyalan." I looked at her in surprise.
She smiled. "He requested it. If you'd rather not, we can find
another doctor."
"No, I just didn't think I'd see him again until after I left here."
"Well, he doesn't work here, but he's very committed to his referrals." I nodded.
"Okay."
"Good. Now, let's get you something to eat?" She got up to go and I stopped her.
"Wait," I said. She looked at me expectantly.
"What's your story?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what brought you here? I know you've told me a little, about leaving Somalia and your daughter, but I want to know everything about you. I want to know how to find this ease of calm you radiate." I reached out to grasp her hand, feeling its softness mold to my own.
She squeezed my hand lightly and nodded.
"Okay. But I warn you, it's not pretty. In fact, some of it still gives me nightmares." I shivered slightly at the haunted look that came into her eyes. She noticed, and smiled lightly.
"Don't worry, it's all in the past now." I settled back in the bed as
she began to talk, her words flowing into each other as she wove her
story.
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