Almost a week later, Nick lay awake, propped up on one elbow, watching Ashley sleep. Moonlight danced across her delicate features, accenting them and making her even more beautiful than she naturally was. She sighed in her sleep and turned on her side, facing him now. Nick watched as the once peaceful look on her face contorted into one of fear and distress. Immediately, he knew that she was having the dream again. Ashley would never tell him what it was or what happened in it. Nick knew that it obviously had to do with her brother, but the rest was a mystery to him. She whimpered softly at the visions dancing in her head. Hating to wake her up, but not wanting the nightmare to continue, Nick touched her face with his hand and spoke, “Brown Eyes. Open your eyes and look at me.”
Ashley moved restlessly against him, but eventually her eyes opened. She looked up at him with an inquisitive stare, but no tears came this time. “Same dream?” Nick brushed a piece of hair away from her forehead. Ashley nodded, turning onto her other side, away from Nick. He was used to this, used to her closing herself up and pulling away from him. It was like that sometimes. Other times all she wanted was to be as close as she could be to him. Tonight, much to Nick’s dismay, it was the latter. A sigh escaping from his lips, Nick fell back against the pillows. He had learned to give Ashley her space. Nick laid there for what seemed like quite awhile and still he could tell that she hadn’t fallen asleep yet. The rise and fall of her back was too rapid for her normally deep, even sleep. He stared at her back, at the creamy shoulder exposed in the tank top that she slept in. Instinctively and without thought, Nick gave into his desires and removed the distance between them in the bed, pressing his lips to the tempting spot of exposed flesh. His hand slipped up the back of her tank top and caressed her soft skin as his lips did the same to her shoulder. Feeling her arch her back in response to his touch, Nick turned her to face him, letting his hand slide along Ashley’s skin to rest on her bare stomach.
Their eyes met and Nick lowered his head down next to hers. Their lips met in a hungry kiss, neither of them seeming able to get enough of the other.
Ashley felt Nick’s lips travel along her body as his hands impatiently pulled away her pajama bottoms, taking her panties with them. His hands and his lips traveled lower on her skin until she felt him touch her. This was farther than they’d ever gone before. Her mind screamed at her to stop him, but her heart told her that it was right. The thoughts running through Ashley’s head scared her and her body tensed suddenly against Nick’s touch. Immediately, he felt the change in her and looked up. Before she could meet his eyes, Ashley jerked away, curling her body into a ball.
Nick knew that he’d gone too far. He’d let his own selfish needs get in the way and had pushed her. Ashley couldn’t commit to anyone right now and he knew that, knew it better than anyone else. Sitting up, Nick pulled the covers over Ashley’s partially exposed body and slipped from the bed. She felt him leave the room, but didn’t turn to stop him. It wasn’t that Ashley didn’t want Nick to do what he had done, but because she loved him she couldn’t let him continue. She would marry Preston in a week, despite her feelings for Nick.
*****
Ashley awoke the next morning to an empty bed. Her body was still wrapped in the sheets that Nick had placed around her. After staring at the ceiling for a few moments and letting the previous hours return to her memory, Ashley pulled herself from the bed. She picked her discarded clothes up off the floor and pulled them back on, along with one of Nick’s long sleeved t-shirts to cover her bare arms. Making her way downstairs, Ashley passed through all of the rooms in the house, not finding Nick in any of them. He hadn’t been upstairs either and there was no note on the kitchen counter telling her that he’d gone somewhere.
Ashley walked towards another door and down into the basement, first glancing for Nick in the rec room and when not finding him there, she made her way down to the weight room that he had put in about six months ago. Ashley heard the grunts coming from his chest before she saw him and slowly pushed open the door to the room. Sweat dripped off of Nick’s body as he pushed himself to the max. Ashley knew that he had heard her come in, but he continued with his repetitions before sitting up to look at her.
After wiping his face and neck off with a towel and taking a long drink of water, he stood and spoke to her, “Good morning.”
“I couldn’t find you when I woke up,” Ashley instinctively reached over and pushed a sweaty blonde lock of hair out of his eyes.
Nick stepped back from her touch, the memories from the middle of the night all too fresh in his mind, “Yeah, well I thought I’d give you your space.” Summing up all of her courage, Ashley spoke, “Nicky, about last night-” At that instant, the doorbell echoed throughout the house, interrupting her words. Pushing past her, Nick walked up the stairs and to the front door with Ashley hanging back behind him. As she slowly made her way up the stairs, Ashley heard Mrs. Vanderbilt’s voice first and then Preston’s. Her stomach did flip-flops at the sound. Staying at the top of the staircase, Ashley eavesdropped on their conversation.
Preston’s voice held it’s natural arrogance as he spoke, “She’s been here long enough, Carter. The wedding’s in a week. She’ll stay at my parents’ house until then.”
“How the hell do you think she’s going to get married in a week? Have you seen her? She doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going,” Nick’s voice rose uncharacteristically.
“She’s my fiancé, goddamn it!”
“Preston!” Mrs. Vanderbilt’s sharply scolded her son, and then continued,
“Ashley is going with us, Nick. Preston is her fiancé and she should be with us now. Not you. You have no place in her life anymore. Where is she?”
“What if she doesn’t want to go with you?” Nick demanded.
“It’s not a matter of if she wants to or not. She will go with us and that is the final answer,” Mrs. Vanderbilt stated, “And if you don’t tell me where she is, I’ll find her myself.”
Before Nick could open his mouth to speak again, Ashley walked into their view, “Just give me enough time to change and pack my things.”
Nick stared at her in shock, “You can’t be serious.”
“She’s obviously doing much better than you think,” Preston spat at Nick and then turned to Ashley, “Take your time, darling. We’ll be waiting out in the limo.”
Ashley began to walk upstairs, hearing the door close behind Preston and his mother. She felt Nick close behind her.
“Why are you doing this?” Nick demanded, stepping in front of her and blocking the bedroom door with his body, “Tell me? Why are you putting yourself through this when you know as well as I do that it’s not what you want?”
Ashley pushed past him into the bedroom and began to gather her things, “You have no right to tell me what I want, Nickolas Carter. This is not about you. It’s about me.”
“Then why aren’t you doing what you want?”
“Because you are not what I want, Nick. You just have to accept that.”
“That’s bull shit. You’re lying to me and you’re lying to yourself,” Nick grabbed her partially packed duffel bag off the bed and held it away from her.
Snatching her bag back from him, Ashley snapped, “You cannot give me what I want, Nick. No one can. Especially you.”
Ignoring the pain on his face, Ashley hastily tossed several more items of clothing into the bag. Pulling off her pajama bottoms she threw them into the bag and zipped it up. She sat down on the bed and pushed her legs into a pair of jeans, buttoning them as she stood up. She picked up her duffel bag and slung it over her shoulder as Nick watched.
“Do not do this,” Nick pleaded, following her out the room.
“I’ve made up my mind Nick,” Ashley told him starting down the stairs.
As she reached the bottom of the stairs, Nick reached out and grabbed her tightly by the arm, “I can’t let you walk out of my life like this.”
Ashley glanced down at the iron grip he had on her and jerked away from him, “Don’t touch me.”
Nick watched stunned as she turned away from him and made her way out the door to step into the waiting limo. Pain tore through Nick’s heart as he watched her go.
*****
It had been almost exactly a week since Ashley had left. Six days to be exact. Six days that Nick had spent holed up in his house, not answering his phone and ignoring the doorbell. Nick didn’t really know what he had done for those six days. He knew that he’d done a lot of thinking, more than he’d probably ever done in his whole life. He’d taken his boat out once and spent a night on the water; letting his thoughts drift as the boat gently rocked against the waves. Nick kept telling himself that if he could just make it past the wedding he would be okay. It would be final then and there would be nothing he could do about it.
The day before the wedding was to take place, Nick sat on the couch with two of the pugs, aimlessly flipping through the channels. Finally he settled on a rerun of the old TV show, Cheers. The cordless phone sitting on the end table began to ring. Nick ignored its insistent cries and after several rings heard the answering machine pick up.
Brian’s voice flowed through the speakers, “Frack, it’s me. Listen, I’m sick of this. I know you’re hurting, but this is getting ridiculous. We’d like to at least know that you’re alive. If you don’t pick up the damn phone I’ll come over to your house and ring your doorbell until you let me in. You’ve got fifteen seconds.”
There was a lapse of noise on the machine and Nick could picture Brian staring at the secondhand on his watch, counting down the time. Finally, Brian spoke again, “I’m coming over, Nick. We’re not going to let you crawl into a whole and die. See you in a few minutes.”
Nick knew without a doubt that Brian would be over. He would probably bring someone with him, too. Brian always seemed to need reinforcement. Letting his thoughts return to the rerun on TV, Nick forgot about Brian until ten minutes later when the doorbell rang. Nick didn’t even turn his head away from the TV. The doorbell rang again and again, going on for at least two minutes. The pugs all started to bark and gathered around the door. Then the pounding began. Finally Nick heard A.J.’s demanding voice, “Open the fucking door, Nick, or I’ll break it down.”
Slowly rising from the couch, Nick first turned off the TV and then strolled over to the front door. Pulling it open, his gaze fell on Brian and A.J. “It was unlocked,” Nick said simply, turning around and walking back into the house, leaving the door open for them to follow.
Brian and A.J. stepped in through the door and surveyed the house as they followed Nick into the kitchen. The whole place was a mess. The dogs had knocked over a potted plant in the foyer and dirt was spilled all over the floor. Empty pizza boxes and take out cartons littered the living room and as they made their way into the kitchen, Brian and A.J. saw dishes piled up in the sink and all over the counters.
“This place is a shit hole, Nick,” A.J. voiced bluntly.
“What do you guys want?”
“We want you to snap out of this, Nick. You’re not doing yourself or anybody else any good. You’re just going to have to accept things and move on,” Brian stated.
Anger was quick to show on Nick’s face, “Move on? You guys want me to move on? Tell me how and I will, because I sure as hell haven’t sat here for six days thinking of ways to get her back. She’s made it clear who her choice is.”
Brian’s expression grew sympathetic, “We know that, Nick, and we can’t tell you anything that will make it easier. You have to start somewhere though.
Like maybe try getting out of the house.”
“I will get out of the house. I’m going somewhere tomorrow.”
“Where’s that?” A.J. inquired.
“The same place that you guys are going,” Nick turned his back to them and walked over to the refrigerator to get out a soda. Brian and A.J. stared at him with their mouths gaping open.
“Say what?” Brian questioned
“I’m going to Ashley’s wedding,” Nick took a long drink from the can of soda.
“You are not serious. Why the hell would you do that to yourself?” A.J. felt like hitting Nick.
“I’ve got to see it with my own eyes, guys. I’ll never accept it if I don’t.”
“It doesn’t make any sense to me, but then again you and I have never seen things eye to eye anyways,” Brian shook his head, “Do you really think you can handle it?”
“It’s happening whether I can handle it or not,” Nick conceded, “She doesn’t want me.”
“It’s like some kind of weird therapy, I guess. You’re a bigger man than me, Chaos,” A.J. admitted.
“If I was any kind of man, I wouldn’t have let her out of my life in the first place,” Nick’s voice became low.
“It’s not going to do you any good to think like that now, Nick. The past is the past. It’s over,” Brian reasoned.
A.J. rolled his eyes, “You give advice like a freakin’ girl, Rok. Nick just needs to have fun. Remember Emily? Remember how much she helped?” A.J. grinned and elbowed Nick in the ribs.
Nick smiled a weak smile.
“That was sex, A.J. It was purely physical. It didn’t do anything about his feelings for Ashley,” Brian pointed out.
“Once again, B. You sound like my mom.”
“Guys, just let me start out by going to the wedding, okay?” Nick waited for them to agree and then asked, “What time is it at anyways?”
“The ceremony starts at 4:30, but we’re all gonna go grab a bite to eat before that because we figure we won’t get to eat until at least 7:00. You know how wedding receptions are,” Brian answered, “It’s gonna be just us guys. The girls are gonna meet us at the church.”
“We’ll just swing by and pick you up,” A.J. offered.
Nick shrugged, “Whatever. I don’t really care. I just want to get this over with.”
Brian nodded in agreement, “Have you thought about talking to her before tomorrow? Maybe it’d help.”
“What would I say? ‘I love you, but I’m letting you go so you can marry a jackass?’ I’d say something I’d regret.”
“I don’t know. It was just a suggestion. I thought it might do you some good.”
A.J. shook his head, “Are you kidding, Brian? Nick would have to be crazy to do that.”
*****
If A.J. was right then Nick was crazy, because later that day, against his better judgment, Nick pulled the Durango up in front of the Vanderbilt’s sprawling estate. He had been able to drive right through the armed gate because of the flurry of activity taking place around the house. Catering trucks and florist’s vans continually were driving in and out of the drive as they set the house up for the reception the following day.
As he stepped from the truck, Nick spoke softly under his breath, “A.J.’s right. I am crazy. I don’t know why I’m doing this.”
Pulling his sunglasses down over his eyes, Nick surveyed the scene around him. He didn’t necessarily want to ring the doorbell for fear of running into Mrs. Vanderbilt. His eyes scanned the front lawn and much to his relief they fell on Ashley standing underneath the tent that the reception would be held in. She looked lost as she witnessed everything that was going on around her. Nick started towards her and she took notice of his presence. Ashley’s expression was unreadable as he approached her.
“Nick,” her voice was so soft he could barely hear it.
“Can we talk?” Nick almost felt shy in front of her.
Nodding, she pointed towards the garden, “Maybe we should go over there.”
Nick agreed and followed her, weaving through the tables that had been set up in the tent.
When they were finally alone and away from all of the activity, Nick pushed his sunglasses to the top of his head to look into her eyes, “I just want to be sure that this is what you want. It’s not too late, you know.”
“Nick, we can’t go over this again. I thought I made it clear to you.”
“I heard everything that you said. This isn’t just about me, though. You’re not ready to go through with this. I know you’re not over Bradley’s death. It’s too soon. Don’t do this until you’re completely ready to do it,” Nick took her hand in his.
“Don’t, Nick,” Ashley pulled her hand away, “I’ll never get over Bradley’s death. Not tomorrow, not a month from tomorrow, or not a year from tomorrow. Don’t bring my brother into this when you know it’s about you and what you want.”
Nick’s face contorted in frustration, “You know damn well that what I want is what you want, too. This doesn’t even make sense. When I touch you, when I kiss you, when I hold you, I know that you feel everything that I do. What if you never feel that again?”
“Don’t you ever tell me how I feel, Nick. You have no idea. I don’t want to be with you because it would become a responsibility. Just to spend time with you it would have to be on your terms. Everything would have to be on your terms. Your job comes first in your life, Nick, and it always will. I don’t want to share the chaos of your life. I don’t want to share anything with you. You don’t live a life that’s meant to be shared with someone else.”
Nick was silent for a moment, the hurt that her words had caused registering on his handsome face. Finally he spoke, his eyes boring holes into her soul, “Just because I can’t love you the way that you want me to, it doesn’t mean that I won’t love you with everything that I have.”
His words hit the very core of her. Ashley’s heart broke in two at the emotion in his simple promise. She couldn’t let him love a person like her. She wasn’t meant to be loved and Nick knew that. He deserved so much better than her. So she would continue to lie to him, “Don’t do this to me, Nick. Not today. Don’t lie to me like this and don’t ever make promises to me because you know that you’ll never keep them,” tears slipped slowly down her cheeks, “I don’t love you, Nick. I never will. I want you to leave and I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“Brown Eyes,” his voice was desperate.
“If you really cared about me, you would have realized it sooner. It’s too
late.”
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