Nick awoke the next morning to someone asleep beside him. Before he opened his eyes he thought that it might have been Bradley, that the little boy had had a nightmare and found his way into Nick’s bed. But he rethought that immediately. Bradley was too old for that. Nick then realized it was Ashley. Her long hair was splayed over his bare chest and she was curled into a tight ball against his side. Nick must have been too tired to hear her creep in during the middle of the night. His arm was wrapped securely around her waist, pressing her to him. He carefully pulled his arm out from under her and let her fall gently back onto the pillows as he rose up on one elbow to look down at her. Nick let himself trace her profile with his index finger. He knew she had been crying. There were pink blotchy stains running down her cheeks where tears had been. He wondered how long she’d been in bed with him. She sighed softly in her sleep and attempted to snuggle up closer to his side. As always, Nick had pushed his covers to the bottom of the bed and he knew that the tank top and pajama pants that she wore were hardly enough to keep her warm. He reached down and pulled the covers up to her chin, a sigh of contentment escaping from her lips.
Nick was in love with Ashley. He was sure of it now. Brian and Leighanne hadn’t been so crazy after all. They’d seen right through him and had been correct. Why had Nick waited until it was too late? Why had he been so blind to the most beautiful and amazing aspect of his life? As he watched her sleeping peacefully nestled against him, Nick felt an overwhelming sense of longing. He couldn’t even describe it. It was something he’d never felt before and he knew that he’d never be able to put it into words, especially not to say to her. Nick knew, right then, although there were several months remaining before her wedding, that he would quietly let her slip through his fingers. That agony and pain would claw at his heart, but he would watch her go and do nothing to stop it and that he would regret it for the rest of his life. At that moment Nick knew that it would be the biggest mistake that he would ever make and he felt powerless to stop it.
The door to his bedroom opened, startling Nick’s thoughts. Bradley entered the room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Nick, my sister’s not in her bed and I can’t find her anywhere,” Bradley’s voice quivered slightly.
Nick, whose back had been to the door and whose body shielded Ashley from her brother’s view turned to face him, “She’s right here, pal. I think she might have had a bad dream or something, so she wound up in here in the middle of the night.”
“Is she okay?”
“Yep. She’s fine,” Nick sat up and swung his long legs over the side of the bed, “Why don’t you go set up the Sega and I’ll be in there in a few seconds to play, okay?”
“You’re sure Ashley’s okay?” Bradley seemed unsure.
Nick nodded, “I promise.”
“Okay. I’ll be downstairs.”
Bradley was out the door before Nick could even blink. He debated a second over whether or not he should wake Ashley, but decided against it. Nick stretched and yawned before preparing to stand up; when he felt the covers of the bed rustle against his back. Nick turned around to find Ashley’s brown eyes staring back at him. He lay back down, placing his head beside hers on the pillow so that they were face-to-face, “Sorry we woke you up.”
She yawned softly and spoke, “It’s all right. I needed to get up anyways.”
“How’d you wind up in here last night?” Nick asked quietly, reaching out and tracing one of the tearstains that trailed down her cheek.
Ashley smiled a sad smile and reached out to straighten his unruly hair, sticking up in ten different directions, “I just felt so guilty that I couldn’t even sleep. I just felt better being near to you. Less guilty, I guess.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about,” Nick let his hand absently trace the rest of her delicate features. Neither of them spoke for a moment, Ashley’s eyes closing to block out everything but his touch. Nick finally, without realizing what he was saying, spoke again, “You don’t even realize how unbelievably beautiful you are.”
Ashley’s eyes opened slowly at his words and she reached out her own hand, gently touching his lips. She responded to him, her words almost as gentle to his ears as her touch was to his skin, “Don’t say things like that, Nicky. It’ll just make things harder than they already are.”
“Shhh,” Nick whispered, his face so close to hers on the pillow that she could feel his warm breathe against her cheek. “Don’t say anything else.” Nick allowed his fingers to trail across her lips, her high cheekbones, and down her slender throat. Moving his body over top of her, Nick balanced himself on one elbow to keep his weight off of her. His mind couldn’t focus on anything except for Ashley, his best friend, who lay beneath him.
Ashley’s heart raced as she placed her hands on his bare shoulders pulling him closer to her. Their eyes locked for a moment before Nick lowered his head pressing his mouth to hers, first softly, but deepening the kiss as her lips parted slowly under his. Nick felt her tongue gently touch his and the urgency of the kiss grew as her arms wound around his neck and her fingers entangled in his hair. Nick pulled his lips away from Ashley’s and began a hot trail along her jawbone and down her neck, stopping to nibble softly on her collarbone. The stubble that had grown on his face overnight tickled the sensitive skin of her neck.
“Nick,” his name slipped quietly through her lips. He heard his name again, though this time louder and in a different pitch. Nick jerked his head up when he realized it was Bradley.
“Nick, are you coming down to play Sega?” Bradley questioned as he reached the bedroom door.
Ashley pushed Nick off of her; right before her younger brother entered the room. She pushed herself up off the bed and spoke to him; “We’re coming down right now, Brad.” Bradley nodded and turned to walk out of the room. Nick lay on the bed, unmoving, except for the rapid rise and fall of his chest as he tried to regain his composure. He watched Ashley move about the room, grabbing one of his discarded sweatshirts and pulling it over her head.
“Brown Eyes,” he called softly.
She ignored him and walked out of the room and down the stairs. By the time Nick used the bathroom and pulled on a white t-shirt, Ashley had cajoled Bradley into eating a bowl of cereal before playing Nick’s new Dreamcast game. She placed the bowl in front of her brother at the kitchen table and walked back over to the counter to make one for herself. She felt Nick walk up, standing closely behind her. He whispered softly in her ear,
“Brown Eyes, we have to talk.”
“Do you want some cereal, Nick?” she ignored Nick’s statement, pushing past him with her bowl of cereal.
“Ashley,” Nick’s voice became stern. Both she and Bradley looked up from their cereal at the surprising tone he had used.
“Not now, Nick. Please not now,” her eyes silently, pleaded with him. Nick sent a scowl at her and walked over to the refrigerator to get the carton of orange juice. Taking the cap off, he drank straight from the container. He had never been more confused in his entire life. Ashley sat at the table, eating her cereal and leafing through some papers that were sitting next to her bowl. She stopped suddenly and held up an elaborately engraved envelope. Quietly, she spoke, “Brian, Kevin, A.J., and Howie have all sent in their R.S.V.P. for the wedding, Nick. Why haven’t you?”
Nick stared at her for a few minutes before responding, “I can’t believe you just asked me that. Didn’t any of what just happened mean anything to you?”
Ashley’s cheeks flushed at the all too fresh memory of the emotions that had coursed through her when they’d been in Nick’s bed. She opened her mouth to respond and all that could come out was a lie, “That was a mistake, Nick. It shouldn’t have happened.”
Nick slammed down the uncapped container on the counter, sending the orange liquid flying all over the kitchen. Bradley’s spoon stopped in midair at Nick’s uncharacteristic outburst.
“Nick!” Ashley stared incredulously at the mess he’d created. Nick didn’t answer her; he didn’t apologize to Bradley, but simply stormed out of the room and through the patio doors that led to his back deck.
“Bradley, I’m sorry. I’ll be right back,” Ashley said hurriedly as she stood from the table. She joined Nick out on the deck that overlooked a picturesque canal.
They stood in awkward silence for a few minutes before Nick spoke, “Nothing? It meant nothing to you?”
“Nick, it’s not that I didn’t want it to mean something, it’s just that it can’t mean anything. I won’t let it,” Ashley said as gently as possible.
“Why?” Nick questioned with hurt in his eyes, “Why won’t you let this happen? Is it because I’m your best friend? Because you think Preston will hurt you if you do? ”
Emotion choked up in her throat and she shook her head, “Because you can’t give me what I need, Nick.”
“Yes I can. I would give you everything. I would use every dime I have in this world just to make you happy,” Nick whispered softly, “But you have to let me.”
Ashley’s heart broke at his innocent words. She smiled sadly and touched his cheek with her hand. He turned his head and kissed her palm softly. “What I want you can’t give me, Nick. It’s not that you wouldn’t want to, but you can’t. Because of who you are, you can’t give it to me.”
“What is it? What do you want? I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you get it,” Nick’s voice became desperate.
Ashley felt tears rise to her eyes, one slipping softly down her cheek. “I want someone who I can grow old with, Nick. I want someone who’s going to be there every night to hold me as I go to sleep and to wake up beside me in the morning. I want someone that I can raise a family with and who would make us his first priority. I want someone who can walk down the street holding my hand and not be afraid to say that I’m the woman he loves,” she turned her eyes downcast, almost ashamed of what she would say next,
“You can’t give me any of that, Nick.” Nick felt a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach at her words.
He fought every emotion inside of him as tears threatened at his own eyes, “I’ll quit right now, if that’s what you want, Ashley. I’ll give it all up, but I can’t give you up. Not now. Not after I’ve realized this.”
Ashley gently placed her finger against his lips, “Shhh, Nicky. You know that’s not the answer. You know it and I know it. Let’s just make things the way they used to be, all right? We can do that. I know we can. We’ll just have to make the most of the time that we have left. You and I being anything more than friends wouldn’t be right.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this,” Nick paused as he heard the phone ringing inside the house. They heard Bradley tentatively call Nick’s name, saying that Kevin was on the phone. Nick opened the patio door and reached inside for the portable phone that he knew would be lying inside.
After a few minutes he hung up and turned back around to face Ashley. “That was Kevin. Everybody’s going dancing tonight.”
“Are you going to go with them?” Ashley asked.
“He wanted to know if you wanted to go, too.”
Ashley thought for a moment before giving him an answer, “Tell him that I would love to go. This is a normal thing for us, Nick. I think we should go.”
“I don’t know if I can do that, Ashley. I don’t know if I want to,” Nick admitted, “It’s not what I want.”
“It’s what has to be, Nick. Things have to get normal again. We’ve let this get out of hand,” Ashley sighed, “I think that things will be better after the first of the year when you go on that two month tour.”
“I can’t talk you out of this, can I?” Ashley shook her head, “It’s not meant to be.”
“I’m not giving you up without a fight,” Nick vowed quietly.
Ashley averted her eyes from his gaze, “Just call Kevin back and tell him that we’ll go. I have to get Bradley back home and you can pick me up at my house tonight at whatever time they want to go. Maybe you should go play a game on Sega with Bradley while I shower and then we’ll leave.”
“Ashley, I don’t just want to ignore this,” Nick stated firmly.
“I’m getting in the shower, Nick,” Ashley said as if she hadn’t even
heard
him, “Maybe you should clean up the orange juice in the kitchen.” She
turned and walked back into the house, leaving Nick alone in the
serenity of
his backyard.
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