* * *

Harry and Cybil are sitting in the Diner eating a tasty meal.
Cybil: "I have to use the bathroom;" she gets up and leaves.
As Harry's sitting there, he hears a rapping as of someone gently tapping, tapping on the diner's window. He turns around. The giant Killer Moth is there. It breaks through the window.
Harry jumps up: "I thought I killed you!"
Moth laughs.
Harry: "Well now I'll take care of you for good." He raises his handgun.
Moth: "You've eaten my children. You must die."
Harry: "What the hell are you talking about, ya damn fly? Nevermind. Just die." Before he pulls the trigger, the moth eats his gun.
Harry: "Damn that!" The moth inflicts some harm on him as he equips his steel pipe, but then harry strikes the moth. Again, and again, until it's beaten to a lifeless pulp.
Harry hears Cybil coming back. "Uh oh, I don't want our date to be ruined." He drags Killer Moth behind the counter and sits back down.
Cybil: "Sorry about that. That food made me sick."
Harry looks down at his plate. "That's not spaghetti. It's.... MAGGOTS. His... children..."
Movement from Killer Moth. He spasms in the throes of death but is not yet dead.
Cybil's eyes are drawn to the bloody pulp sticking out from behind the counter. Cybil: "What's that?"

* * *

40 years after SH3. They are old.
Harry: "What's that noise?"
James: "I don't know, dag nabbit, but it sure is obnoxious." *taps his cane down hard on the floor* "Stop that racket!"
They both stare at the door. The thudding continues from out in the hallway. Harry: "Can't we get some peace in our old person's home?"
The door bursts open, shards of its wood flying everywhere.
Enter Pyramid Head.
James: "It can't be!"
P.H.: "Oh, it can, you mortal man. Damn the man."
James sits there dumbfounded, wondering how and why Pyramid came back after all these years...
Harry leaping up: "This is it!" He falls to the floor. "My... arthritis... pills...."
P.H. is standing there shining his Great Knife.
James snaps out of his stupor: "Harry, get up!" he falls on his way to help Harry up. "My hip! I hurt my hip!"
P.H.: clears throat and grips his knife.
Harry: "Damnit, if I was a few years younger, I'd have his ass."
James is sobbing. "We're going to die!"
Heather barges into the room, using the element of surprise. She unloads her flamethrower on P.H. The heat causes his metal armor to expand. His armor explodes. Underneath is a sad strange little man.
Man: "Have mercy..." he begins to raise up his knife, but heather scorches him with her flamethrower. He dies. Heather stands in triumph, tosses her hair in a womanly fashion, and looks down at the 2 old men cowering on the floor.
Harry: "We had everything perfectly under control."
James: "My hip!"

* * *

Return of the wrinklies: years after the SH games.
James, Harry, and Henry are watching the chess tournament on TV.
They hear loud, shreiking voices out in the apartment hall.
Harry: "Those dang youth, always making so much noise."
James: "Turn up the damn volume! I can't hear the TV."
Henry: "You're just old."
Harry: "Stop whining and turn up the volume, James."
James: "But the remote is on the kitchen counter. Besides, Harry, it's your apartment- you go turn the volume up."
Harry: "Like hell. Henry's the youngest and the most spry; let him turn it up."
Henry: "Why should I? I can hear it just fine," he lies.
They sit staring at the screen for several minutes.
James: "GARRH! I'll turn it up!!" He runs up to the television set and viciously turns the knob so that the volume blasts out, then sits back down.
They fail to hear doom enter the apartment.
Pyramid Head enters after finishing wreaking havoc out in the hallway. He stands behind James, holding the great knife.
James: "I gotta piss."
Henry: "You just went 10 minutes ago."
James: "I know." He gets up and turns toward the bathroom, and is met with the sight of Pyramid Head looming before him.
James: "ah!" He falls backwards and puts his hand on his back. "My spine! My old spine!"
Henry: "What the shit?" Taking advantage of his comparative youth, he makes a run towards the door. His run is slow as he uses his cane to help him along.
Harry: "What are you doing, Henry? Help us fight him!"
Henry: "Sorry, but no. Good luck." He leaves.
Harry: "Coward!"
P.H.: "Ha! Your friend's a jerk!"
Harry turns toward Pyramid Head, who is about to impale James with the great knife. Harry throws his shoe at P.H. Pyramid Head turns to Harry and narrows his eyes behind his helmet.
Harry gets up, hobbles over, and begins sword-fighting P.H. with his cane.
Meanwhile, James crawls over to the fridge. "A few household chemicals in the proper proportion will get rid of Pyramid Head."
A moment later, P.H. sees a small object flying at him, with a fuse. His fight with Harry comes to an end as Harry backs away to avoid the "grenade."
The fuse is long, and they stand there waiting for the explosion. P.H. looks over at James, who contorts his wrinkled face into a sheepish grin. P.H. picks up the grenade and throws it out the window.
As Henry is hobbling down the street, he hears a clank behind him. Turning around, he sees a grenade-looking thing. "What the hell?" It explodes. He perishes. That's what he gets for running out on his friends; poetic justice.
P.H. stands at the window, laughing at the sight. James and Harry slowly hobble over to the window to see. They all laugh.
While they're still laughing, James drops his cane and grabs hold of the great knife. So does Harry. They combine their strength to stab P.H., then push him out the window.
James: "Yes! Yes! Yeeeees!" He loses his balance and falls out the window. "Noooo!" He cries as he falls to his doom.
Harry stands there looking down for a moment. "He had a long life." He sits back down to watch the chess tournament on the blaring TV.

* * *

Harry and Cheryl are driving down the road on their way to Silent Hill. A figure appears out of the darkness. Harry brings the car to an abrupt halt.
Harry: "Hey, you! Get out of the road!"
No answer.
Harry: "I SAID, move!"
The figure stays in the road.
Harry: "That's it. Cheryl, buckle up honey."
Cheryl: "Daddy? What are you going to do?" She buckles up.
Harry puts the car's transmission back into drive. He floors the gas pedal. "RAAAH!"
Cheryl: "No, Daddy!" he ignores her plea, running over the figure and laughing feindishly at the squashing sound.
Harry: "Think they're dead?" He backs up over the sprawled figure, then drives forward over it again.
Harry: "Hahaha. That'll show 'em." He gets out of the car to examine his handiwork. He sees a lovely young, blonde policewoman (Cybil) in tight leather pants lying there in ruins and blood.
Harry: "Damn, I got pieces of flesh in the car's grille."

* * *

Harry hears sudden unexplained noises from upstairs. He runs up into the music room and finds James smashing the piano with a sledgehammer.
"What are you DOING?"
"I can't figure it out!" James cries as he continues his destruction. "What is this 'pelican flew over the crow' crap? It's impossible to solve!"
"You shouldn't destroy musical instruments. Would you like them to destroy you?"
A violin walks into the room and stabs James. He dies.
(I admit that was dumb)

* * *

James is going across the lake in a boat, trying to reach the hotel. He finally sees the other shore as he draws near, and then he realizes. "I left the ores behind. " So he paddles back across the lake with his hands to get the ores. When he gets to the dock, he sees a woman standing there. She looks like his deceased wife.
"Mary!" he exclaims.
"I'm Maria."
"Mary!" He takes out a pillow.
"No, I'm Maria. Who are you?"
"Mary... " (evil expression) He approaches with the pillow and begins to raise it to her face.
"What are you doing, crazy bastard?"
James gently places the pillow against Maria's cheek. "You have to test my company's new pillow. It's soft and with real feathers."

* * *

Henry stands staring at the hole in his wall. "This ding dang hole is too big!"
He fills it with bricks to make it smaller.
"There." He unzips his pants to make use of the hole.

* * *

James: "What was your least favorite part of being in Silent Hill?"
Harry: "Whenever things got dark, I heard this ice cream truck, and I bent over with the pain from a brain freeze even though I hadn't eaten any ice cream yet. That sucked."
James: "Those were sirens you heard giving you a head ache, not an ice cream truck."
Harry: "Doh!"
James: "Let me tell you, my least favorite part was swimming across that damn lake to get to the hotel."
Harry: "You were supposed to use the row boat, idiot. Not swim."
James: Doh!

* * *

James and Henry are ducking down in the row boat, hiding.
James: "I must pee, or perish!" He runs out where the monsters can see him, looking for a toilet.
Pyramid Head: "Fresh meat!"
James: "Please, don't kill me."
P.H.: "No, you've been chosen for a higher purpose."
James: .....?!.......
P.H.: "James, *breathing deep*, I am your father."
James: "NOOOO!"
P.H.:"I'm joking. Geez. You've been chosen for the Rebirth ending."
James: .....?!.........
Several baby Pyramid Heads then proceed to come out of James' ass.
James: ".........I like that."
*back in the boat*
Henry: "Man, I gotta pee too! But I won't run out to the monsters." He pees over the side of the boat.
A monster who sees the arc of pee flying from the boat: "Look!"
Henry hears the monster approaching. Oh no. Then it comes into sight. Henry's expression is one of morbid disdain and horror. The monster's face looks sullen with disappointment.
Monster: "Where's the rum fountain?"

* * *

Pyramid Head has James and Henry handcuffed on a bed.
P.H.: "Just wait until Harry comes to rescue you.."
James:"You monster!" He throws a pillow at P.H. The pillow doesn't make it past the end of the bed.
P.H.: "You weakling. You cannot contend with me."
Harry bursts into the room, dragging the great knife.
P.H.: "My great knife! YOU stole it!"
Harry: "Prepare to die, Pyramid!"
Harry slowly makes his way towards P.H., dragging the great knife. P.H. doesn't take hostile action, but stands and watches the pitiful, slow sight with a grin.
Suddenly, Harry bursts into action, rasing the great knife with fury, running, and impaling P.H. with it. P.H. dies.
Henry: "What the hell, Harry? How'd you do that?"
Harry: "I'm not Harry." He unzips a bodysuit to reveal that he is... Larry.
James: "God, no!"
Larry strangles them both with his tentacles.

* * *

Henry: "At last, we meet again for the first time for the last time."
Missionary: "Before you die, I have something to tell you."
Henry: "Let's hear it, pukeface."
Missionary:" I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate."
Henry: ".....What does that make us?"
Missionary: " Nothing. " He instantly kills the unsuspecting and unarmed Henry.
Harry comes in with a flamethrower.
Missionary: "Harry! My mother's sister's niece's cousin's former army-buddy."
Harry: "Ha, yeah! Like I'm gonna believe that crock of bull!" He kills Missionary.
Later after Harry is dead and at the Pearly Gates, he stands before God. God is reading Harry's list of sins.
God: "...killed your army buddy's cousin's aunt's sister's mother."
Harry: "Are you serious? Oh NO!"
God: "Oh yes."
Harry: "Damn."

* * *

Harry: "How tall are you?"
James: "6 feet. Why?"
Harry: "6 feet? I didn't know they stacked shit that high."
James: "Oh yeah? Well you... you... will have to wait a while till I think of something to say."
Harry: "What is persistent, savage, has an evil sexual intricacy, and is displeasing to the eye?"
James: "Pyramid Head?"
Harry: "No: you. What is soft, brown, and smells?"
James: "Me?"
Harry: "No... the poop that's smeared on your jeans..."
James: "Damn. I did forget to go to the bathroom earlier."

* * *

Harry's walking through the dark sewer. "Oh man... it smells like the biggest poopfest ever in here..." *chokes*
He suddenly hears a sound from the darkness ahead. A metal beast approaches.
Harry: "Who- no, WHAT the HELL are you?
P.H: "....I am Pyramid Head. Prepare to meet thy doom."
Harry suddenly mutates. His skin hardens. He becomes mis-shapen. His head is square, and he is tall, menacing, and drooling...
Pyramid Head stands frozen, looking up in awe at this new metallic creature.
P.H.: "Square Head?.... Sexy!"
Harry: "There's a reason the top of my head is flat, you know." He rams Pyramid Head into the wall with his own head and P.H. is flattened into a sheet of metal. Harry shrinks back down to his normal self.
The next week, Harry and James are eating at a restaurant for Harry's birthday, but they're using flattened Pyramid Head as a table. At the end of the meal...
Harry: "You're paying, right?"
James: "Yes. I'll handle it, Harry. Let me have your wallet."
Harry grows angry. "Never make me pay on my birthday!" He mutates into Square Head, and smashes James. Instead of splattering into a puddle of gore, James is made into a thin sheet of flesh.
Harry is sent to prison for killing James in a public place. In prison, he and the other prisoners are playing cards on a strange table. The top of it is metal, and the single large table leg is flesh-colored.
Prisoner: "Where'd you get this table, anyway?"
Harry: (evil grin) "Want me to show you?"

* * *

Harry and Cheryl are at an ice cream truck. Harry: "What kind of ice cream do you want?"
Cheryl: "Rocky Road, for it represents the rocky and trecherous path that is my life."
Harry: "Rocky Road. Good choice." He tells the ice cream man what Cheryl wants and says, "I only have a $10 bill. You got change for that?"
Ice cream man: "Yeah sure." He hands Harry some bills in exchange and they leave with the ice cream cone.
Harry realizes that one of the bills the ice cream man gave him was not a one dollar bill, but a 100 dollar bill. "Holy mother!" He exclaims, filled with severe childish glee. "What shall I use this money for?"
Cheryl: "Daddy, this isn't Rocky Road."
Harry: "It's not?" He tastes it. "You're right. We've been ripped off." An evil grin spreads across his face. "Let's go get some payback." (Full Metal Jacket quote!)
Cheryl: "What do you mean?"
Harry: "You stay here. I'm going to go spend that money."
Later, when the ice cream man goes into his bathroom to take a dump, he opens the toilet lid to find... marshmellows? He watches as a strange machine that was suddenly near his toilet launches the marshmellows at him. Two marshmellows plug his nostrils and several enter and clog his mouth. He suffocates, chokes, and dies.
Harry watching through the window: "Hahahaha! I did spend a hundred dollars for the parts, but it was worth it. I wonder if I can get my marshmellow killing machine patented."
Through the window he sees Cheryl enter the bathroom. She looks into the toilet. "Rocky Road!" she exclaims, scooping up the brown goop with marshmellows.
Harry: "No, don't! That's not Rocky Road!"

* * *

A bunch of the Silent Hill cast are having a pool party at one of their houses. At the moment, they're all sitting at a picnic table about to partake of lunch, except for Eddie.
Eddie: "CANNONBALL!" He does a cannonball jump into the swimming pool. The water all splashes out in a giant tidal wave, which they watch disappear into the distance. Eddie lands splatteringly on the hard pool floor and becomes a festering puddle of flesh. They all just look at the flesh puddle.
Heather: "Pizza!" She runs over to Eddie's remains with her silverware, followed by everyone else.
Douglas: "Let's eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti." They begin feasting.
Maria: "Yup, pizza."
Henry walks into the yard late holding a cue stick. "What the hell? What's going on here? Where's the pool table? Isn't this a POOL party?"
Harry: "Not as in shooting pool, fool. SWIMMING pool."
Henry: "Oh damn." He leaves in a huff as the others keep eating.
Dahlia rushes into the yard and says about their cannibalism: "You must not eat him! This was foretold my Samael."
Douglas: "Shut your face."
Heather: "Eat her!!" They all gather around Dahlia with their knives and forks, pin her down, and begin feasting.
Harry: "She isn't like pizza. This is more like... some kind of sick-tasting tomato juice..." He and some of the others go back to the Eddie puddle to eat.
Cybil (who you remember, is a cop) is walking through the house to join the pool party. She looks through the window and sees everyone hunched around gory heaps eating.
Cybil: "Good God!" She brings back the rest of the police force with her and they barge into the yard.
Sheriff: "Drop your knives! You're under arrest."
James: (in shock) "What did we do?"
In prison, the Silent Hill cast is watching the news on a small T.V.
News anchor: "The entire west side of the city has been devasted by an unexplained tidal wave of doom."
Silent Hill cast: LAUGHS.
"Good ol' Eddie."

* * *

As Heather's exploring, she carefully opens a door. Inside she sees Pyramid Head using the heat-hammer method to weld two blades together and make a double-bladed Great Knife.
Heather creeps up behind Pyramid Head as he leans over near a furnace. She pushes him in, and he squeals like a 10 year old girl. As he burns in the furnace, Heather hears *snap, crackle, pop*
Heather: Rice crispies?

* * *

James farts.
Maria: "UGH! Depart from me!"
James: "Ok" (walks away)
Maria: "Wait! Where the hell are you going?"
James: "You told me to leave."
Maria: "Don't leave me here, jerk. I'll die."
James: "You have to learn to defend yourself against the monsters. Let me teach you how to use a steel pipe." He raises his steel pipe.
Maria: "I don't have one..." she sees P.H.'s great knife lying nearby and struggles to pick it up. "Guess I'll have to use this."
James: "Ok, this is how you swipe..." he swipes his steel pipe at the air, and then Maria imitates him. She accidentily swipes James' head off.
Maria: "Oops..."

* * *

James is rowing across the lake in the boat when he sees a shark fin approaching.
James: "Oh GOD! A lake shark!" He aims his shotgun at it.
Before he shoots, Laura pops out of the water with a shark fin strapped to her back.
Laura: "Ha! Sucker!" She climbs into the boat. "I brought your wallet. You dropped it."
James: "Why you little piece of... hey, what's that?"
Laura: "A shark! A shark!" She screams at the approaching fin.
James: "Ha, right. Whoever it is, they deserve instant death." He shoots at it and sees some blood spurt up, but the fin keeps coming. He realizes it's a shark, coming straight towards the little boat.
James: "Damn damn damn damn...." he graps Laura and tosses her out to the shark. James: "Take her! Not me! Her!"
Laura squeals: "Heeeeeyyyyy!"
James: "Yeah I haven't forgotten how you tricked me into entering that small, trecherous room and locked me in." He grins as the shark reaches her and is about to eat her. He's about to row the boat away but then he remembers....
James: "MY WALLET! Give me my wallet, ya little fool!"
Laura dies with an evil grin on her face as she looks at James.
James: "My wallet.... " A tear runs down his cheek. Then the shark starts coming towards him. "Shit."

* * *

It may not make sense that these 3 are talking to each other but that's not the point:
Cheryl has been talking for several minutes straight about random things.
Cheryl: "And then..."
Heather: "Stop! Just stop. God! You're always talking."
Alessa: "Why don't we calm down, Heather?"
Heather: "I'll tell you why we don't calm down. Because you're not excited. It takes two people for WE to calm down, doesn't it?"
Cheryl starts talking at length again, speaking of nothing important.
Heather: "That's it!" She slugs Cheryl in the face. "Ow!"-Cheryl's head flies back.
In the same instant, Heather's and Alessa's heads also fling back. "Ow!" they shout.
Cheryl kicks Heather in the shin.
Heather: "AH!" Cheryl and Alessa also feel the kick in their shins and shriek in pain.
Alessa: "You guys! Since we're all the same person, we apparently feel each other's physical pain! When you punch one of us, all 3 of us feel it. Stop acting foolish."
Heather: "Who's a fool?" She turns back to Cheryl and does a high kick, planting her boot in Cheryl's face. As a result, all 3 girls fall down, rubbing their faces. "Argh!"
Cheryl: "Damn you!" With a gleaming eye, she bites her own arm as hard as she can, grimacing at the pain.
Heather: "OWWW!"
Alessa: "Ack! I can't take it anymore! We can't live like this." She walks over to the nearby cliff.
Cheryl: *gasp*
Heather: "Don't you do it!"
Alessa leaps off the cliff. When she lands, she dies on impact, causing Heather and Cheryl to collapse where they stand, in a splattery death.
A UFO lands on top of the hill and a couple of large aliens come out. They see the two bodies of Cheryl and Heather lying there in some blood.
Alien: "My favorite! French fries with ketchup."

* * *

Harry and Cybil are getting married in Silent Hill. (They just are.)
Harry is running late and he is very far from the church, walking through the amusement park. For some reason, he cuts across the carousel.
Something bites his finger.
He looks down. One of the carousel's horses has bitten off the top of his finger.
Harry: "AH!... hey... that ain't a carrot, it's my finger damnit!"
He keeps walking quickly across the carousel because he is late.
Something bites his hair. Pain.
Harry: "STUPID HORSE! That ain't hay!" He feels the top of his head where there is now a bald spot.
His eyes narrow. "I hate you," he seeths, and raises the steel pipe he happens to be equipped with on the way to his wedding.
After he brutally beats one of the horses into a dented piece of metal, he heads for the church again. On the way he steals a hat (from... someone) to cover his new bald spot.
During the wedding, Cybil wonders why Harry is wearing a hat. How rude. Then they are ready to to put the rings on each other's fingers. Harry gives Cybil his hand, then looks down at it in realization. It's dripping with blood from that finger. "Oops..."
Cybil: *gasp* "HOW SICK!"

* * *

When James finds the handgun, he thinks, "Hey. Now that I have this gun, I should follow the advice of that game review that was posted in the SH2 section, and throw away my wooden plank. Who needs a melee weapon?" He discards the wooden plank.
Later out in the street, he is happily taking down beasts with his new gun. Then he hears the dead man's click. "I'm out of ammo!" He reaches for his wooden plank. "It's gone! SHIT!"
He is quickly torn to shreds.

* * *

Eddie decided to go on a fast. He's wandering down the streets of Silent Hill, half-crazed from hunger.
Then, he sees something pointy sticking up over the horizon. As he nears it, he sees it was the pointy end of a giant slice of pizza. He thinks, "Oooh!... no... must resist." 2 seconds later: "Ooooh! I haven't eaten pizza for a whole hour. I deserve it."
He walks up to the pizza and chomps down on it.
Realizing he's been bitten, Pyramid Head turns his head to look down at the imbicile.
Eddie feels sharp pain as he realizes his teeth have bitten metal. Not pizza.
Pyramid Head: "You fool." He flings Eddie so that Eddie's jaws release the hold on Pyramid Head's helmet.
Pyramid Head.: "Time to die."
Eddie (cowering in the fetal position): "Can I have pizza first?"

* * *

James is walking along when he hears a small voice.
voice: "eeeeeee!"
James: "Ah! wha...?"
Voice: "Heeeeeelp meeeeee!"
James: "Oh dear God! I'm coming!" He runs towards the voice... into the meatlocker freezer...
Voice: "Heeeeelp meeeee!"
James rips off his shirt in heroism as he runs into the freezer area. "I'm here! I'm here!"
He then sees Laura.
Laura: "Felllllll deeeeeep!"
James runs up to her. "What? I thought you were calling for help."
Laura: "Felllll deeeeep..."
James: "Fell deep? Who fell? You? Into shit?"
Laura: "You. Fell deep. To your doom."
She pushes him down the drain that's in the floor to drain the meat's blood.
James falling down into hell: "aaaaahhhhhh"

Next week, Laura hears a deep voice.
Voice: "Heeeeeelp meeeeeee!"
Laura: "Shut up, bastard voice."
Voice: "Heeeeeelp me!"
Laura follows the sound of the voice in annoyance. She reaches a hole in the ground where the voice is coming from.
James sticks his head out. "Deeeeeep freeeeeze... is what I said... fool..." He pulls out the gun he got while in hell and uses it to freeze Laura into an ice cube. Then he shatters her.
James: "Ah, revenge... "
Satan: "James! You get back here!"

* * *

(This one makes reference to a couple of movies, so if you haven't seen them... oh well.)
Harry's in the elementary school, in the room with the phones. He is walking towards the door.
The phone rings.
Harry twitches in surprised fright, and turns so that his flashlight shines on the phone. He... picks it up.
Harry: "Hello?"
Deep voice: "Good evening, Clarice."
Harry: "CLARICE?"
Deep voice: "I have a surprise for you."
A lamb walks into the room. It's making an obnoxious baying sound.
Deep voice: "If you can silence the lamb, Clarice, I'll get you out of Silent Hill."
Harry: "I'll silence the lamb because it's pissing me off, not because some idiot on the phone told me to." He hangs up and turns toward the lamb with his steel pipe raised. "Shut up, you!" he tells it.
The lamb bares its fangs.
Harry: "GAAAHH!" He charges towards the lamb. The lamb charges towards him. Harry swings the pipe at the lamb and hits its head once. "Die, you, die!"
The lamb is hardly affected by the blow. It digs its fangs into Harry's neck. Harry collapses.
Later, Hannibal is sitting on top of the lighthouse. He picks up the phone and dials a number. No answer.
Hannibal: "What happened to Harry? He should answer. The lamb actually killed him?" He laughs.
A bat flies up.
Bat: "I silenced the lamb! I silenced the lamb!"
Hannibal: "Wha......?"
Bat: "The lamb bit me, and turned me into a vampire bat. I plugged the lamb's throat with my guano so it can't make noise anymore. So, now you get me out of Silent Hill, remember?"
Hannibal: "Oh, right..." He takes out a signal device.
Soon a UFO flies up to the lighthouse. Out come tall figures in black.
Hannibal: "Take him, fellas!"
The tall figures catch Harry the bat in a net.
Tall figure: "Ne!"
Harry: "No!"
Tall figures together: "Ne! NE!"
Harry: "No! Not the knights... get away. Let me stay in Alternate World- I'll stay in Silent Hill! Nooooo!" He is taken onto the spaceship.
Hannibal: "Hahahaha..." Then he dials the telephone.
James: "Hello?"
Hannibal: "I'll eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chian-" his sentence is cut off as the big light of the lighthouse is turned on and shines on him.
Woman's voice: "Hannibal! What are you doing? Come eat your dinner!"
Hannibal "Oh..." he hangs up and runs down the stairs to eat. "I hope it's brain served with a side of bladder."
Meanwhile: James is hanging up the phone. He says, "A man was on there. He said he was going to eat my liver."
Maria: "Mmmm."
James: ?!
Maria: "Sounds good. I intend to do the job myself." She pulls out a knife and fork.

* * *

James is sitting in his car at an intersection blasting rock music from the stereo as he waits for the light to turn green. Henry pulls up next to him, blasting rap music.
Their two eyes meet. James turns up his rock music louder.
Henry turns up his rap.
It becomes a vicious cycle as they turn up their music louder and louder to outblast each other.
In fact, their music is so loud that they don't hear the siren of the ambulance that came speeding down the street behind them. All the other cars pulled to the side of the street like they're supposed to, while James and Henry continue their blast-fest.
Ambulance driver, pointing to the 2 cars blocking their way: "Look at the fools!"
Nurse in the passenger seat: "Don't worry, they'll move."
The ambulance continues to speed. Ambulance driver: "Move, damn you, move...."
Henry and James, while engrossed in their childish music rivalry, still fail to notice the approaching doom. The ambulance crashes into them, and James and Henry both perish.
Both of their gravestones read: "Cause of death: stupidity."
Henry and James ride the escalator up to heaven. There's an automatic-sliding door at the top. As they walk towards it, the door closes. They back away- it opens.
They walk towards the door again, and it closes. They back away, and it opens. After this repeats several times, they both stand back.
James: "Ooookay...."
Henry makes a mad dash for the open door, but it slides shut again. He runs smack into the door and is knocked unconscious. James manages to roll Henry through the door, and then makes a mad dash towards the door himself. He barely makes it through the doorway before it closes right behind him, tearing off the rear of his pants.
Henry and James enter Heaven, James bare-assed and Henry with a smashed face.
They get kicked out. God's book said their reasons for banishment- Henry: stupidity. James: nudity.
So now they go into Hell. Satan sees them and says, "Welcome, my children."
As they are riding down the escalator into the depths of hell, Henry farts. It causes a small flame.
James: "I can beat that." He farts ten times worse, and Hell's delicate atmosphere of heat is ignited and erupts into a ball of flame.
Satan: "Out, you! Out!"
Cause of banishment: stupidity.
Silent Hill team: "We'll take them! We'll use them as video game characters. They'll be perfect."
And that's how these two characters came to be in the series known as Silent Hill.

* * *

Henry: "...and that's how it's been for the past month."
Psychiatrist: "Hmm. It sounds like your mind has made these things up."
Henry: "No. They're real."
Psychiatrist: "Mmm hmm. I'm going to prescribe you some pills."
Henry takes the pills home with him and takes them. He is lying on his bed waiting for the hauntings to go away when he has a sudden, dramatic bowel movement.
Henry: "God!" He races into the bathroom and is stricken with diarrhea. "What's in those pills he gave me?"
After he has been in the bathroom for several minutes, his doorbell rings. He answers the door to find a man there.
Man: "Hello, I'm a reporter from Better Homes magazine. Your apartment has been recommended to us for a photo shoot."
Henry peering back at the ghosts coming through his walls: "Well, you know, right now really isn't a good time."
Reporter: "I insist. It will only take a moment, damnit!"
Henry: "Wait here." He shuts the door in the reporter's face and goes to set up some Holy Candles. The hauntings disappear temporarily. He goes back to the door.
Henry: "Come on in."
Reporter: "Thank you. My photographers will be up here in a minute." The reporter walks in.
Reporter: "Candles! My, how lovely. May I see the bathroom? We are especially interested in photographing that room."
Henry: "Well..."
The reporter walks into the bathroom. He notices the disgusting smell of fresh poop, but is distracted: "Wow! What is that... hole in the wall? And the engravings around it?"
Henry: "It's..." He panics and shoves the reporter so that the reporter's head hits the toilet and he is rendered unconscious. His head flops down into the toilet.
Henry's doorbell rings again. On the way to the door, he notices that some ghosts are reappearing in his apartment. He opens the door to see the photographers.
Photographers: "Hi. We'll be photographing your apartment now." They push their way past him. Henry: "Wait, bastards, wait!!"
Photographer 1 (noticing the hauntings): "Wow! Look at the 3D decorations he has!"
Photographer 2: "It's like they're alive. Kinda scary." They take photographs as they talk.
Photographer 1: "Yeah. No wonder this apartment was recommended to us!"
They finish photographing in the living room and head down the hallway.
Henry: "What are you doing now?"
Photographer 1: "We need to photograph your bathroom."
Henry: "Waaaaiiiiit"
The photographers enter the bathroom to see their reporter friend just sitting up with brown stuff all over his face.
Photographer 2: "What... the... hell?"
Photographer 1: "Are you okay?"
Reporter: "Do I look okay? I have shit on my face."
Henry had already been backing away, frightened of what might happen when the reporter told his friends he'd been shoved. Then his phone rings.
Henry: "Hello?"
Voice: "Are you enjoying your photo shoot?"
Henry: "Who is this?"
Voice: "I'm the one who recommended your apartment."
Henry: "so.... you would be.... who?"
Voice: "My name's Walter. And it's time for you to leave."
A new haunting appears beneath Henry and launches him through the window, sailing out of his apartment and through the air.
Child on street: "It's a bird!"
Man on street: "No, fool. It's a plane."
Woman: "It's superman!"

* * *

Heather is walking through the Borley Mansion. As she enters a certain room, she sees pointy things up on the ceiling.
Heather: "Icicles!" She walks into the room, hoping to knock down an icicle. She likes ice.
The pointy things rush down at her. It's too late when she realizes they are metal spikes.
Vincent uses the secret controls to raise up the spikes again. He licks his lips and takes out a plate as he looks at Heather's limp body impaled by a long spike.
Vincent: "My favorite. Shish-kebobs."

* * *

Laura: "Do you see it?"
Heather: "No."
Laura: "Lean over real close and just peer. It's right there."
Heather (peering between the tracks): "I don't see anyth-" Laura shoves her down onto the tracks. A subway train is approaching. Laura cackles.
Heather: "You little ass wipe! I should've known!" She leaps up from the railroad tracks- like Neo- and lands in front of Laura. She shoves Laura down onto the tracks and watches as the train passes over her. When the train has passed, there is a puddle of flesh on the tracks. All that is left of the little blonde menace known as Laura.
Heather: "My work here is done."
That night...
Harry: "Heather!"
Heather: "Yes, dear father?"
Harry: "There's a lady on the phone. She says you reduced her daughter to a puddle of gore."
Heather: "I... uh... BAH!" She leaps out the apartment window.

* * *

Pyramid Head: "Does he bite?"
Maria: "No. He's a good one." She pats James on the head.
P.H.: "Okay." He hands Maria the money, and Maria hands P.H. the leash in return.
P.H.: "He'll make a nice addition to my collection."
Maria: "Bye, James."
As P.H. leads James away, James looks back over his shoulder at Maria.
Later...
P.H.: "If I take off that leash, James, will you promise to be a good boy?" James nods.
P.H.: "Good." He grins evilly and reaches for James' collar.
James: "Iiiiiit's bacon!" He digs his teeth into P.H.'s hand.
P.H. leaps back. "You bit me. He bit me! That's it. I want no man who bites. My children will have you." He leads James into the fog and ties him to a tree, then watches as mannequins and bubble-head nurses gather around James.
P.H.: "Be careful, children! He bites!"
The beasts continue to close in on James as he yanks at the leash that binds him.
James suddenly wakes up from his dream with a yell.
Maria: "Did you have a nightmare?"
James: "Thank God, it was just a dream." He turns and sees Maria walking toward him with a leash.
James: "Nooo!" He runs off into the fog.
Maria looks down at the leash she had just picked up in case they needed rope.
Maria: "Oooookaaaay..."

* * *

Telephone conversation in the mall.
Heather: "ll see you when I get home."
Harry: "Okay. I hate you, honey."
Heather: "What?!"
Harry: "I love you."
Heather: "You said I hate you."
Harry: "I... no, I didn't."
Heather: "Yeah you did, Dad!"
Harry: "Oh, hell!" A hand comes out of the mouthpiece of Heather's phone and strangles her.
Voice on the phone: "I'm not Harry."

* * *

Henry wakes up to see Walter leaning over him. Walter steps back, holding a bloody tool, and says, "My work is finished."
Henry sits up on the hospital bed. "What the hell?" He looks down at his hands. There are spikes sewn on the sides of his hands. "WHAT THE HELL?"
Walter laughs deeply. Henry stands up in anger. His weapons have been taken, so he just starts spinning in circles with his arms held straight out, and moves towards Walter.
Walter stops laughing. "Uh oh..."
As Henry spins, his spiked hands impact Walter's head multiple times. Walter falls down, beaten.
Henry continues spinning with his arms straight out as he walks through the door and sees Eileen in the hallway. He has built up so much force as he spins that he cannot stop.
Henry: "Eileen, run! I can't stop!"
Eileen: "...Henry? Are you... okay? What are you doing?"
Henry: "Move!!"
She doesn't move out of the way. Henry can't believe it: "What the hell?" He spins over to her, and his spiked hands deliver fatal blows to her head.
He keeps spinning....
Henry exits the building as he is still spinning with his arms sticking straight out to the sides.
A double-headed beast sees him and thinks, "Great. I'll never be able to fight the bastard like that." The beast imitates him and starts spinning. They are spinning towards each other.
Henry notices the beast is also spinning- in his direction.
Henry: "What the hell?"
Jasper looks down from the stairs he's on top of and sees Henry and a two-headed beast doing what appears to be a synchronized dance.
Jasper: "What in the world?" He sits down with his chocolate milk to watch the dance.
Henry and the beast spin closer and closer to each other... until they collide. And they fuse.
Later, Walter has risen from the beating Henry gave him. As Walter is walking down a path, he sees something emerge from the fog in front of him. It's a spinning beast that's part monster and part Henry, with Henry's head as one of its heads.
Walter: "What in the name of room 302 is that...?"
He runs.

* * *

Harry is exploring the dark, dismal elementary school. He opens another classroom door, expecting to find monsters and bloody monstrosities inside. Instead, he sees children sitting at their desks being taught by a teacher.
The teacher looks at Harry and asks, "Who are you?"
Harry's eyes widen.
Teacher: "Well?"
The children all stare at Harry with strangely happy smiles. Then he spots Cheryl sitting there at a desk. Harry: "CHERYL! There you are!"
Cheryl blushes. "Daddy, what are you doing...?"
Teacher: "Yes, what are you doing, sir?"
Harry stammers, "I.... uh... I.... I...."
Teacher: "Our class does not have the time to be interrupted by speech-deprived fools. Would you please leave?"
The teacher goes back to teaching. "Now, children, you have an assignment. Write a paragraph about love."
Harry, confused, backs out of the classroom and shuts the door. He is now in the dark hallway again.
Back in the classroom-
Teacher: "Now, children, the time has come!"
The children smile evilly.
Teacher: "Resume the assailment! Resume!"
The children gather into a mob and run out into the hallway. Harry turns around to see a flock of children running at him.
Harry takes a few steps back. "Whoa there..."
The children lift him up on top of the crowd and carry him outside.
Harry: "Hey, kids! What are you doing? Cheryl!"
They strap him into a wheelchair and give him a push down a hill.
As Harry speeds down the hill, he sees what awaits him at the bottom. It's a giant vat of barbeque sauce. Inside it is a huge slice of fatty spam, created by a careless forum poster. The spam opens its fanged mouth as Harry draws near.
Harry: "NOOOOO!"

* * *

Heather walks into her apartment.
"Dad, I'm home."
No answer. She looks in all the rooms and calls out, "Dad?"
Claudia: "Your father's not here, darling." Heather turns around quickly to see Claudia standing there.
Heather: "What are you doing here?"
Claudia: "I have come to take back that which was taken from me."
Heather: "And what's that?"
Claudia: "My laxative." She looks over to a bottle sitting on the table. "I think Harry mistook it for a Health Drink when he stole it."
Heather: ".........So where is he?"
Claudia: "I ate him."
Heather: "No, really, where is he?"
Claudia: "I ate him."
Heather: "You..... you WHAT?"
Claudia: "Indeed. And now, before I leave, I have to use your bathroom." She goes into the bathroom. Heather flops down onto the couch in disbelief.
Heather: "She's lying. She didn't eat Dad."
Claudia walks out of the bathroom as the toilet flushes. She takes her bottle of laxative with her as she leaves, saying, "Goodbye."
Heather decides to just sit there and wait for Harry to come home. After Claudia leaves, Heather gets up to use the bathroom. When she opens the toilet lid, she sees something is still in there.
Poop: "Help me."
Heather leaps backward and falls into the bathtub. "What...?"
Poop: "Heather! Heeeelp meee!"
Heather realizes the voice is familiar. It's her dad's voice.

* * *

On the phone in the mall, Heather says to her father, "Oh, I didn't get that thing you asked me to."
Harry: "The paper clip? YOU FORGOT THE PAPER CLIP?"
Heather: "I'm sorry."
Harry hangs up the phone.
As Heather is riding the subway home, little does she suspect what is taking place in the apartment.
As Harry is sitting in his chair watching TV, a beast walks in.
Beast: "I'm ready for my paper clip."
Harry: "I don't have it."
Beast: "Well where is it?"
Harry: "I didn't get the paper clip at all. Sorry."
Beast (yelling): "What the hell did you do that for, you bastard piece of shit? I needed that paperclip for my essay before I give it to Satan! Goddamn you motherfucking shit piece of fuck. GAAAAH! To hell with you and all that you stand for, you shitting fucker of shitiness bastard!"
Harry: "Sorry. Why don't you buy your own paperclip?"
Beast: "Stores don't sell things to beasts." He glares at Harry watching the television. Then the beast decides to bring about Harry's final doom as Harry is sitting in the chair.
A few minutes later, Heather walks into the apartment.
Heather: "Dad, I got the paperclip! You were so upset, I got it on my way home." She looks at the back of the head of her unanswering father as he sits in the chair. She walks around to the front and sees that he is dead and bloody.
Heather: "What is this?" She falls to her knees. "Noooo!"
The beast steps out from around a corner. Heather leaps up and says, "You did this to him?"
Beast: "Yes. He didn't bring my paperclip to me."
Heather holds up the paperclip, sobbing. "I have the paperclip, you damn jerk!"
Beast: "I'll take that." He moves towards Heather.
Heather: "Like hell you will!" She quickly bends the paperclip into a straight piece of metal and stabs the beast's eyes. While it's blinded, she throws the paperclip out he window and then she runs into the other room to get her dad's chainsaw. She comes out with the chainsaw roaring.
Heather: "RAAAH!" She slices into the beast and kills it.
Turning, she kneels down next to her dad. "I'm sorry I didn't get the paperclip soon enough."
Harry: "That's alright, honey."
Heather: "You're ALIVE?!?!"
Harry (gagging and coughing, gurgling blood): "Yes..."
Heather: "Ah!" She rushes him to the hospital, but on the way, the car's tire is punctured by a paper clip on the street. Harry doesn't make it to the hospital on time.

* * *

I don't know why the font turned bold part way down the page. Who knows?

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